Dear Agony Aunt,
I’ve come across a bit of a crisis and I don’t know what to do. I’ve recently started seeing a boy and we hit it off straight away – we’ve been on a couple of dates and I was really happy with where things were going. I won’t lie, he’s definitely a bit of an Oxford stereotype. He’s got the centre parting, the round tortoise-shell glasses and the superiority complex to match, so I don’t know why I didn’t see what happened last night coming. We went for a drink at a very bougie joint out of town and I went back to his Cowley house (because staying in college-owned accommodation is so overrated!). One thing led to another and it got a bit steamy, but this was before I looked up to notice a completely unironic poster of Boris Johnson in pride of place above his bed, and, as a Remain voting Labour leftie, I don’t think I’ve ever encountered a bigger turn off. Help me Lady Pat, how do I make like Brexit and get out of this situation?
Yours,
(Wishing I’d never) kissed a Tory
Dear Anon,
Oh honey, I am so sorry. There’s nothing like the crushing disappointment of falling for someone only to find out that they’ve got a potential hidden fetish for balding middle-aged men with very questionable morals – trust me, I’ve been there. No middle parting is worth it to end up second best to BoJo, though and to be honest it’s better you’ve realised it sooner rather than later. But don’t worry, your very unqualified Auntie is here to help you negotiate the best deal that hopefully sees you better off on the other side.
So, should you stay or should you go? It’s a difficult conversation to have, but it might be worth mentioning how this made you feel (e.g. traumatised), and you never know, he might realise the grave, grave error of his ways and (for the sake of you and all future ladies who enter his room) remove the poster. If this doesn’t work then maybe it’s time to begrudgingly listen to the democratic majority of my survey, which says that you should get out of there ASAP, so let’s work with it. You could always try and negotiate some kind of deal here – although you should probably get out of there before anything goes any further romantically, it can’t hurt to have a little bit of freedom of movement (although definitely round yours). It could also turn out that BoJo doesn’t necessarily mean BoJo and the poster could be the result of a particularly savage odds on, but a girl can only dream.
In the case that neither of these eventualities are possible, then I think it’s time to take a metaphorical leaf from Boris’ book and go for a no-deal exit. Set your sights on bigger and better things – never underestimate Bumble and its invasive questionnaires that avoid having to have the awkward politics conversation/revelation in person. If nothing else, it’s an anecdote to tell at pres and in never-have-I-evers for years to come, and probably also has got a very strong lead in the race of most mortifying date experiences ever – so take that as you will!
Stay strong, and better luck next time,
Auntie Pat xxx
