Lady Pat. R. Honising: Tinderella

"You all know the drill ladies, the key to feeling good is looking good."

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Image: Pixabay

Dear Lady P,

My moment has finally arrived – after months and months of having tinder “just for a laugh”, the day has come where it has actually served a purpose other than being a vessel of entertainment on gals nights in. My selective swiping rate of approximately one man per hundred has yielded success, and I now have a first date coming up this week with an actually appealing man who might be interested in me? Any advice on how not to accidentally get blackout drunk and make a tit of myself/repel all men for the rest of time would be much appreciated!

Thank you muchly, A lady-in-waiting

Thank you muchly,

A lady-in-waiting

My dear sweet anon,

First of all , a HUGE congrats is in order, how exciting for you! You must lend your incredibly single Aunt some of your Tinder prowess/utilise the ‘share with a friend’ feature if you somehow happen to find another promising needle in the haystack that is Oxford Tinder. But less about that, and more about getting you ready for the date of a lifetime. Luckily for you (and unluckily for me), Tinder dating in Oxford happens to be a topic I am well versed in, you’re in safe hands here my dearest. 

First things first, you need to focus on how you are feeling about the whole shebang. Worry less about analysing his/his ex’s/his maternal cousin twice-removed’s insta posts for now, and more about what you want to get out of the night. Maybe it’s the fleeting bragging rights that come with telling your mates about how he is “sooooo much better looking in person” the next day before getting dumped over text and never mentioning him again, or maybe you are looking for the ‘real deal’. Either way, put yourself first and don’t go in there taking a single ounce of shit – if he turns out to be a flake/catfish/sexist, then you can absolutely now take the moral high ground – he’s the one missing out! If nothing else, at the very least you will come away with all the validation that one night of (hopefully) undivided attention tends to give you, plus very possibly a cute new panic-bought outfit, which we’ll talk more about following this very clunky segue! 

You all know the drill ladies, the key to feeling good is looking good. Sure, that new top you bought off the Topshop sales rack because you wanted to look fit in Bridge could work, but a trip to Westgate with your (probably quite exhausted) girl gang in tow also couldn’t hurt. Not to pedal an old cliché (although I am an Agony Aunt and that is in fact my job), but make sure to dress for you and you alone – do not waste a perfectly nice outfit on a boy who probably thinks that cullottes are something you season your chicken with. Dress for yourself to make sure you’re looking good and feeling gorgeous no matter how things pan out.

Once you’ve got all your emotional and physical prep out of the way, including that one enlightening shower where you shear your way through a month’s worth of unruly leg hair, (N.B. do NOT feel obligated to shave for any man please and thanks!), it’s time for the Big Day. There’s only really one way to prepare from here before you make the trek down to a devastatingly cool/devastatingly spenny Cowley bar – reserving the hour in all of your friends’ calendars for a bit of moral support over a cuppa/something stronger. It doesn’t really matter what words of wisdom they’ll give you during this vital time because you’ll probably still stress over the apparently limitless different ways you could fuck up, but it’s nice all the same. Just try to channel the message of every single “live laugh love” Facebook mum combined and be yourself because it’s probably bloody fantastic. Whether the date ends in an “it’s not you, it’s me” text a week later followed by a grovelling apology DM a year later, or even a fully fledged boyf, it’s all a bit of fun and will probably make a really good story to overshare with in the very near future! Go out and smash it, your Auntie will be thinking of you!

Lots of love and luck in your Tinderella pursuits,

Lady P. xoxoxo

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