This mildly comedic column has been written by a drag queen agony aunt. It is not for the faint hearted and contains sensitive topics which may cause distress to some readers. Be prepared for themes of carefully orchestrated murder, porn addiction, and pimping out twinks for a bit of spare cash.
Are you waking up in the middle of the night, dripping in sweat from night terrors about your father? Are you having repeated visions of him on all fours, with the limbs of a horse and the cock of a marginally smaller horse? Are you longing for the sweet release of top-tier Australian ketamine to forget about these nightmares? If so, get some help – I’m not a clinical psychologist and you sound like you might be a bit fucked up.
Rusty Kate is Oxford’s premier cum-filled crossdresser, known for delivering incredible shows all across the city (even if she doesn’t remember them the next day). She’s taken time out of her busy schedule being the country’s leading expert on intrusive prostate examination in men over 70 and wanking over the bullying scenes in Heartstopper to write this column. Seriously, she’s running out of ideas for this.
Remember to submit your questions through linktr.ee/rustykatedrag – there you can also buy mugs with her face on. It’s the closest you’ll ever get to having your lips around her.
My boyfriend snores and it makes it really hard to sleep at night. It frustrates me to no end, but every time I bring it up with him, he (rightly) says he can’t help it – what can I do to sort it out? I need some sleep!
This will require some carefully considered, level-headed actions which benefit the both of you. Smother him. Not in kisses, not in love, not in the affection your mother never provided (which is why you’re with him in the first place), but with the cold, sweet release of asphyxiation. He won’t even feel it – especially with the amount of ketamine you’ll have pumped through his system.
Yes, funerals are always hard and emotionally draining, but start dropping hints to his close friends and family that he has a bit of a drinking problem. Play the part of the remarkably well-adjusted mourning widow – it’s your only choice. The sweet, night-time melodies of your traumatised sub-conscious, begging for forgiveness for this heinous act, will be much easier to cope with once the snoring has finally ceased.
I think my partner is addicted to porn. They’ve told me before that they watch it on a daily basis, and they consistently struggle to climax when we’re getting intimate – how do I address this with them without making them feel even worse?
You don’t. It’s a dog-eat-dog world, and my OnlyFans can’t take the hit right now. It’s the only thing standing between me and the bailiffs. Don’t make me start filming the videos myself – it’s much more convenient to drug twinks in G-A-Y Late, pump them with speed and make them shag until dawn than it is to try and film yourself topping. It’s remarkably expensive to start a GHB-based twink drugging scheme, especially post-Brexit (my imports are down 30%). Support queer business, and use discount code LUSTY KATE to receive 5 videos for the price of 6.