Roses are red, violets are blue … Valentine’s is dead and romance is too…
I like to consider myself an activist and so I’ve joined a very worthwhile campaign: banning Valentine’s Day. The chocolates, the flowers, the kisses, the sex – the goal is to ban all forms of love on February fourteenth each year. I’ll continue to work on this valuable mission for as long as I’m single.
It’s come and gone, the annual anti-single day is behind us for another year. And what a shame! What’s not to love about a day devoted to making those who aren’t in a relationship feel as if they are the world’s biggest loner, and the bank accounts of those who are romantically involved, suffer unnecessarily? It’s a day which fuels capitalism, keeping Cadbury’s in business and providing every florist’s biggest pay-day.
If you did have a romance filled, lovey, dovey Valentine’s, then good for you. If you’re delusional enough to actually look forward to the made-up holiday every year, then I hope you enjoyed your 24 hours in fairyland. I’m not a cynic, but I’m sure those romantic illusions are wilting by now, at just about the same pace as those flowers you were gifted. The day itself is like the Olympics of Love – the race to get the reddest roses, dipping strawberries in chocolate in record time and managing to secure your personal best in public displays of affection per minute.
Maybe you are part of an even more infuriating group of Valentine’s celebrators – the ‘Galentiners’. Quit pretending that all you need is your friends, you’re kidding yourself if you think they’ll give you the validation you crave. And talk about being exclusive, what kind of a friend are you to leave your girl out of the Galentine’s celebration just because she has a boyfriend. You know who you are and you should be ashamed.
Congratulations if you made it through the day as a singleton while faced with the injustice of being bombarded with obnoxious, over-affectionate couples taking hold of every restaurant – as well as your entire Instagram feed. This year, we were really f**ked. The fact that Valentine’s Day fell in 5th week seems like a cruel joke from the Universe. Forget reds and pinks, this week has been Blues all round.
If you’re still reeling from feelings of loneliness and the fear of being forever single, then why not give yourself some love? For those who have decided to give themselves over to the darkness (also known as being in a relationship) then isn’t everyday Valentine’s when love is in the air? If you’re a devoted narcissist like me then love is always in the air… because I love myself more than anyone else.
So why not treat yourself to some ‘you’ time and experience some relief from the dullness of existing. No awkward chit-chat before, no finger numbness from swiping right on Tinder and no walk of shame home because you can do it from home. In fact, contrary to some beliefs, there’s no shame at all in having a good time in your own company.
Anne Summers is doing a clearance sale for what I presume is all the returned items after the love spell broke for many this week and the ‘Private Shop’ on Cowley Road has just had a much needed ‘makeover’. Take the plunge and invest in something saucy for yourself. You obviously can’t be happy if you’re single, but you can be slightly less sad while the pain of Valentine’s and 5th week begins to subside.
But who am I to be talking about embracing your singlehood? I wasn’t going to sit at home sipping vino with my gal pals, kidding myself into thinking that Anne Summers is a replacement for romance, or sobbing over The Notebook. That’s how I spend the other 364 days of the year.
I had three options to choose from on Tuesday night. You see, writing a sex column really does pay off. But I never kiss and tell … well I do, but I’ll leave you wanting more.
