You are perfectly normal. So you don’t want to do it, per say. But like Freud’s ancient memory, or more disturbingly, his Oedipus complex, there are ghastly, funny little things buried in our cerebrums that only surface in our most static moments. I recall sitting in a lecture about the nuances of Victorian punctuation when I imagined what would happen if I stood up and started belting out the Friends theme song. I would never do that. But just imagine if I did. How would people respond? How would the lecturer respond? Perhaps I would avoid the long-term repercussions, but the immediate awkwardness of the moment is just too funny to not consider.  Society is like a massive blob of amorphous silly putty. There are ways to move about. It is difficult to understand why things are the way they are, but they just are. It is difficult to ascend out of its clammy, sticky grasps without seeming like a total idiot. But I think sometimes we should step away from this self-proclaimed serious world and imagine what would happen if we ascended into an entirely socially liberated (or perhaps socially ostracized) one. So here are: five totally socially unacceptable things you secretly think about doing in public.

1) Instigate an anarchical riot in a café about over-priced sandwiches

It is absolutely ridiculous that two pieces of bread and a meek slab of cheese, vegetables, or turkey should cost anything more than 3 pounds. I was particularly appalled yesterday when I visited my favourite Lebanese deli, only to learn that they had increased their prices from five pounds to seven pounds fifty.

Imagine if you propelled yourself onto the table and threw your sandwich on the wall. Maybe you do it in pieces, flinging one piece of bread to the right, another to the left, and violently grabbing your lettuce and tearing it into millions of pieces. It would be ideal if every customer came together as a united body of exploited consumers and launched their sandwiches around the wall as well. A war-cry would be invaluable: “We’re not Bill Gates, we won’t pay your rates.”

2) Begin an interpretive dance and spontaneous song

I thought about this in the middle of matriculation. After being reprimanded by an old woman because my ankles were slightly exposed, I wondered how that lady would react if I stood up while everyone was silent and started kicking my legs up in the air and singing “I’m Gonna Be” by the Proclaimers. Definitely would have spiced up matriculation thought I doubt I would have been matriculated.

 3) Walk around naked

This is a pretty classic one. Imagine the Rad-Cam at 4 pm on a Wednesday. Imagine walking in, very casually, as if you were fully dressed, but you didn’t have a lick on. You swipe your card, perhaps go into the center most area to look up a book on Solo, and then head to one of the latters to get your book. Then you sit down next to a well-dressed postgraduate and start reading.

4) Wink at every person you see

That means everyone.  

5) Ride around on a beer bike

A five-person tandem bike with attachable tubes that connects to some central beer holding source. I think the best time to whip this invention out is open day, or interviews. It would also be a great pre-Bridge exercise. Who needs Anuba?  Or perhaps just drive it around casually in the middle of the day. It would certainly attract the eager cameras of wandering tourists.