A riot at the Oxford University Student Union (OUSU) freshers’ fair resulted in thousands of pounds of damage to the historic Examination Schools and several members of staff from the pizza chain Domino’s being sent to hospital.
The OxStew understands that the riot began following malicious rumours spread by free speech supporters inside the fair that the Domino’s stand had run out of pizza. This caused a run on the Domino’s stall and led to several Domino’s members of staff being taken hostage. Several sources have told The OxStew that as the riot intensified students began to strip and pour boiling cheese on the bodies of the hostages, in an attempt to discover the location of more pizza. The riot was eventually put down by Conservative Association members who mistakenly interpreted the uprising as an attempted Corbynist coup.
The University’s Examination Schools are also thought to have been badly damaged in the riot. Many hope that the costs of repairing the damage to the building, for which OUSU is liable as organisers of the fair, will result in the student union going bankrupt so that their colleges can be left the fuck alone.
Freddie Fresh, a fresher at Freshfields College, told The OxStew, “Without the free pizza, freshers’ fair is bloody pointless. I mean how else could people cope with looking at hundreds of stalls detailing things that they will never have time to do while at Oxford? Because let’s face it, Oxford students don’t have free time. When people heard that the pizza might run out the only thing they could reasonably do was go batshit crazy.”
The riot is the latest revenge attack against OUSU organised by free speechers, following the implementation of a ban on the distribution of their magazine No Offence at the fair. A spokesperson for the Free Speech Liberation Front told The OxStew, “Give me liberty or give me death! We will not rest until we can speak freely on campus. Of course, insisting on being able to deliberately offend people makes me a bit of a bellend, but that’s my right. The right to be a bellend. Enshrine that one in the Human Rights Act you commies!”
Collective groans have been reported at colleges all across Oxford, following the reignition of the free speech debate at the University. Joseph Rich, a member of the silent majority, commented, “Look, we fucking hate both sides by this point. They’re both a bunch of attention seeking, self-interested twits who feed off each other’s egos. Is it too much to just be able to have fun and study every now and again without pretending you’re engaged in a struggle over the fate of the universe every five minutes?”
Meanwhile, the guy who makes all the pizzas at Express Pizza tipped off The Oxstew,“With all the local Domino’s workers in hospital, students will now have no choice but to buy our impossibly cheap pizzas. Hee hee!”
