Another week, another heartbreaking tale of rejection and solitude. The tragedy of my life this week concerns – inevitably – a boy.

Although, I would have it amended that ‘boy’ doesn’t do justice to my feelings for Thespian Jacob – ‘love of my life’ would be more appropriate.

It all began as I was sitting down to watch the play I was reviewing for Cherwell. When I say ‘sitting down’, I was accidentally half an hour late because I was catching up on The Apprentice and had to stand at the back, and to be honest I was so hungover that I’d napped through the first half, and then it happened. Thespian Jacob took centre stage, both in the play and in my heart.

Was it stalkerish that I followed the cast to the pub afterwards? If this was a 1990s Richard Curtis film, such a gesture would be the epitome of romance. And was it so outlandish to add his mum on Facebook? I just wanted to congratulate her for raising such a gift to the world! And as for my review verging on harassment… okay, so it ended with a marriage proposal. I do not think the restraining order was necessary.

It’s also quite unfortunate that it’s led to a lawsuit, but that’s for Cherwell to deal with. At least if there’s a trial I can go for a kind of felonious Elle Woods vibe, and our eyes can meet across the courtroom and he will realise that we are meant to be together forever and move to the home counties with three kids and a golden retriever.

He’s put on Facebook that he’s ‘interested’ in an audition for Sweet Charity, so I think I might try and join the costume team for that. Shouldn’t be too hard – I love charity shopping, and have seen the necessary tableau scene in Wild Child. Wish me luck! Adieu, fair reader!

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