It is understood by Cherwell that Nicola Sturgeon has attempted to sell a dead horse, savagely flogged since the September 18 2014, to Theresa May in exchange for a softer saddle on the back of the Government’s red, white, and blue horse as it gallops wildly into what politicians agree is either ‘a glorious sunset’ or ‘a gigantic ball of fire that will kill literally all of us.’

She told Cherwell: “It was tough deciding whether to sell my dead horse to May, or continue to flog it in front of an apathetic nation for nothing other than my own voyeuristic pleasure, but ultimately politics is about compromise.” Nicola Sturgeon denied any suggestions that this offer was being made entirely because only 45.5 per cent of Scots wanted to ride her dead horse—the same proportion that wanted to ride it when she wanted to go galloping in September of 2014. At the time, she had promised that the horse would produce oil to the tune of $115 a barrel. The price of oil subsequently dropped to $75 a barrel.

“Am I going to stop arguing for flogging my dead horse? Am I going to stop believing that Scotland is on a course to ride my dead, flogged horse?” Sturgeon asked. “No, but we are talking about the context and timescale of riding a frenzied and potentially feral red, white, and blue horse across the landscape of post-war integrated Europe,” she said as a solitary tear ran down her cheek, smudging her William Wallaceesque war paint.

Scottish Lib Dem leader Willie Rennie said Ms Sturgeon was “in danger of inflicting considerable and damaging economic uncertainty on Scotland” by attempting to sell the horse Sturgeon has flogged for so long, seemingly under the delusion that a party whose nine constituencies are all thoroughly English may be at all relevant.

It is reported that when Theresa May received this offer, the Prime Minister replied “go boil your head,” marking a notable shift towards reconciliation since assuming powe