It’s 2016! The holidays are over. Because you may be squinting from the harsh light of your computer screen, and trying to diminish your greenish complexion with gallons of water and aspirin, we thought we’d give you something to alleviate the post New Year’s Eve hangover. We’ll take the place of a cheese, bacon and chocolate sandwich and give you: the top-ten cringe worthy things that happen during the holidays. As demonstrated by Desperate Housewives, there’s no better way to get over petty traumas than to resurface and dwell on them.Â
1)Â Â Â Â Â You get a really weird gift
Maybe it’s a photo of your middle-aged uncle holding a flowerpot. More realistically, maybe it’s high wasted Fruit Of The Loom underwear from your grandma or a massive crucifix from your overly religious second cousin. No matter the weirdness, you have to smile like you’ve just received 500 quid.
2)Â Â Â Â Â You accidentally shatter a glass at dinner
This is always the most interesting moment of the night. People are chatting, eating, laughing and you’re a bit wine-drunk. You get overly excited telling the person across from you a story about something they’re polite enough to listen to, and wham. It happens. Like a character in a Martin Scorsese film, your emotive story necessitated dramatic hand gestures—and your wine glass was in the crossfire. It tumbles onto the floor. It shatters. The pieces go everywhere like the window in the intro to a James Bond movie and your dignity shatters with it. The cool and sophisticated faÃ§ade is broken. Everyone stops, the music stops, everyone stares. You get really embarrassed and start trying to clean it with your table napkin but that really doesn’t make a difference. No one walks in that area for the rest of the night
3)Â Â Â Â Â Someone asks you what you’re planning on doing with your degree
Please don’t mention the elephant in the room. You can flip this one around and have fun with it: a Tai Chi master.Â
4)Â Â Â Â Â You forget the name of one of your distant relatives whilst talking to them
Â It’s not really your fault considering you only see them once a year. You greet them with a simple “Hello!” It only gets tricky when someone she doesn’t know approaches you, say your cousin’s boyfriend who only you have met, and you’re forced to say: “Hey this is my family member…”
5)Â Â Â Â Â Your pants pop
You were perhaps a bit too generous on the pudding. It happened to me last Christmas. I was wearing a pair of high waisted polka dot pants that make me look like a kindergarten teacher from the 80s, and suddenly the button gave out. I was in the middle of a conversation with a distant relative, and I spent the next ten minutes trying to slyly hold my pants together so I wouldn’t flash my similarly polka dotted, high waisted Fruit Of The Loom underwear (thanks to grams).
Â 6)Â Â Â Â Â You realize your 14 year old cousins are 10x cooler than you are
Â It’s like high school again. Your fourteen year old cousins are having a blast sneaking bottles of wine in the back bedroom. Why on earth would they want to hang out with the19 year old standing alone staring at the Christmas tree? They’re all sporting Stan Smiths and Nike jackets.
Â 7)Â Â Â Â Â You make a slip about Santa not existing in front of small children.Â
Whoops. Everyone hates you.Â
8)Â Â Â Â Â You’re caught in domestic crossfireÂ
The war has started, and you’re the arbitrator, but that doesn’t mean you’re not drowned in waves of passive aggression while helping do the dishes. Maybe it’s your aunt and uncle. Uncle burned the roast. Aunt asks you: “the roast was burnt right?”Â You respond: “I didn’t actually have any.” That came out wrong, you’re a vegetarian. She looks at her husband: “See?”
9)Â Â Â Â Â Someone gets drunk and starts singing karaoke
‘Roxanne’ and ‘You Shook Me All Night Long’ are classics. The whole room stands awkwardly while your middle-aged aunt chants the lyrics to The Police. She really tries to get everyone to join in but no one does. She finishes and drops the microphone and it makes a really loud sound.
10)Â Â You get super sad on the 26th when you can’t have another chocolate from your advent calendar.
You feel you need to re-evaluate your priorities.Â