Knighthoods to be renamed “Dave’s gold stars”, for services to the conservative empire.

Blog to be renamed ‘homage to Dave’ in attempt at CBE.

Do not be surprised if these headlines appear some time soon. This new year offers the perfect opportunity for us all to up our game and start garnering knighthoods. And luckily, the most recent New Year’s honours list has proved that all you really have to do is get into David Cameron’s good books. I am personally vouching on developing a translator app that allows the PM to say what he is actually thinking; something which he seems to struggle with intensely. His actions always seem to differ from his rhetoric, but then perhaps if we want to know the motives behind his actions we should ask George Osborne.


Another thing many of us have on our minds is getting back into shape after Christmas. For me, this means trying my very best to improve my mental health by ridding myself of all knowledge of the various anti-science ‘detox’ programmes people will be paying for this month. May people one day be blessed with the understanding that they do nothing. With all the money we could save not buying our ‘detox seaweed tablets’ we could pool together and donate enough money to the Conservative party’s ‘buy-a-knighthood’ scheme. If that is not the essence of the ‘big society’, I don’t know what is.


My final big plan this year is to get a written armistice with my Scout: I will stop reporting her if she stops stealing my roasting tins. I am not sure how well this one will go down, but I am hoping the Christmas period has given her time to forget about how much she hates me. I also hope that she is using the new dartboard I gave her, instead of the old one she had, on which she had glued a picture of my face. The world is a complex place and all the spare time I have had this holiday to read the news has only made me more confused about everything. I am hoping that this blog can remind us all (referring to my dog and I, the only people who actually read the Cherwell) not to get too bogged down in life.