The new royal baby, Princess Charlotte Elizabeth Diana of Cambridge, has announced that she will take up a place at Wadham in the near future.
In a break with royal tradition, the Princess, who is fourth in line to the throne, declared her intention to apply to the leftist college, telling Cherwell, “In my six days spent as a member of the British royal family, my eyes have been opened to the evils of consumer capitalist false consciousness that have been fed for centuries to the proletariat by the exploitative bourgeois intelligentsia. Conversing with my private staff , I realise now that embedded power structures within Western society have oppressed anyone who is not a cisgender heterosexual white male, including this staff; all 37 of them.
“I intend to use all means within my power to smash capitalism, the greatest bastion of inequality and prejudice that humanity has and ever will face, just as soon as I have learned to walk. I’m told I will fit right in at Wadham.”
Officially, the Princess will complete an MPhil in Women’s Studies, but sources within the royal household indicate she is still tempted by Oxford’s MSt in Economic and Social History, which will allow her more time to protest outside the Union, or travel to Cuba and obtain a degree from the University of Havana. The Queen is reportedly unconcerned about her left-leaning great-grandaughter, with Buckingham Palace insiders suggesting her reaction amounted to a simple expression of “Fuck it”.
In the past, the royal family has been no stranger to educational controversy. Prince Harry was embroiled in scandal in 2005 when it emerged that his art teacher had completed his A-level art pieces, whilst the fact that Prince Charles was accepted by Trinity, Cambridge at all raised eyebrows and questions of the College’s integrity.
Wadham student Niamh McIntyre commented, “I think it’s really great to see students from all backgrounds expressing an interest in issues surrounding both the rights of women and indeed other oppressed minorities. Princess Charlotte is no exception, and I for one will readily welcome her into Wadham SU.
“I can’t wait to read her first post on Cuntry Living.”
When asked for her thoughts on recent revelations about Vice-Chancellor Andrew Hamilton’s £424,000 salary, the Princess was typically diplomatic in her response, telling Cherwell, “To punish the oppressors of humanity is clemency; to forgive them is cruelty. Pity is treason.
“Viva la revolución.”