Like so many, my first year at Oxford was spent trying to conquer imposter syndrome. Despite getting through the interview process unscathed, I couldn’t shake the feeling that I wasn’t what Oxford actually wanted.While passion is imperative, there are few things that this university loves more than confidence.
When the options open to us are either to give in to crippling self doubt, or buy into Oxford’s glossy cult of confidence, it comes as little surprise that the term that flies around Oxbridge students is a far less admirable one: entitlement. Though the average Oxonian might be afraid to admit it, we are constantly told that we are special and that we are, in fact, ‘worthy’.
Think back to matriculation day. Newly gowned in sub fusc, after being chanted at in Latin, you are free to run around the city, champagne bottle in hand, feeling as if you own the place. That is only the beginning—next comes the long list of formals and weird Oxford traditions, intimate tutorials and post-exam trashing. Rightly or wrongly, you undoubtedly feel special. The city of Oxford itself falls away, your world becomes a complete bubble.
For people like myself, living in a world so different from home, the ‘Oxford bubble’ is only too real. I entered into spaces I had never entered before and was told by the university that I deserved to be there. It cannot be avoided that confidence, especially in such spaces, is social currency. It is a valuable commodity within an institutional culture obsessed with achievement and success — a place where LinkedIns are exchanged across the table at formal halls. Egoism goes hand in hand with such a culture.
Looking back at my fresher self, though I am embarrassed by her actions, I can’t help but feel a sense of pity. Unconsciously, I began to morph into this world. My already English accent began to take on a posher edge; and I would return home to Wales and feel like a sellout. Instead of dealing directly with it, I buried my imposter syndrome by conforming to what I thought was the Oxford mould.
So no, you do not have to be an entitled narcissist to apply to Oxford, far from it. Yet, in an institution that has rewarded and cultivated such self-assurance for hundreds of years, it is all too easy to slip into arrogance. The ‘Oxford bubble’ is real, people get trapped within it, and some never manage to escape. Although it may appear to be the perfect system, where all your success comes directly from yourself, Oxford is complicated by layers of unspoken privileges. It’s a culture severed from normalcy, the same old machine that historically upheld the egoism of upper classes. It’s a place where spending six figures on a college celebration seems reasonable in the name of tradition; a tradition that links such extravagance with ‘intelligence’. Oxford, like it or not, is a place that breeds entitlement.
The truth is, I am still not quite sure what it means to be ‘worthy’ of this place. I can be proud of my achievements, confident within myself and academics, while recognising that it is important to step back and actually consider why we are made to feel so special.
