Finally, the god of the arts has staged a divine intervention in my favour! After five long weeks of suffering, it seems that things are actually looking up for my university drama career.

This unexpected miracle occurred completely randomly. I was contentedly strolling down Cornmarket Street, holding my Pret like any middle-class humanities student at this university, when lo and behold, I was stopped by an agent!

Naturally, I always knew I would be model-scouted one day, but I hadn’t anticipated it being at 9.30am on a Tuesday, while I was wearing only leggings and a Law Society hoodie. I have never actually been to any Law Society events, and have no interest in law, but I want people to think I’m studious and intellectual. Apparently, LinkedIn is the new

Anyway, the casting agent said she had spied my face across the crowd, and realised in that very second that mine was exactly the kind of visage she was looking to cast in her upcoming production of a musical. It’s called like, The Horror Shop or something, I hadn’t heard of it. Apparently, I have the perfect looks and physicality for this character called “Audrey II”? I asked her a bit about my character, what she looked like, what her motivation was etc, and I thought she said the word “triffid”, but I must have misheard her. It must have been “terrific.”

She’s said rehearsals are to begin next Saturday, and has asked me to dress all in green. I can’t think why. I’ve also just realised that she’s not actually sent me a script yet, but I’m sure it will be fine – I’m certain my character will have lines, and lots of them.

I will let you know in due course how I fare with my big break. Adieu, fair reader!

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