Dating can be frustrating, to say the least. Being trapped in a situationship with someone who throws around pop-psychology terms such as ‘commitment issues’ to diagnose their lack of effort is an all-too-common occurrence. To like someone and act authentically seems to be a dying art – what is true love without relentless anxiety and the “what are we” talk, anyway? Many women, tired of fruitless “talking stages” and begging for the bare minimum, may be familiar with online discourse on “decentering” men – I know I am. But why is this specifically aimed at women? And what does it mean exactly, to”decenter” nearly half of the population?
Decentering men is a fourth-wave feminist concept, originating in the early 2020s, which most commonly focuses on the experiences of heterosexual women. Proponents argue that women’s lives are far too contingent on male validation, so that romantic involvement is seen as a prerequisite to fulfilment. Fear-mongering influencers warn that a woman might neglect her goals (career or otherwise) if her thoughts are consumed by a mere man – and the emphasis is on your Hinge date being “just some guy”. It is thought that women are more likely to excuse poor behaviour because of the patriarchal roots of relationships, which make women crave the romantic approval of men more than vice versa. Thus, there is a need to make an active effort to decenter men. This, at first, seems nothing but empowering: after all, we no longer live in a society where women rely on men for their livelihood.
But does this movement go too far? Obsession is not always self-effacing, or contrary to feminist principles of independence. Sometimes this is merely excitement, and it is only human for this to become distracting. The most celebrated romance novels, while, of course, being idealistic, portray love as all-consuming, and even sickening at times, nor is this trope reserved for women. Perhaps the decentering movement goes too far in gendering modern dating. Maybe love doesn’t need to be constantly politicised, and worrying about the feminist implications of really liking your talking stage actually just ruins what would otherwise be an enjoyable experience. In my own experience, over-literal subscription to such ideas only exacerbated the perfectionism I already suffered from: I distinctly remember calling my mum in tears, thinking I was letting down my gender for getting distracted from a Prelims essay (it didn’t even count towards my grade – yikes). Is the doctrine of decentering, therefore, too harsh?
Cliché as it is, it seems that finding a balance is the best means to navigate this movement. Being distracted by someone who treats you well is not necessarily a weakness; on the contrary, it is often a source of happiness, and what’s more self-empowering than that? However, the issue arises when another person becomes the only source of such happiness. Decentering men can be a helpful way to realise that a relationship is not necessary to feel whole in yourself – especially considering how many people seek out the concept of one, without even enjoying the reality of it. After all, it is this mindset that leads to letting your standards slip. Boredom and the desire to be “locked in” to an undefined someone has led me, a self-proclaimed feminist, to excuse some truly egregious behaviour. I’m still haunted by my friends’ disappointed faces when I finally told them the full truth ex post facto – “you never mentioned that he said that!”. So, before you make your next pros and cons list (not a terrific sign, might I add), consider: is he really all that?
