Why. Can’t. We. Win. Eurovision? We’ve tried everything: Scooch’s airborne masterpiece gave us cheese; that guy who lost X-factor five years ago tried disco; Teenage Life gave us, well, something. Even deploying the accomplished and ancient Mr Humperdink hasn’t saved us. Yet again we’ve been forced to watch painfully as those potential points slip through our fingers like fine Azerbaijani sand; another annual reminder of our worryingly strained relationship with Europe.
Surely the standard of our entrants cannot be faulted: a man who is tired of Blue is most definitely tired of life. And, whilst Estonian novelty acts may win some votes with their attempts to drown us all in a sea of silly hats and backing beats that sound like they came from a child’s Casio keyboard, generic pop songs similar to our own usual efforts take home the trophy.
Clearly the reason for our perpetual embarrassment is that nobody likes us. And with good reason: our nation of greasy beef-eating tea-fetishists has spent the fifteen years since our last win grossly and deliberately out of step with our European neighbours. Over Euro entry, over Iraq, over Cameron’s veto: our belligerence knows no bounds. Such was the fallout from the veto alone that German MEP Alexander Lambsdorff moaned it had always been ‘a mistake to let the British into the EU’. So that’s one vote lost for Engelbert then.
The lack of solidarity with Europe is ingrained in our national psyche. For all we might ridicule Americans’ lack of universal healthcare and inability to solve problems without shooting them, we shamelessly ape their culture and their politics like an uncool younger brother. Our leaders are far keener to stress the ‘special relationship’ and sidle up to the big and shiny ‘land of the free’ than accept our position as one medium-sized economy amongst equals in Europe. To do so would be to ditch British exceptionalism, to shake off the imperial delusions of grandeur. But our immature non-compliance with the EU loses us more than just singing contests. With a return to recession and the emergent need for a coordinated rolling back of austerity, the ability to organise and cooperate with our invaluable European trading partners has become ever more pressing.
If there was one lesson to take home from the economic crisis, it was the vital importance of international agreement over fiscal policy. If we are to return to growth and help end the Euro crisis for the benefit of all, then Cameron must put his gut instincts to one side and work to end this silly antagonism between ourselves and our neighbours. And who knows, perhaps then Europe’s leading musical talent might actually make it over to Britain some day.
