By some divine miracle, I appear to be still alive and writing this column, having not died of shame after the OUDS Freshers Welcome Drinks, an event that I had feared was altogether too possible.

I have to say, when I was imagining what life would be like at Oxford, this is not quite what I had envisaged. I pictured wholesome intellectual discussions in front of the Rad Cam, romantic punts down the river Cherwell, perhaps a scandalous love affair with the future Prime Minister. I did not picture myself throwing up a bottle and a half of Chardonnay on to the deer park at Magdalen, or being told by the head of OUDS that “yes, we’ve thought of having gender blind auditions for Macbeth, and the reason you didn’t get the part had more to do with your abysmal stage presence than your genitalia”.

I have therefore decided to infiltrate the drama scene another way, by involving myself with theatre reviewing. I can think of no better outlet for my bitterness and jealousy than by writing a 500-word summary of a play that will air briefly online and be read by no-one.

I am thinking of applying to The Oxford Student, widely considered to be the university’s superior paper, because apparently Cherwell hasn’t published a negative theatre review in over six months, and the theatre editors seem to be completely useless. I have noticed that The Oxford Student seems to be begging people to write for it, and that its front page isn’t quite symmetrical, so I am hopeful that this endeavour will succeed. Plus, I have loads of experience in writing – I actually used to write Twilight fanfiction on the internet, so I don’t think the OxStu will be much of a step up in terms of intellectual challenge. Wish me luck with this new venture! Adieu, fair readers.

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