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    Cherwell closes after someone on Oxfess called it a “rag”

    Cherwell delivers the devastating news.

    It’s a miserable day in Oxford as the greatest newspaper in town has been forced to close down for good. An Oxfess post calling it a “rag” has shamed the integrity of the renowned publication, and so it thus has no other choice than to shut down. 

    Cherwell has been Oxford’s independent newspaper since 1920, boasting the likes of W.H Auden, Michael Crick, Charlie Hancock, and David Tritsch as its most esteemed alumni. Cherwell can reveal that the fine calibre of writers it has produced will be devastated by the news when they find out. 

    This comes as a post on Oxfess, an account where students and perverts can anonymously write outlandishly bold messages, called Cherwell a “rag”. This was in reaction to the scandalous results from the Sextigation Sex Survey, which clearly ruffled some feathers. Cherwell has been told that the writer of the post is 99% likely to be a Keble student. 

    Another Oxfess post at least said “sorry as a masters student” before going on to say “how bad” writing is in Oxford student journalism. However, the apology was not accepted.

    Cherwell has also seen documents suggesting that students will keep sending in very incorrect answers to the popular puzzles found on the back page, despite the closure of the publication.

    “It’s a travesty!” said someone in the downstairs High Street Café Nero lounge. “What’s Cherwell?” was also heard in the smoking area at the last Bridge Thursday of Hilary Term. “Stop talking about Cherwell,” said any friend of any Cherwell editor ever. 

    In an exclusive interview, Maurício Alencar and Estelle Atkinson, the current editors at Cherwell, told Cherwell: “The real reason we are doing this is because no one has bothered to nominate us in the BNOCs survey so far. It’s really peak.”  

    Oxfess has not been contacted for comment. 

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