As the election for Oxford University’s chancellorship closes its first round, all but five candidates will be eliminated. Here’s some highlights of candidate statements, from detailed A-Levels results to intimate knowledge of “bowels”, written by people from all walks of life – including a first-year undergraduate from “The Other Place”.
Certain candidates seemed to want to underline their fitness prowess and how this pertains to the role. Tanya Tajik argued: “I even teach Zumba. Zumba is something, that not only keeps your body active but your mond as well. This will again help me manage responsibilities of a Chancellor”. Dominic Grieve stressed a similar sentiment: “At 68 and still scuba diving and mountain walking, I am confident that I have the energy to do this”.
Aside from reassuring the Convocation about various Zumba and scuba diving expertise, other candidates extended the scope of extracurricular activities even further, with Nirpal Singh Paul Bhangal drawing attention to his cinematographic skills. He included a link to the trailer to his independent film Oxford University – The Untold Story, a big-screen production that he claims led to Chancellor Chris Patten describing him “as a true innovator”. “What we achieved in ten months, would have taken Oxford several years,” he claims.
Amongst this array of statements in which policy messages are specified and greatest strengths are highlighted, some candidates chose an alternative tactic: earnestly imploring the Convocation for the position. Benjamin Ivatts thought it necessary to clarify some essential facts about himself: “I got an A and 2 Bs in my A-levels and was never able to go to Oxford which I regard as the greatest university in the world…My cousin went to Oxford…Also my brother lives in Oxford.” With that he requests: “Come on guys make Benjamin Arthur Edgar Ivatts go viral to realise my dream to become chancellor. Vote Benjamin Arthur Edgar Ivatts!”
Candidate Francisc Vladovici Poplauschi, a first-year undergraduate history student at Cambridge according to LinkedIn, also had concerns about some of his competition: “Who cares about the big names? They’re all old anyway, they will probably pop off soon and I’ll be back here anyway so let’s skip ahead and elect me”.
Abrar ul Hassan Shapoo chose to be concise, clearly valuing quality over quantity, the entirety of his statement reading: “If I got selected I will work with honesty and welfare of the university and development of students and university”.
Maxim Parr-Reid celebrated his own experiences at the University as an undergraduate student, but mentions in detail that “achieving a Distinction in Prelims and owning a scholar’s gun [sic] is still, several years later, one of my fondest memories of Oxford”. Either “scholar’s gun” is an extremely obscure term within the Oxford vernacular, or he is merely evidencing the comedy of misprints.
Azeem Farooqi, a self-professed doctor, professes that he “intimately understand[s] the bowels of this nation”, a claim that may cause the reader to feel slightly squeamish in light of his occupation.
