The Oxford Union has come under severe criticism for the queuing crisis that erupted this week after their EU debate. However, The OxStew can confirm that the scandal begins far before the EU debate. Following a Freedom of Information Request that someone else submitted, The OxStew can exclusively reveal that the Union have been using CONTROVERSIAL and ILLEGAL scientific methods in order to maintain a strong Union interest. They have been emitting amnesiacparticles from the Union’s turrets. These work to make you a) forget how long you have been queuing for b) forget how much money you spent in order to stand in the fucking queue and c) forget that you have an essay to write, and a life to live.
However, this week, the queue surpassed the 100-mile radius which the particles have been trained to reach. Thus queuers soon opened their weary eyes, realised the cruel injustice of their situation, and said something about it.
The Union President, Mr Snakey, commented, “We had a very large discussion about ways of handling queues. We considered ballots, applications, creating an intimate Facebook for all our baes. The amnesiac-particles were our last resort. I admit, we cheated you, and we are sorry. But hey! We’ve done worse. Hehe”
It has been confirmed that the dubious decision to invite Germaine Greer to debate at the Union is part of a ground breaking new technique to reduce queue size.
Snakey commented, “I had a real moment of clarity. I thought to myself, what do students love? What do students hate? And then it hit me right in the middle of my slimey face. Equality, morality, integrity. These three elements are integral to being a student. Take one away? They’ll crumble. It’s like the fire triangle. Take one element away, and puff. Puff goes the queue.
“Simple. Give them Germy G, students will boycott it in five minutes. No queue issues, no nothing. Then we can all get back to doing the things we imagined we were going to be doing when we first got involved with the Union. If you know what I mean. Is there a way of telling your readers that I just winked then? If you could write the emoticon wink face or something that would be great.”
Germaine Greer declined to comment on the situation. However, one student did exclusively speak with The OxStew. They had no comment about Greer, but described the EU debate queue experience as “disgusting”, and “quite squidgy. Especially when you got pushed into someone in front of you who was wearing a rucksack.”
