Oxford's oldest student newspaper

Independent since 1920

Confessions of a Drama Queen: My University Career Begins

In our new satirical column, 'Confessions of a Drama Queen', Katie Sayer re-imagines the Oxford drama scene from the perspective of a very melodramatic fresher

After discovering myself in South East Asia, I have finally found my spiritual home at Oxford University, the great land of my forbearers – and it only took two applications! Still, who doesn’t love a gap year?

Michael Palin, Rosamund Pike, that guy who was in Four Weddings and a Funeral… how privileged I feel to follow in their footsteps at this almighty institution, where I plan on dedicating my life to the stage and scraping by with a 2:2. This shouldn’t be too difficult, I am studying English after all.

I’ve already secured my first audition, for a play called Hedda Gabbler. I hadn’t heard of it, but friends tell me it’s quite good. I’m sure once I show up to an audition they will recognise my natural talent at once and immediately cast me as Hedda – assuming I’ve understood the Wikipedia page correctly, and ‘Hedda’ is actually the name of the main character, and not some kind of Scandinavian slang to do with blow jobs. I don’t want to boast, but I was actually once in an advert for Dairylea Dunkers, so I reckon I should have this audition nailed.

I’ve also made an Instagram account and put in the bio that I’m a “model”. (It isn’t technically a lie, as in year 10 my friend asked me to play Marilyn Monroe in her Film Studies coursework, which definitely counts.)

Anyway, I must go and learn Hedda’s main monologue, and Facebook stalk the auditions event to analyse the competition. I’ve had a look, and it seems like the done thing here is
to update your profile picture to a really badly-edited promotional image from the last production you’ve been involved in. Consequently, I’ve added ‘Fairfield Nativity, 2007’ to my own, along with a gross orange filter.

Fear not, I’ll update you on my progress a week hence, but I think we all know: I will be getting the part. Until next week, then. Adieu, fair readers! Adieu.

Support student journalism

Student journalism does not come cheap. Now, more than ever, we need your support.

Check out our other content

Most Popular Articles