After discovering myself in South East Asia, I have finally found my spiritual home at Oxford University, the great land of my forbearers – and it only took two applications! Still, who doesn’t love a gap year?

Michael Palin, Rosamund Pike, that guy who was in Four Weddings and a Funeral… how privileged I feel to follow in their footsteps at this almighty institution, where I plan on dedicating my life to the stage and scraping by with a 2:2. This shouldn’t be too difficult, I am studying English after all.

I’ve already secured my first audition, for a play called Hedda Gabbler. I hadn’t heard of it, but friends tell me it’s quite good. I’m sure once I show up to an audition they will recognise my natural talent at once and immediately cast me as Hedda – assuming I’ve understood the Wikipedia page correctly, and ‘Hedda’ is actually the name of the main character, and not some kind of Scandinavian slang to do with blow jobs. I don’t want to boast, but I was actually once in an advert for Dairylea Dunkers, so I reckon I should have this audition nailed.

I’ve also made an Instagram account and put in the bio that I’m a “model”. (It isn’t technically a lie, as in year 10 my friend asked me to play Marilyn Monroe in her Film Studies coursework, which definitely counts.)

Anyway, I must go and learn Hedda’s main monologue, and Facebook stalk the auditions event to analyse the competition. I’ve had a look, and it seems like the done thing here is
to update your profile picture to a really badly-edited promotional image from the last production you’ve been involved in. Consequently, I’ve added ‘Fairfield Nativity, 2007’ to my own, along with a gross orange filter.

Fear not, I’ll update you on my progress a week hence, but I think we all know: I will be getting the part. Until next week, then. Adieu, fair readers! Adieu.