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Lady Pat R. Honising: Tutor crush

Our resident agony aunt advises one student how to get over a crush on her tutor...

Dear Lady Pat,

I’ve got a bit of a crush if I’m honest, and I know that they say love is blind, love has no age etc etc but this is someone I most definitely should not have a crush on.

He’s funny, super intelligent, we have a great chat on the most intellectual and banal of topics, he oozes sexy powerful vibes. Sounds perfect right, well apart from the 20 year age difference and the fact that he is my tutor you would be correct.

The problem is college has all these oppressive rules against such a relationship, they think it’s “inappropriate” and an “abuse of power” and society would be super judgy and just tell me I have “daddy issues”, but I’ve read the Freud and done some self analysis and can tell you this is categorically not true though.

From an academic standpoint and it affecting my grades I do reluctantly kinda see their point, but by God he is one sexy man. If he pushed aside his beautiful successful wife and adorable child I would be waiting to ride off into the sunset with him in an instant but sadly this is a distant hope and wild fantasy. He may be an office hermit and barely see his perfect family but I highly doubt he’d ever throw his stable home life from his ivory tower in favour of a whirlwind romance with some small insignificant little undergraduate. I can always hope though.

If it helps me get through an arduous tute or gives me strength through a soul destroying translation that didn’t even make sense in its original language, then it’s harmless, right?

Please advise me how to get over this crush, I’m flailing in tutes and my concentration is at times elsewhere…


My dear Juliet,

Get a grip. Making advances at your tutor is very dubious, and making advances at your married tutor, who has a child is a resounding and definite no. Stop it. Right now. No entertaining this.

I am a strong believer that we have a degree of control over who we’re into. Even if you can’t help but be attracted to him, you can definitely tell yourself very firmly that you would not go there, and refuse to let yourself daydream or fantasise about it.

Age may just be a number, but being a homewrecker is more than slightly frowned upon (trust me darling, I went to prep school with Camilla, so I’d know). More than that, if you actually had feelings for this man, trying to be romantically involved with him would be at the bottom of your list – at least until you graduate. Although you might both be adults, if it became public knowledge that he was having an affair with his student, the least that would happen is that he would gain a terrible reputation, and with the way the press are these days (I hate journalists), there’s more than a slight chance that it could hit the pages of the Daily Mail as some sensationalist sex scandal. Also the fact he could lose his job, which, as an Oxford tutor, would be pretty hard to beat.

Juliet, darling, we’ve all been there. At the ripe old age of one hundred and seven I, of course, have had the odd crush on someone terribly unsuitable (can I just clarify that despite the raw chemistry between Clinton and I nothing ever happened – she was too focused on her presidential campaign). But the difference is that I have learnt to pick my battles. You’re at Oxford darling – this place is practically dripping with attractive, charismatic, intelligent people – just come to the Cherwell offices on a Thursday afternoon and you’ll see.

Turn on some Lizzo, get yourself on Tinder, and forget about this man. The excellent sconces are not worth all the trouble it would cause.

Live, laugh, love,

-Lady P xxxxx

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