Saturday 21st June 2025
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Debate: Is OUSU a waste of our precious resources?

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YES – Dan Sutton

When I was a little boy, I was taught that if you wanted to spend your money on something, you should ask yourself three questions: how much do you like it, how much will you use it, and how much will it cost. Even though I rarely display such dispassionate rationality myself, the questions seem to provide reasonable guidance for evaluating any substantial cost. And so, in response to this title, I’d like to suggest that while OUSU does undoubtedly perform some very worthy tasks, but from a purely use-orientated perspective, such as that my grandfather imparted to me, it is a waste of money.

On the “how much do you like it” question, OUSU struggles a little. According to its website, its mission is, “To represent, support and enhance the lives of Oxford students” – a fair test for this question might therefore be the student satisfaction results. In the most recent National Student Survey results, OUSU scored a 31 percent satisfaction rate. Quite remarkably, it achieved a score five points lower than the one which saw it ranked worst in the country in 2014, has a rating exactly one-third as popular as Sheffield’s Student Union, and is statistically less popular than Tony Blair when he resigned.

Perhaps more damning is that these results were the worst for any one part of the University by a country mile: it weighs in a full 26 percentage points lower than any other score related to Oxford University. These statistics suggest that Oxford students are deeply unhappy with OUSU, an unfortunate predicament for the organisation whose raison d’être is to make them happy. Crucially, it also shows that they regard it as substantially less helpful than other services financially supported by Oxford University, who are competing for the same funds. Not only is OUSU unpopular, it also limits funding to the services students actually regard as satisfactory.

The “how much will you use it” question also provides some difficulties. In the 2014 elections, turnout was estimated at 14 per cent – an engagement rate even lower than the infamous Police and Crime Commissioner elections in 2012. Even that response is tremendous in comparison to the single reply received by the Rent and Accommodation questionnaire last term. Even among the minority of students who do show interest, there is not enough enthusiasm to fill roles: planned elections for eight divisional board representatives last term were cancelled because only one person stood. This lack of interest renders the representative nature of OUSU limited at best: the represented opinion of most appears to be apathy, and those few candidates who do stand are hardly tested or accountable. On the other hand, disengagement is unsurprising when the council report for the end of last academic year cited a £9 million quote for double beds across the University and plans to build a monorail. Irrespective of whether or not it benefits them, the students OUSU aims to represent show little willingness to engage at all, and thus the second test is failed.

The last question, “how much will it cost”, offers little more hope of value. The University provides the bulk of OUSU’s funding, just over £650,000 for this academic year: this outlay equates to over 140 of Oxford’s most generous undergraduate bursaries per year. Some will argue that this grant is lower than that which many student unions up and down the country receive; however, a glance at the comparable Cambridge Student Union (CUSU) accounts shows that they require far less, only around £300,000 per year including affiliation fees. Also striking is how the CUSU is able to generate roughly £400,000 per year of its own budget through charitable activities, while OUSU only manages to fund around £250,000 of its own money, two-fifths of which in 2015/16 is due to come through charging £40 per stall at Freshers’ Fair. When compared to a similar institution from a collegiate university, OUSU appears a considerable and inefficient drain on University and society finances.

At this point, we should acknowledge that a number of OUSU’s expenses are, without doubt, money well and thoughtfully spent: projects such as the Access Scheme and the Mind Your Head mental health campaign are of vital importance to the student body. Yet, the problem here is that the allocation of resources limits the positive effect of such projects, thus wasting substantial sums of money. The two projects mentioned above receive tiny amounts: the Access Scheme was apportioned just over £2600, while the Mind Your Head campaign, as with similar projects, was budgeted only £600 for 2015/16. Compare that to the £136,017 OUSU plans to spend this year on website and publication costs, or the £90,000-100,000 spent on “democratic structures” and related staffing, and it becomes apparent the good OUSU does is fiscally swamped by inefficient and poorly-prioritised spending. It seems OUSU’s cost is hardly justifiable either.

I am not trying to show that OUSU is useless , or that OUSU does not serve necessary and important functions on behalf of Oxford students. What I would suggest is that, if we purely evaluated OUSU on its value for money, it fares poorly, using considerable funds while fulfilling few of its aims. My grandad, admittedly an accountant, would not be impressed

NO – Nick Cooper

Now if you think that we sit in our office all day, condemning and censoring left, right and centre (or, I suppose, just right and centre), I can completely understand why you might consider OUSU a waste of resources. So I’m very pleased, as a current Sabbatical Officer, to let you know what we actually do for students on a daily basis – and how we’re able to do a lot for Oxford students despite the limited resources we have.

The role of the Student Union in Oxford will always be different from most universities: the collegiate system gives students a natural home. Your common rooms do an incredible amount of work: putting on many events, representing you, providing welfare support and supplies. However, across the 74 Common Rooms – all run by people who are super committed, but ultimately still students with degrees to do – there needs to be a place for central training, support and resources. This is what we’re here for.

Last weekend we trained Common Room Presidents how to lobby effectively on your behalf. We also offer training for many other positions – including welfare, academic affairs and charities reps. We also lobbied for, and still oversee, the sexual consent workshops across most Common Rooms – workshops that received 99% satisfaction. As a central service, we help Common Rooms every year to provide you with the best support possible. Oh, and ever used your Common Room’s welfare supplies? They probably came in bulk from us.

But while you all belong to a college, you are students of the University. The University writes students’ curriculums and exams, sets the policies on supervision and workload, provides the Counselling Service and central libraries, and decides on most fees and funding arrangements. The only way that you – as students – can influence these crucial decisions is via your Student Union.

OUSU now has representation on almost every University committee that makes decisions affecting students. Recent wins include securing the right of suspended status students to have access to University facilities, an extra £200m in graduate scholarships, and protecting the Castle Mill graduate accommodation. protecting the Castle Mill graduate accommodation.

I hope you’d agree that this work – only possible through lengthy negotiations by Sabbatical officers and others – is crucially important. And it may be you’ve had a great experience – which is fantastic! – but as we hear daily, many don’t, and this is why we’re here.

So I’ve outlined what we do, and I hope this sways you that we’re a good use of surprisingly few resources – our University grant comes in at around £29 per student. But I should address why people might think we’re a waste of resources. First, headlines like “OUSU condemns X”, “OUSU wastes £20”, “OUSU supports the X”, “OUSU supports the Devil”. These reflect decisions of OUSU’s Council – a body comprising each of your Common Rooms.

If you don’t like these decisions, that’s perfectly reasonable – but you’re always welcome to attend and speak against them (as many do) or to mandate your Common Room to vote a certain way. We are ultimately accountable to all of you as our members – undergraduate or postgraduate, UK or international, and whatever your background and circumstances.

A lot of attention is paid to the £2500 allocated by Council, despite the fact that this constitutes less than one per cent of our budget. What about the other 99 per cent?

14 per cent pays for the six Sabbatical Officers. Offering Common Room support, overseeing Raise and Give (RAG) and 13 other campaigns – including our newest, SusCam, supporting suspended status students – and lobbying at cross-college, University and national level, I hope you’d agree that we’re worth the money. 20 per cent (our commercial arm) pays for itself. 25 per cent directly supports students.

This includes student campaigning on issues like access, bringing hundreds of disadvantaged students to shadow undergraduates and producing the Alternative Prospectus which reaches thousands. We also provide Common Rooms with free online elections, and our Student Advice Service who give free, confidential advice to hundreds of you each year. 10 per cent powers the office and our legal duties – we have little choice here.

Finally, just under 30 per cent funds the bare minimum of permanent staff who work tirelessly to ensure that our accounts are in order; that welfare supplies are distributed; that Freshers’ Fair runs smoothly; that our elections, Council and Executive work effectively; that hundreds of course reps are trained and supported; and that we can communicate all this to you. We couldn’t and shouldn’t scrap these services, and it would be such a disservice to class their work as a “waste of resources”.

I hope I’ve convinced you what we do is I hope I’ve convinced you what we do is a good use of moderate resources. You may not always agree with everything we do, and I get that – but please get involved and speak up. Vote in the upcoming elections, take up a position, or drop us an email. All officers make reports to Council – I’d urge you to read them on our website to see what we’ve done. We are your voice to the University: now, tell us what you want us to say.

Tuition fee rise for top universities planned by government

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Universities in England which can demonstrate “high quality teaching” will be given the option to raise their fees above the current £9000/year limit in line with inflation, Minister for Universities Jo Johnson has proposed.

In a Green Paper published earlier this week, the Department for Business, Innovation and Skills suggested that universities should be ranked in four brackets based on student experience, graduate job prospects, drop-out rates and quality of teaching. Those universities in the top bracket of teaching would be allowed to raise fees in line with inflation, whilst the fees of those universities in the bottom rank would have to charge less than the current cap. The document will be under consultation until January next year, but is likely to lead to a White Paper, and potentially a bill before Parliament.

The increase in fees is part of a series of initiatives designed to encourage universities to raise the standards of their teaching. Other measures include the creation of a new “Office for Students” (OfS), which will merge the Higher Education Funding Council for England and the Office for Fair Access. The OfS would act as a student “champion”, as part of “a regulatory structure that puts the student interest – and value for money for the student, for the taxpayer, at its heart” in the words of Jo Johnson. The Green Paper explicitly states that the new regulator will have a statutory duty “to promote the interests of students to ensure that the OfS considers issues primarily from the point of view of students, not providers”.

Johnson has also pushed for universities to use “point scores” instead of traditional degree bands (1st, 2:1 etc) as grades. Johnson claimed the 2:1 band “disguises very considerable differences in attainment.” The paper also contains targets for a 20 per cent increase in the number of students from ethnic minority backgrounds studying at university, and aims to double the proportion of students from disadvantaged backgrounds. The target would not be enforced by quotas, but would be monitored by the OfS, which would have the powers to require universities to release data on the backgrounds of their students. The paper also proposes that universities could become exempt from the Freedom of Information Act.

Labour’s Universities spokesman Gordon Marsden said the options to increase fees in line with inflation would create a “twotier system” that could “brand some universities as second class, and damage the life chances of students who go to them”.

Catherine Kelly, a second-year at St Hugh’s, told Cherwell, “[These proposals] will just lead to the further commodification of education and either discourage people from low income backgrounds from aiming for the highest quality educational institutions or leave them with a disproportionate level of debt. The slashing of the maintenance grants and this proposal go against all the government’s empty talk about making education more accessible to people from disadvantaged backgrounds.”

When contacted, Oxford University said that it was “studying the paper carefully”, and “expect to respond in due course”.

 

Analysis: Patrick Mulholland on why he thinks a two-tier university system might not be the worst idea 

It’s the worst kept secret in British education but somebody has to say it: tertiary level education is a commodity. Gone are the highfalutin days of ‘education for education’s sake,’ of the Platonic ideal, of ‘the academy.’ Students are consumers. It’s like that scene in Good Will Hunting where Matt Damon’s character sizes up a cocksure Ivy League grad, “You dropped a hundred-and-fifty grand on an education you coulda’ got for a dollar fifty in lay charges at the public library.” To which, of course, he bluntly retorts, “Yeah, but I’ll have a degree.” Your £9,000 tuition fees are investments – investments that, undoubtedly, you wish to see a return on. The question then becomes not so much whether or not student fees are justified, but how they are apportioned fairly, and not so as to impede social mobility.

However, in trying to inextricably link the quality of teaching with wage packets, the government has committed a spectacular blunder. The plan to allow high-flying universities to increase tuition fees in line with inflation will not incentivise higher standards; rather, it will hike up grade inflation (UCU lecturers’ union), as has been seen in the States. Secondly, in a society where having a university education is seen as a monopoly on success, the onus lies on the state to account for any adjustment to student fees. Here, we must bear in mind that a degree is a marketable asset, and that non-EU international students already have to fork out up to £22,515. And, given that third level education for domestic students is already heavily subsidised by the taxpayer – many of whom haven’t attended university – I, personally, would argue that graduates should pay their fair share. Take Oxbridge, for example – simply having Oxon. or Cantab. after your name adds an extra £7,600 to your starting salary, on average. This ought to be reflected in our tuition costs. That is not, however, to say that there isn’t a threshold, nor that at £9,000 it has been undervalued, met or surpassed. Our definition of ‘fairness’ must be fleshed out by rigorous debate and engagement, on both sides of the equation – students and politicians.

The Green Paper also includes proposals to restructure the sector’s regulatory mechanism in the form of a Teaching Excellence Framework (TEF). This will employ the use of metrics such as student satisfaction, student retention rates and so on. Surely these measures, alongside the adoption of a US-style grade point average to assess performance beyond the fruits of a stressfilled, caffeine-fueled round of examinations, should be welcomed. Yet, some have argued that this will create a two-tier system, to which I say: what of it? Speaking to the Financial Times, universities minister, Jo Johnson said, “In any market, for it truly to function properly, you have to have the scope for market shares to shift and for people to choose to stop offering courses and ultimately also, if they decide so, to quit the sector altogether.” If universities are not fit to render the best possible service to students then they are not fit for business. So long as student loans are manageable and poorer families are not dissuaded from sending their children to university, I see little cause for complaint, at least in principle.

Freshers’ Fair charges face criticism

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A motion at OUSU Council on Wednesday has passed, criticising the annual rates Oxford University charges OUSU to hold Freshers’ Fair at the Examination Schools. £15,948 is charged for the use of the building, £11,000 for the marquee and further costs for advertising, security and staff.

The motion originally criticised OUSU for charging £40 at the fair for a stall, but amendments proposed by OUSU President Becky Howe shifted the focus onto the University, from which the costs for stallholders stem. The amended motion resolves to mandate the University to increase its subsidisation of the three-day event.

Freshers’ Fair is organised each year by OUSU, where £40 is charged to all clubs and societies for a single table, £90 for two tables and £140 for three tables regardless of what they are for, the size of the society or its wealth. The £30 charge for a replacement lanyard has also been criticised for being too high.

These charges were criticised for being excessive by the motion’s original proponent, Jessy Parker Humphreys from Jesus College, particularly because most universities do not charge at all for tables at their freshers’ fairs. Further to this, the presidents of some smaller societies have had to pay out of their own pocket to fund a table at Freshers’ Fair. With regard to lanyard replacement costs, the initial motion (before it was amended) argued, “Charging £30 to replace a lanyard consisting of a piece of printed paper in a cheap plastic wallet is exorbitant and unnecessary.”

Natasha Somi, a member of Race Matters (formerly Skin Deep), who rented a stall at last year’s Freshers’ Fair, says, “I think the stalls are extremely expensive and that this especially disfavours smaller charities who don’t have sponsors. The current system means that Freshers’ Fair is potentially unrepresentative of student societies. I would definitely be behind efforts to reduce the price or to change the pricing system.”

Becky Howe, OUSU President, told Chewell, “Once all the costs are broken down, the cost of £40 to societies is actually significantly subsidised by income from other areas of the fair. In an ideal world, we wouldn’t charge clubs and societies anything at all to have stalls at Freshers’ Fair, but we simply could not continue to run the event in its current form if we didn’t have the £40 charge. However, if students want the format of the event to change – i.e. have it in a smaller venue – that’s something we can absolutely look into, with student involvement.”

The motion argued that the Freshers’ Fair is a central part of the student experience, and that the University should ensure the continued sustainability of Freshers’ Fair, in light of student concerns about stall costs. It further argues that the cost of exam schools is “excessive”.

While the £40 fee remains controversial, the University’s Clubs Committee gives startup grants, and special purposes grants and loans to registered clubs and societies, which specifically aims to help with costs like the stall price at Freshers’ Fair. In order to encourage further use of these grants, the amended motion also mandates the President to advise clubs and societies (via the all-student email or otherwise) of the Clubs Committee grants before the Committee’s Hilary Term deadline.

The University told Cherwell, “We will be happy to discuss this issue with the Oxford University Student Union” later adding “OUSU is given a reduced price for using the Exam schools for Freshers’ Fair, so there is a significant difference between what they pay and the fee that would be levied for a commercial event. As is the practice for all events at the Examination Schools, we have to ensure that directly incurred costs (for staffing, utilities etc) are covered.”

Somerville fights gender binaries

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TW: Transphobia 

Somerville JCR has provisionally passed a motion to introduce the gender-neutral pronouns ‘they’ and ‘their’ into its Constitution and Standing Orders in its Fifth Week JCR meeting on Sunday.

The broadly supported motion is intended to “encourage all officers and members of the JCR to use gender inclusive language wherever possible”. JCR chair David Miron and JCR LGBQT+ Officer Chloe Funnell, who proposed the motion, argue it will help promote inclusivity for all JCR members. However, due to a miscommunication on the extent of the majority needed for the motion to pass, the motion has to be re-submitted to and pass next week’s meeting.

Miron and Funnell note in their motion that the first article of Somerville JCR’s constitution states that “all undergraduate Student Members of College shall be full members of the JCR”. They feel that the gendered articulation of JCR officer positions might exclude those who identify as neither male nor female, conflicting with this first article. The two students therefore stated in the motion that, “Members of the JCR should have the right to run for First Year Officer and Welfare Officer, even if they do not identify as male or female.” The motion further proposed a revision of the titles of ‘Male Welfare Officer’ and ‘Female Welfare Officer’ to ‘Two Welfare Officers of Different Gender Identities’.

The proposed motion would result in 14 pronoun changes in the existing JCR constitution and 19 substitutions in the standing orders.

Ex-JCR president Shyamli Badgaiyan chaired the discussion and thought it “very open and productive”, telling Cherwell, “While there was some confusion expressed about how welfare representation would play out, there was enthusiastic support for using gender-neutral pronouns and leading change towards greater equality and tolerance as a college.”

The motion was not, however, unanimously passed in a secret ballot, with 39 votes for, three against and three abstentions. The leading critic of the proposed motion, Jonathan Wu, raised a number of points in opposition. Wu believes the results of the secret ballot (three against and three abstentions) show he was not alone in his concerns, telling Cherwell, “The substantive agenda behind the seemingly benign and dull grammatical exercise lies in forcing the students to accept their private beliefs that the human race is made up of more subcategories other than being male or female, through the mechanism of changing the Officer’s official title.”

Wu suggested this could be better served by creating a third welfare officer to represent other gender identities “even if they might not objectively exist”. He maintains, “I continue to respect each person whom I come into contact with, and I believe that this is what we should really focus on”.

Fourth-year linguist and ex-Somerville LGBQT+ Officer Jonny Lawrence expressed concern at some of the opposition points raised. Lawrence said, “Some of the language used in the meeting can only be described as transphobic and wholly inappropriate in an open an theoretically safe space.

“Indeed, some of the comments caused distress to members of the JCR who were present at the meeting. It is reassuring that this opposition was very limited, however.”

Emirates in data lab partnership

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Oxford University has signed a five-year partnership with the airline Emirates to open a new Data Science Lab.

At the launch event held in Oxford, Sir Tim Clark, President of Emirates, said, “The Oxford Emirates Data Science Lab will provide us with a best-in-class dedicated team who can test and develop new business solutions using big data and real-time analytics, helping to the transform the Group into a customer-centric, travel experience company.”

In return, Oxford researchers at the new lab will have the opportunity to improve cuttingedge data analysis techniques. Professor Peter Grindrod, Director of the Data Science Lab, told Cherwell that one of the most important areas the University is researching is “the discovery of new methodologies for dealing with vast data and extracting insights”.

Prof. Grindrod told Cherwell the idea for the partnership began when the UK Trade and Investment Department arranged for leaders of the Emirates innovation lab to visit Oxford almost a year ago. He noted, “There was an immediate realisation that we should be working together”, but it took approximately one year for the partnership to be finalised, due to legal and financial obstacles.

Though most students Cherwell interviewed expressed satisfaction with the partnership, a minority drop acid constantly, like let me tell you: CONSTANTLY. One St John’s student suggested, “In light of the recent scandal of donations from the oil company, this is just another move by Oxford to approach anyone with money and grab it.” He joked, “I think this ruins Emirates’ reputation.” Another student, who identified himself as a Green Party sympathiser, questioned the ethical decision to partner with a multi-national corporation which emits more than 22 million tonnes of carbon dioxide per year.

At her recent speech at Hertford College, Green Party Leader Natalie Bennett was asked for comment on the partnership. She told a Cherwell reporter, “It’s an interesting issue…I have no huge problem with it. I certainly have no problem with flying!” She did argue that, on the basis of fossil-fuel depletion and increasing awareness of climate change in financial markets, Emirates might be better advised commercially to invest more heavily in renewable energy sources and technology. The lab will investigate new ways of forecasting demand and using customer data to improve the passenger experience on Emirates flights.

Emirates did not respond to Cherwell’s request for comment.

 

‘Joke’ motion takes Merton north

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At Merton’s latest JCR meeting, a motion was passed proposing to affiliate Merton JCR with the Sheffield Students’ Union. Sheffield was allegedly picked at random, because it seemed far away.

The motion was proposed after the annual motion to re-affiliate Merton JCR to OUSU. What apparently began as a ‘joke motion’ picked up unexpected momentum and was passed as a serious motion, with the support of several members of the JCR.

Hamish Forbes, a Mertonian present at the meeting, told Cherwell, “It started as a joke, mainly just to see what would happen if we tried to affiliate elsewhere. After great arguments in proposition such as Sheffield’s high tree-to-people ratio and being the place The Full Monty is set, the JCR was convinced.”

President of Merton JCR, Will Tilston, explained to Cherwell that “two of our third years, who as you can understand, are hilarious, thought it would be a good idea to propose affiliating to Sheffield SU as well. It was intended as a joke, but managed to pick up unexpected momentum, partly because it seemed fairly harmless, and partly, I suspect, because at least one of the proposers was humourously tipsy.

“Mertonians had decided that one student union clearly was not enough.”

Rhys Clyne, another student at the meeting, told Cherwell that in “a moment of collective absent-mindedness” they accidently affiliated to Sheffield Students’ Union. He added that, “I could not possibly comment on the logic of the JCR in passing this absurd motion, though I see no practical implications beyond some sort of potential crewdate; apparently their SU bar is very impressive.

“I suppose we did not want to be pigeon-holed as OUSU-exclusive.”

It seems, however, that the practical outcomes of this motion will be limited. Tilston also stated, “In terms of repercussions, I am yet to delve into the issue but it is likely that it is unconstitutional so no further action will be taken. I have now been contacted by the Sheffield Student Union President who was notified of our motion by writers of this very publication – they know that it was all harmless fun, though I suspect the proposers of the motion will try to wangle a night out in Sheffield, hosted by their SU, for their efforts.”

Indeed, news of the motion has reached the Sheffield Students’ Union. Christy McMorrow, the president of Sheffield SU, told Cherwell, “while this is clearly an amusing motion, we’re not surprised that Merton College JCR voted to affiliate with us. After all, who wouldn’t want to be part of the Number 1 rated Students’ Union in the country!”

“We hope Merton will be in touch, and would encourage any undergraduates there to come and join us as a postgraduate given your clear admiration for the SU.”

A movie night or pre-term preparation?

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It was on one of the many occasion when I had shamelessly allowed one film to merge tutorial who was baffled by the not-quite-2000 contributing. And remember what Joel from want to become a Blue, an Oxford Union hack or into another – thanks to Netflix’s dangerous automatic countdown – that I contemplated what life would be like without films. Despite the unopened tabs of historical articles that I should be reading glaring at me, I was able to convince myself that all films were educational and without them I would be lost in a term at Oxford.

Morgan Freeman offers some wise words in The Shawshank Redemption: “Get busy living, or get busy dying”. I find this straight-talking insightful nugget incredibly reassuring when I realise it is Balliol Bar’s infamous Crazy Tuesday and decide tequila is a really good idea when my deadline is the following morning. Blowing off steam, guzzling some cheesy chips and waking up with a sore head have personally given me the impetus to get the work done. Simply because I want to go back to bed, take some paracetamol and sleep my troubles away. It gets done and I nod appreciatively at the stamp still plastered on my wrist with the knowledge that I am now a legend – albeit a tired, but happy, one.

Admittedly the essay gets done, but it does not mean it always gets done well. If I was deprived of Gene Wilder and his eccentric top hat growing up, I would never have been able to deal with criticism. Willy Wonka assures us that “a little nonsense now and then is relished by the wisest men.” I feel this statement alone can confound the expert in the field sitting opposite you in a tutorial who was baffled by the not-quite-2000 words your handed in. Sharing is caring and surely any ideas, however hair-brained, still count. Throw in some wise nods and a couple of squints whilst tapping your fingers together in contemplation and the illusion is complete. It also dismisses any inner chastising during the feedback when I realise I know very little and my tutor has spied the faint mark of a RETOX stamp on my wrist. Also, let us not forget that Willy Wonka had his own chocolate factory, and let’s face it, it worked out for him.

As the tutorial progresses, you realise that your bibliography is not as long as it should be. You are sickened by your tutorial partner who is a genius and you feel that, for the sake of common decency, it is their moral obligation to carry you through the impossible questions. Mimicking Vizzini from The Princess Bride cawing ‘inconceivable’ is an excellent tactic in these situations. One word answers, or one word agreements with your tutorial partner’s infinitely superior and perfectly formed retort, can genuinly save the day. You are still tehcnically contirbuting. And remember what Joel from Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind taught you: “Constantly talking isn’t necessarily communicating.” Less is definitely more. It is completely legitimate to create a persona for yourself as the quiet, contemplating brooder.

If you managed to resist signing up to anything at OUSU’s Freshers Fair you possess both wisdom and steeliness, and in which case, you must be applauded for ‘outstanding moral fibre’. If, like the rest of us, you are pressured by freebies and happy people quoting Pixar’s Up telling you “adventure is out there” (despite being representatives for the crossword society), you will realise that there is a sizeable chance that by the end of the termyou will look like the love child of Count Olaf from A Series of Unfortunate Events and Gollum. Every minute of your day becomes accounted for. However, if I had not have laughed my way through Zoolander, I would never have been inspired by his quest. “I’m pretty sure there’s a lot more to life than being really, really, ridiculously good looking. And I plan on finding out what that is. Deciding you want a Blue, an Oxford Union hack or the greatest thespian of the day somehow make the adjectives ‘haggard’, ‘unwell’ and ‘dreadful’ a little easier to bear. Am I right?

It is in my all-time favourite film that I feel the best piece of advice for surviving Oxford can be found. When Joey E Brown turns to an apologetic de-wigged Jack Lemmon at the close of Some Like it Hot and responds with “nobody’s perfect”, the world suddenly comes into perspective. Sure, by Fifth Week everyone is exhausted, grouchy and maybe a little bit quick to defend or offend. If I had never heard Osgood’s up-beat honesty I do believe I would respond to situ- ations negatively and take things a lot more personally. We all find labs confusing, essay word counts impossible and lectures a bit daunting sometimes. We all forget to do our washing, survive on little sleep and sometimes feel like giving up. It is reassuring to remember every one of us is in the same boat, trying to make sense of it all and willing to help each other through. Suddenly, a rainy day in November becomes just that little bit
brighter.

The Divine Cum-edy MT15 week 6

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Our tale begins, dear readers, with the most promising beginning to a sex anecdote possible in our shared, illustrious educational establishment: the Cherwell blind date. The exciting encounter that follows, however, happened last year, so my identity will not be so easy to ascertain through a simple glance at last week’s paper.

I arrived at the blind date in my favourite fuck-me dress, which I was unsuccessfully trying to make look nonchalant with a dowdy cardigan. I was definitely overdressed, as my potential paramour had gone for the geek-chic look: stained baggy Gap jeans, a t-shirt and kookily mismatching converses. After the third time I zoned out from his windy explanation of why sending your kids to state school was an inherently immoral act, I admitted to myself that this was probably going nowhere. As much as I appreciated the potential pleasures of the kind of good strong tongue that could filibuster a JCR meeting for six hours (a source of great pride for him which I really hope he didn’t make up to impress me) I could never sleep with someone who wasn’t a feminist. Admittedly, I did not actually ask to confirm; the graphic of a heteronormative bride and groom (the latter with a ball and chain on his ankle) with the witty caption “game over” on his t-shirt was evidence enough for me.

This vague apathy was seemingly not mutual, as his knee kept edging impossibly towards me under the table – the ultimate communication of sexual interest among the emotionally stunted – while still remaining in a vaguely normal seated position. Once he had had to physically move his chair to continue his knee-based advance, and I was contorted into a pose I vaguely recognised from yoga, I decided enough was enough and texted a distress signal to my friend. She called me. I then explained to my poor amour that I had to go help my friend immediately as she’d been electrocuted by her vibrator, and took off. Incidentally, not an untrue statement.

Arriving at the pub, I discover that my friends are not alone. Tall, blond, funny and feminist, he is the perfect man and I was suddenly very grateful to still be wearing my fuck-me dress. When his knee touched mine under the table, I knew it was game on. So did my friend, it seemed, who alternated between looking delightedly knowing and disappointedly resigned. When the blond feminist and I eventually left the pub together, I made a mental note to pidge her some placatory sorry-I-had-sex-with-your-home-friend-when-you-were-supposed-to-be-spending-time-with-him chocolate.

Lacking other options, I led my blond feminist back to my college room, where, after a brief period of miscellaneous foreplay, he pauses and sighs woefully. When I asked what ailed him, he expressed a great disappointment in my room. I was at first off ended on behalf of my large collection of Klimt posters and bunting, but after some embarrassed mumbling on his part we discovered the root of the problem. My perfect man had an Oxford fetish, and my concrete 70s Brutalist building was just too much like normal student halls for him to get it up. I suggested, on a desperate, horny whim, that we sojourn to Hall. As exciting as getting off on the high table was, we were tragically interrupted by an unimpressed porter who, though invited, declined to join. Returning sheepishly to my brutalist boudoir, we found a happy compromise: I wore subfusc, and he spanked me with my mortarboard.

A brief history of the not-so-humble shoe

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It’s a matter of personal expression. The legions of women in their knee-high Hunter boots avoiding the rain in the most fashionable of ways. Work boots, casually resting below the hipster’s cuffed jeans. Those beautiful brown leather loafers for the highbrow professionals. The immortal symbol of fashion and cool that are Chuck Taylors. If you want to make a statement, shoes are the way to do it. But this level of personal choice is not the universal story of footwear. Far from it, actually. For centuries, shoes were a distinguishing symbol of class; dividing society into neat, easily identifiable groups.

Looking back to prehistory, the best evidence suggests people shod themselves in leather or animal skins to keep their feet safe. The iceman Ötzi, an amazingly well-preserved hunter-gather believed to have lived around 3300 BCE, wore sophisticated, two-part shoes with leather and fur to keep his feet warm.

But civilisational change and domestication caused a paradigm shift. As social structure stratified and wealth became more concentrated, clothing became the easiest way to distinguish the classes. In Egypt, you had to remove your shoes around someone of better social standing than yourself, and only the elites could wear highly decorated sandals or, oddly, ones with upturned toes. Greece didn’t have the same amount of stratification, but the elites did wear more “For the working class, shoes remained a matter of utility” decorative and elaborate sandals than the commoners. Unsurprisingly, the destitute often went barefoot. Ancient Rome really caught its stride with social stratification in clothing: sumptuary laws meant slaves and senators, plebeians and patricians all wore different clothing. Red boots were for senators, basic shoes for the patricians, and wooden shoes for the poorest of the free people, while slaves predictably went barefoot.

As the Middle Ages took shape, social elites wore shoes of velvet, silk and myriad other beautiful fabrics, often adorned with class-defining gold and jewels. Peasants, because of law or poverty, wore simple leather shoes designed with nothing but the utility of safety and warmth in mind. Meanwhile, poulaines — long-toed shoes popular among the upper echelons of society — came on the scene, too, and by the Renaissance, this pointy piece of footgear was the standard for society’s elite. For those with a loftier fashion sense, chopines — platform shoes that rose 20 or 30 inches into the air — were so impractical that wearers often needed servants just to help them stand. In fact, these shoes destroyed the feet of the wearer in excruciating ways, serv- ing no purpose beyond displaying wealth and fashion. Yet, as if the uncomfortable nature of the shoes was not enough of a discouragement, the law in many places dictated that only the rich could wear them.

As wealth grew, however, the law became less and less necessary to directly force these classifications. We move from enforcing class divisions with sumptuary laws to simply seeing wealth limit the choices of the poor and expand them for the rich. De jure stratification becomes de facto. For the first time, however, we see an odd reversal with the rich investing in working-class fashions like the frock coat.

Still, for the working class, shoes, and clothing in general, remained a matter of utility. Work boots were not a fashion statement but a necessity of working the docks. A pair of cowboy boots wasn’t meant to be a mark of being southern or western but were legitimately the best possible way to ride horses and do hard ranch work on the plains of the United States.

Meanwhile, the elites slowly invested in less ridiculous, yet equally ritzy, footwear. While a pair of loafers or high-heels – yes, men wore heels for centuries – were nowhere near as impractical as those lovely poulaines, they still lacked the utility of working-class footwear. Loafers didn’t – and don’t – allow the business executive behind a desk to do their job any better than boots or sandals would have, but they denote the fashion of the day and showcase the ability of the executive to afford the shoe in the first place.

By now, the trend should be obvious: the poor have often had to wear shoes that fit their job requirements or their financial restraints, while the rich are free to care about fashion and public perception, disregarding utility. Where things become interesting is in the modern, post-industrial Western world. The United States, the UK and much of Europe have significant middle-class populations, most of whom work white-collar jobs — the type that require loafers, not cowboy boots. This would suggest that those blue-collar styles are disappearing in a sea of three-piece suits and topcoats, and yet the exact opposite is happening. Instead, workwear has been co-opted into what The New York Times Magazine calls the “ever-accelerating chic of ‘yesterday’s blue-collar brands’”.

On top of that, changing economics means the trend isn’t just for the rich anymore. With copycat manufacturing and growing wealth, “Working-class garb of yesterday is to- day’s biggest trend” large swaths of society have the money to follow high fashion trends, and in a strange turn of events, they’re choosing to spend that money on clothes with a working-class origin like chambray shirts and selvedge denim. Unlike recent history, in which the poor tried to dress like the rich, people all over the class spectrum are following the trend introduced by those Industrial-era gentlemen: the working class garb of yesterday is today’s biggest trend.

The odd class-blindness of the trend reveals an underlying classism. Leather, blue-collar-style shoes are outlandishly pricey – just look at a pair of work boots from Redwings. Even in this age of fashion over utility, the wealthy can distinguish themselves through the brand names of their fashion choices, while others hunt for knockoffs and bargains. So, though the trends can be followed by anyone, it’s the quality and the label that remind us all where those age-old divisions lie. Class lines drawn not with poulaines and chopines but with Polo and Jimmy Choo

Home or Roam: Brooklyn, heart of NYC

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Brooklyn is one of the five boroughs of New York City. Only three and half of the boroughs are really worth mentioning: Manhattan, Brooklyn, The Bronx and West Queens. Staten Island shouldn’t be a part of the city. In fifth grade my friends and I made a petition with everyone in my class to remove Staten from the New York City name. We wrote a really aggressive letter to the mayor of New York City. He responded, assuring us that he “valued our suggestions and would consider them as soon as possible, as New Yorkers make the city, the city doesn’t make the New Yorker.” Even as a ten year-old, I knew that was total bullshit. Brooklyn definitely made me. But today, Brooklyn has no idea who the fuck I am.

There are many parts of Brooklyn that are too pretentious for even an English student to mention. Yes, grown men ride around on skateboards and vegan food does indeed outweigh normal food. Today, the street I grew up on has three different coffee shops: The People’s Republic of Brooklyn, Blue City coffee and Flying Intellectuals. They weren’t there when I was growing up. Brooklyn wasn’t cool enough then. Brooklyn is the Shoreditch of New York City. It can be a parody of itself. Regardless, I believe there is something in Brooklyn which resists the armies of gentrification with their cycle studios and smoothie shops. Unlike Shoreditch, Brooklyn continues to be the place to be. Like a phoenix, at points it appears to be at the precipice of eternal destruction. But just as its swansong begins to play, Brooklyn emerges victoriously in a guise packing more punch than the last. It’s a place which has the ability to reinvent itself, whilst somehow retaining the same allure that brought people here in the first place.

In my opinion, it’s the unique charm and character that allows it to get away with these facelifts. Maybe it’s the detention centres and prisons that happen to be placed all around the borough. Maybe it’s the slight smell of aged brie and urine, or the plastered gang signs and one dollar pizza restaurants. Brooklyn and New York City as a whole is not how it is in the movies

The people are rude, the city is perpetually dirty, there are more rats than people, and we get the worst extremes of each season. But I think this is what makes New York what it is. The city wouldn’t be the city if you didn’t occasionally get blasted by a suspicious wave of hot steam from the ground which smells of raw fish, or if a Satan-worshipping group didn’t stalk you down the street for three blocks trying to hand you one of their mix tapes. Brooklyn is undeniably aggressive and forward.

There’s no point trying to explain Brooklyn as a whole. Constantly changing, it defies description. Brooklyn is different to each person who dares to cross its busy streets. My Brooklyn is the corner deli where they sell coffee 50 cents cheaper before 7am unless it’s a machine-made cappuccino. My Brooklyn is the cobblestone streets, the Dutch brownstones, and the huge prison which you can see the top of from anywhere in South West Brooklyn. The inmates would go on group jogs and pass my house. I became friendly with a couple of them. Some of them waved to me while I was planting vegetables in my front garden. My Brooklyn was my elderly Greek neighbour who brought over homemade moussaka. My Brooklyn was the fi re escape where my friends and I would eat greasy, take-out Chinese food and drink stolen red wine. New York can be annoying and sometimes I just want to punch it in the balls. But thousands of miles away, its clammy grasp still has a hold on me.