Friday, May 23, 2025
Blog Page 1261

RAG’s 2015 naked calendar goes on sale

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Oxford RAG’s 2015 Naked Calendar is now on sale, with organisers having opted for an ‘action shots’ theme featuring athletes baring all in some of Oxford’s most iconic locations.

This year’s edition, which organisers say contains “risqué and fun photos” and will be a “welcome edition to any bedroom wall”, follows the success of the 2014 Blues Naked Calendar that raised over £5,000. The calendars cost £10, and the money raised will be donated for Oxford Homeless Pathways, KEEN, Against Maria Foundation and 28 Too Many, details of which are available on their website.

Organiser Mel Kamalvand told Cherwell, “We decided to go for ‘action shots’ in fun and recognisable Oxford locations. For example, we shot boxers in the Oxford Union chamber, the lacrosse team in Freuds, powerlifters in the Ashmolean, athletics in the Odeon on George Street and so on, in order to do something a bit fresh and different. That’s what makes this year’s edition special and hopefully really exciting.”

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The calendar was photographed by Jesus’ Liberty King, who admitted, “Taking the first few naked photos was a bit embarrassing, though after a while I got quite into it — I’d definitely be keen to do something like that again!”

Calendars can be bought from OUSU’s events website

"Promising" results in Oxford trials of Hepatitis C vaccine

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A new vaccine developed by researchers at the University of Oxford has generated a strong immune response against the Hepatitis C virus in human volunteers.

The vaccine is the first Hepatitis C inoculation to reach this stage of clinical trials, and the results have been promising. The 15 healthy human volunteers who took part in the phase 1 safety trial all responded positively.

The Oxford University team, with colleagues from the Italian biotechnology company Okairos (now part of the transnational pharmaceutical company GlaxoSmithKline) and Stanford University in the United States of America, have published their results in the journal Science Translational Medicine.

Currently, the efficacy of the vaccine is being tested in a trial with intravenous drug users – a group running a high risk of contracting Hepatitis C – in two sites in the USA. This is aiming to discover if the inoculation offers protection from infection of Hepatitis C in this group, compared with a placebo.

The principle investigator Professor Ellie Barnes, of the Nuffield Department of Medicine at the University of Oxford, said, “The size and breadth of the immune responses seen in the healthy volunteers are unprecedented in magnitude for a hepatitis C vaccine”.

The study was funded by the Medical Research Council and the European Union, with support from the Oxford Martin School at the University of Oxford and the National Institute for Health Research Oxford Biomedical Research Centre.

180 million people world-wide are thought to suffer from Hepatitis C, which is a chronic viral infection. It is estimated that there are 300,000 cases in the United Kingdom. If left untreated, the virus causes liver cirrhosis in 10 – 40% of sufferers, and in some cases this could lead to liver failure and liver cancer.

Nonetheless, in approximately 25% of cases, the immune response elicited by the viral presence in the body of infected individuals is able to overcome the infection, and naturally remove the virus. This mechanism of viral eradication can be targeted by researchers to develop effective treatments against Hepatitis C.

In the past few years, new drugs have been developed which are effective against a number of different strains of hepatitis C. However, these are expensive, and require a prolonged course of treatment.

As second-year Biological Sciences undergraduate Natasha Gillies explained, “An effective vaccine would possibly be a one-time preventative measure to inhibit the spread of the disease. Prevention is better than a cure.”

Agreeing with this sentiment, first-year Biological Sciences graduate Ben Hopkins told Cherwell, “In terms of large scale public health issues, it’s easier to get people vaccinated on a one off system than give people a long course of drugs, which either they might not take, or they may be reluctant to take.”

The research team at the University of Oxford are using two separate vaccine formulations. Firstly, an immune response against the hepatitis C virus is stimulated by the injection. Eight weeks later, a second vaccine boosts the immune response to a suitable level for effectively fighting off future infection.

The researchers found that T cells, a type of white blood cell that is of key importance to the immune system and is at the core of adaptive immunity (the system that tailors the body’s immune response to specific pathogens), are crucial in eradicating the virus from the human body in those 25% of sufferers who are able to naturally clear the infection. The vaccine has consequently been designed to generate a strong T cell immune response.

The level of the T cell response needed to prevent infection is unknown, but the study compares T cell response levels generated with the vaccine to those observed in people naturally able to overthrow the virus. The study found that after the second, booster inoculation, all 15 volunteers had large, broad and sustained T cells responses.

Professor Barnes commented, “The T cell response is really high, and what’s promising is that this is a broad response. A range of different T cells are produced targeting different parts of the hepatitis virus. This is the first highly immunogenic T cell vaccine developed against hepatitis C. We found it to be safe and well tolerated in this group of 15 healthy volunteers. But we won’t really know if it works – if it is able to prevent hepatitis C infection – until we have the results of the efficacy studies in the USA.”

Oxford researchers trial drugs against Ebola

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Clinical trials of an experimental vaccine developed by a research team at Oxford University to protect patients against Ebola are progressing rapidly.

In just over two months, almost 200 people have been given the potential vaccine, in safety trials performed in the UK, the USA, Mali and Switzerland. The first volunteer to receive the vaccine in this trial was Ruth Atkins of Oxfordshire, on the 17th September 2014.

Since Ms Atkins, there have been 20 people at the US National Institutes of Health in Bethesda, Maryland, 80 people at the University of Maryland School of Medicine Centre for Vaccine Development in Mali (a joint venture with the Ministry of Health of Mali), and 34 people at the University Hospital of Lausanne. It is hoped that by December, the number of trialists at the University Hospital of Lausanne will have reached 120.

On Tuesday 18th November, the 60th and last healthy volunteer in a trial carried out by the University of Oxford received the vaccine.

The vaccine is being developed by the transnational pharmaceutical company GlaxoSmithKline (GSK), in partnership with the US National Institutes of Health. The Chief Investigator of the vaccine development is Professor Adrian Hill, at the Jenner Institute at Oxford University.

The aim of the vaccine is to protect people who don’t have Ebola from becoming infected, and is thus a preventative measure to ward against the disease. The vaccine is targeted at the Zaire Ebola Virus species, the strain currently prevalent in West African countries.

If the safety and immunogenicity data from the Phase 1 trials are promising, the vaccine is expected to move into the next phases of study to further evaluate safety as well as effectiveness in protecting against Ebola infection in African countries.

Professor Adrian Hill of the Jenner Institute at Oxford University was pleased with the progress of the vaccine. He told Cherwell, “The safety data here have looked very satisfactory so far. The response we have seen from people coming forward to take part has been remarkable.” No significant adverse effects have been identified in non-human primates in response to the vaccine.

The vaccine itself does not contain any infectious Ebola virus material, so cannot cause a person who has the inoculation to become infected with Ebola. The vaccine uses a single gene from the Ebola Virus to generate an immune response; this gene was initially extracted from a strain of the adenovirus present in chimpanzees.

The clinical trial in Mali, performed by the Centre for Vaccine Development of Mali (CVD-Mali), the CVD of the University of Maryland School of Medicine, and the Malian Ministry of Health, is providing the only clinical and immune response data to date of the vaccine in West African subjects.

The team are comparing this data to the immune responses observed in adults given the vaccine in the UK and Switzerland.

Professor Myron M Levine, director of the Centre for Vaccine Development, said, “This research is a testament to the hard work and cooperation of all the institutions involved. If this vaccine is proven to work, it could help alter the dynamic of this epidemic by interrupting transmission to the health care workers who are most at risk.”

The Oxford trial is being funded by a £2.8 million grant from the Wellcome Trust, the Medical Research Council and the UK Department for International Development. The consortium’s funding is also enabling GSK to begin manufacturing thousands of additional doses of the vaccine so that if Phase 1 trials are successful, the next phases of the clinical trial programme can begin – which will involve the vaccination of frontline healthcare workers in Ebola affected countries.

In addition to the development of the vaccine, a second research group at the University of Oxford are trialling a potential drug against Ebola. This treatment will be trialled next month by the humanitarian group Doctors Without Borders on Ebola sufferers in West African countries undergoing the Ebola epidemic.

The aim of this treatment is to reduce death rates amongst patients who already have the disease, thus boosting survival. The Chief Investigator of this trial is Professor Peter Horby of the Centre for Tropical Medicine and Global Health at Oxford University.

The drug is called brincindofovir and is manufactured by a biotech company called Chimerix in the USA, who developed the drug.

Professor Horby stressed the huge importance of developing resistance to Ebola, with both vaccinations and drugs, commenting, “The Ebola epidemic remains a major public health crisis of unprecedented scale, and urgent action is needed to contain this dreadful menace.”

“Actions are needed on multiple fronts, including early case detection and isolation and treatment, safe and dignified burials, social mobilisation, but also trials of new vaccines and drugs.”

“Conducting clinical trials in the midst of this crisis is extremely challenging, and we are having to develop new ways of working. But there is an imperative to move fast, and there is an enormous effort ongoing to fast-track the evaluation of drugs and vaccines.”

Oxford Academics pressure PM to close Campsfield

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Members of Oxford University’s Amnesty International (OUAI) group signed an open letter to the Prime Minister calling for the release of all detainees and the cancellation of expansion plans at Campsfield House detention centre. The letter has also been signed by nine heads of Oxford Colleges and sixty one senior academics.

Signatories of the letter include Danny Dorling, Halford Mackinder Professor of Geography at St Peter’s College, and Baroness Helena Kennedy QC, Barrister and Principal of Mansfield College.

They joined members of OUAI, Oxford Migrant Solidarity, and the ‘Close Campsfield’ campaign for a demonstration held in Radcliffe Square. Campaigners at the demonstration hung a large banner reading “David Cameron, Close Campsfield down!”

The letter began, “Dear Prime Minister, As current and former senior members of Oxford University, we wish to express our concern over your government’s policy of detaining immigrants. We believe that this policy is contrary to the spirit of democracy, the Human Rights Act, and the United Nations Convention on Refugees. Immigrants should not be detained for administrative reasons alone.

“We certainly do not find it acceptable that they should be detained without trial, without time limit, without proper judicial oversight and with little chance of bail, and thus treated worse than criminals; we understand that some have been detained for many months, even years, before being released or deported.”

The letter continued, “We are greatly concerned about the government’s plans to transform Campsfield House Immigration Removal Centre into a 580-bed mega- centre, making it one of the largest detention centres in Europe. Not only does the UK not need to be expanding its detention estate, but Campsfield House, which was opened over twenty years ago as a small, 180-bed centre, is an inappropriate site for such major expansion. Instead we call for a reversal of this proposed expansion.”

The letter highlighted the case of Canadian Alois Dvorzac (84), who died in hospital soon after being moved from a detention centre where he was held despite suffering from dementia, a heart problem and diabetes, as well as that of the Nigerian asylum seeker Isa Muazu who was forcibly removed to Nigeria despite his lengthy hunger strike and being judged by doctors to be too sick to be detained or deported.

Jo Hynes, Oxford University Amnesty International President, told Cherwell, “The UK detains more migrants, for longer and with less judicial oversight than any other country in Europe, yet the facts are clear: immigration detention doesn’t act as a supposed deterrent to immigration and contravenes basic human rights.”

Commenting on the response to the Campaign to Close Campsfield, she said, “We’ve had an incredible response from both academic staff and students whilst coordinating this letter, with Oxford University Student Union also unanimously passing a motion to call for the closure of Campsfield House.”

Larry Sanders, an Oxfordshire County Councillor for the Green Party, argued, “The strength of the opposition to locking up people who have not even been charged with an offence is very heartening. There is a widespread basic sense of decency in this country. What is not heartening is the cowardice of the leaders of the main parties who are competing to outdo each other and Ukip in getting rid of traditional British defences of human rights. I am very proud that my party, the Green Party has stayed true to its values.

“The recognition that there are times when people need refuge from the oppression of their own countries is a rich result from the horrors of the Second World War. We must not send people to torture and death; we must have a fair and speedy way to look at their situations and we cannot lock them in prisons while we do this.”

Alex Marshall, a member of Oxford Migrant Solidarity, commented, “The detention of people who have committed no crime, or who have completed their sentence, for administrative convenience is an unacceptable breach of the most basic rights. The fact this is happening right under our noses, just a few miles outside Oxford puts the University to shame and I am proud that students, staff and locals have come out against it.”

Responding to the campaign, Home Office spokesman Richard Crow argued, “Immigration removal centres play an important role in our work to remove people who have no right to remain in the UK and it is right that we have adequate facilities in place… Detention is used as a last resort when people will not leave voluntarily or when there is a serious risk they will abscond from bail.”

Calls for Cornmarket Street to be re-opened to buses

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The New Oxford Bus Company Director Phil Southall has called for the popular pedestrianized street Cornmarket Street to be reopened to buses, to avoid traffic chaos during and after the redevelopment of Westgate Centre.

Referring to £400 million plans to create a new, larger shopping centre at Westgate by 2017, Southall argued, “If the Westgate development changes the focus of the city centre to the west, then buses must have good access to the West End.”

It is likely that due to the new development buses will no longer be able to run on Queen Street. However Oxford City Council leader Bob Price was insistent that the Council would strongly oppose the suggestion that Cornmarket should be reopened to bus traffic.

He said, “It [Cornmarket] is simply too congested and heavily used by pedestrians for this to be a sensible course of action.

“From the City Council’s standpoint there is an urgent need for more pedestrianised street in the City centre not fewer!”

Many students were also unhappy with the idea. Fresher Nathan Wragg pointed out, “With buses on Cornmarket there will be a serious risk of people who are in a rush or heading home from a night out getting injured; especially whilst they adjust to the change.”

Khalid Mohsen, a student at Pembroke, likewise highlighted potential safety issues. He told Cherwell, “Not only is it a dangerous change to make to the hub of Oxford where students, school children and local residents go all the time, but from a more logical viewpoint I never use the buses as I travel by foot or bike like lots of my friends, so it doesn’t sound like a change that would directly benefit the student body.”

Meanwhile English student Hannah Congdon commented “It’s one of the few places in Oxford that is free from traffic and bikes and so it would be such a shame to lose it.

“So many people use it on a regular basis that I’m not sure how everyone would be accommodated if buses were to run through it; there’d be people coming off the pavement!”

On the other hand the father of a Pembroke student thought that opening Cornmarket to buses could be a good idea on a temporary basis, having already experienced chaotic traffic in Oxford himself, “While they were doing extensive road works on the ring road I think it would have been fair to temporarily relax transport measures and I expect that the impact of this New Westgate Centre could be similar to those of the current road works.

“Improving traffic access through into and around the city should definitely be considered but they need to be careful if they do reopen Cornmarket to buses as people won’t be used to the traffic. An enforced speed limit could be a good idea.”

Dapper Laughs’ Oxford Tour Date Cancelled

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Following the cancellation of the second series of his ITV show, the online Vine personality ‘Dapper Laughs’ has had his tour cancelled as well. The tour was set to take place from February 2015 in venues across the UK, including the O2 Academy in Oxford.

This comes after a great deal of controversy surrounding his show, “Dapper Laughs: On the Pull”, and Vines, in which he has been accused of condoning sexual violence. His videos contain quotes like “If she cries, she’s just playing hard to get”.

An online petition appeared on Change.org to get Dapper Laughs off the air claiming that due to the show “everyday sexism is being normalised for both young men and women”. The petition reached 68,209 signatures and ITV publically released a statement that it will not be considering the show for a second season.

Academy Music Group, who owns O2 venues around the country, then released the statement stating, “Please be advised Dapper Laughs ‘Full Length Tour’ has been cancelled. Return to point of purchase for a refund.” Since the release of this statement, all the other venues, including The Ritz in Manchester and Cardiff University Students Union have also cancelled their dates.

Furthermore, in a statement to Buzzfeed, AMG said, “In light of the cancellation of the second series of the Dapper Laughs ITV2 show and significant criticism, Dapper Laughs (Daniel O’Reilly) has himself apologised for any offence caused by his material, and we are aware that Dapper Laughs’ brand of comedy may not be to everyone’s taste.”

The Oxford University forum Cuntry Living has been a hub for debate and condemnation of the show and tour. One of the admins, Exeter student Alice Nutting, told Cherwell, “I’m really pleased that Dapper Laughs no longer exists and won’t be coming to Oxford. It’s a fantastic example of how discussion and activism can lead to meaningful change. His entire act was based around the worst kind of sexist ‘banter’ which repeatedly made light of predatory behaviour towards women.”

The triumph of activism has also been noted by the founder of the Mansfield Gender Justice Society, Lauren O’Neill, who argued, “Though Dapper Laughs’ misogyny is completely heinous (I’ve literally seen a video in which he tells a woman that she’s “gagging for rape”) I think on the whole this situation has had something of a useful outcome, in that it really got people thinking about and sharing explicitly feminist ideas, which is hugely positive and progressive.

“I hope that people who had their eyes opened to the sexism which is rife in our society by Dapper Laughs continue to think about and raise awareness on issues concerning not only gendered justice, but also social justice on a broader and more intersectional level, in their everyday lives.”

Dapper Laughs also recently appeared on Newsnight claiming that he was only attempting to “push the boundaries” with his character and that he got “carried away”. He claimed that the persona is now dead. However, many people have responded to this appearance negatively claiming it wasn’t an apology.

One such person, is the writer of the article “Dapper Laughs and his Turtleneck of Shame” on the website Bad Housekeeping, Izzy Kirk, who told Cherwell, “The downfall of Dapper Laughs has been chalked up as another victory for the public voice of feminism, but it is not without opposition, usually fighting under the banner of ‘freedom of speech’. Freedom of speech may protect your right to not be indicted for your opinions, but it doesn’t give you an unassailable right to a platform for those opinions.

She continues, “We didn’t campaign against you because we don’t like you, we campaigned against you because your material encourages hatred of women and that’s not an attitude we should ever tolerate. Cancelling the tour isn’t censorship, it’s a huge step for women’s rights in the UK – it sends out a clear message that nobody’s going to stand for bigoted, offensive, tasteless shit (or terrible, terrible comedy?) and if it means that fewer impressionable people are going to be exposed to Dapper Laughs telling them that misogyny is ok, then I fully support it.”

Awards don’t matter

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It’s that time of year again! Hollywood’s army of pretty-young-things are out in force, hitting up any red carpet or media outlet that will have them. At no other time is the blatant ambition and power politics at the heart of the Hollywood machine so obviously exposed for public consumption. Between November and February, California plays host to nature’s greatest feeding frenzy. Extreme diets, plastic surgery, and a sob story or two are par for the course in the pursuit of gold for the mantelpiece and for the bank account. The only thing missing are the films themselves.

This season’s batch of production-line awards bait includes Benedict Cumberbatch’s stoic The Imitation Game, the Stephen Hawking weepy The Theory of Everything, and Julianne Moore’s dementia-drama Still Alice. There’s little need to familiarise yourself with these films, let alone see them. You’ll be bombarded by them for the next four months. The “names” behind these projects will lecture you about how underrepresented their film’s issue-du- jour is. The phrase “ground-breaking masterpiece” will be bandied about at record speeds. Then March will come around and you’ll never hear from them again. Has anyone watched Dallas Buyer’s Club since Matthew McConaughey and Jared Leto took to the Oscar podium, fulfilling their comeback-kid narratives and thereby ending their film’s relevancy? In the grind of awards season, the film is just the first of the many shiny vehicles that will carry each contender from ceremony to ceremony, and hopefully to the next stage of their careers.

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But what gets these films their moment in the sun? What makes them worthy contenders? Certainly not their quality. In recent memory, widely reviled movies such as Jonny Depp’s The Tourist, Tom Hanks’ Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close, and Kate Winslet’s Labour Day have all been in contention for trophies. The fact is, of the twenty or more ‘serious’ award ceremonies, most are excuses for the organisers to mingle with the stars they’ve nominated. Even the Golden Globes, Hollywood’s second biggest awards show, is judged by a shadowy association comprised of ninety un-noteworthy, SoCal dwelling journalists whose only qualifications are having had four articles published abroad in the past year and a desperate desire to stand next to celebrities.

The Oscars, perhaps, are a little better, with a voting body of over a thousand “Academy Members”, experts in their respective fields. And yet, with the average member being white, male, and, crucially, 63 years old, there’s little room for anything controversial or subversive to break through. Even last year’s frontrunner, 12 Years a Slave, struggled to encourage voters to watch the free DVD screeners, given the harrowing subject matter. Thus the handshaking at parties, on red carpets, and in front of TV crews took over. For 12 Years, Lupita Nyong’o’s elegance and eloquence became the film’s smiling face. The narrative of a talented actress plucked from Kenyan obscurity for the chance to become a “star” was more appealing than the story of institutionalised oppression. And so the campaign eclipsed the film. Read the Oscar-forecast on any film blog — distributors and their past campaigns are more discussed than the film itself. 

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So why do we continue to follow awards season, when its outcome means so little? The answer? We don’t. In our increasingly corporate world, the film studios, television stations, and publishing houses are facets of singular, monolithic overlords. Their all-encompassing control of our media becomes an opportunity for synergistic cross-promotion. Awards mean inflated box office revenues, a dependable celebrity news-cycle, and big, award-hungry stars vying for magazine covers. Then, in the stars’ orbits spin the ancillary businesses — fashion houses, luxury good producers and beauty companies, who pay astronomic fees to have the hot celebrities of the moment flaunt their wares and hawk their products. Thus we, the unwitting viewers, are sucked into the celebrity-industrial-complex, becoming naught but a captive audience in its nefarious revenue-boosting schemes. We’re victims queuing to be sacrificed on the award show’s stage. 

And yet, I can’t wait to meet this season’s It Girl, and to find out what she’s wearing.

Review: The Imitation Game

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★★★★☆
Four stars

“Sometimes, it’s the people who no-one can imagine anything of that do the things no-one can imagine.” This is the bittersweet, repeated mantra of The Imitation Game, Morten Tyldum’s biopic of Alan Turing, whose distance from the rest of society is the source both of great achievement and of tremendous suffering.

The film’s parallel storylines follow the mathematician’s time at boarding school, his employment in the task of breaking the codes set by Germany’s Enigma machine during WWII, his prosecution for homosexuality, and his subsequent decline in the 1950s. Working as the head of a team of code-breakers at the top-secret Bletchley Park, Turing’s contribution to the war effort was momentous, but the injustice dealt to him afterwards was on an equally large scale.

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Turing was fascinated with the concept of whether a computer could think for itself, and the role of machines is integral to the film, with Turing feeling true affection for his creation and even being compared to a machine himself because of his detached and apathetic semblance towards some. However, while it is a machine that ultimately defeats the Enigma, it took the mind of Turing to create this machine, and his humanity, which in many ways eclipses others of his time, eventually shines through when he is the only one to believe that a woman could have solved the puzzle that he set for the purpose of recruiting code-breakers. 

This woman is called Joan Clarke and is portrayed by Keira Knightley, who is effortlessly strong enough to convey the assertion of her character within an incredibly male-dominated world. It is through Joan’s firm yet platonic relationship with Alan that The Imitation Game illustrates its appealing message that abnormality can be a positive and should be celebrated.

The key theme of Graham Moore’s impeccably crafted script is how being forced to keep secrets is fundamentality detrimental to the people who have to. There are secrets between friends, loved ones and co-workers — not to mention those guarded against the enemy — and those working at Bletchley are at times faced with the inhumane predicament of having to withhold information that could have saved citizens in danger in order to save others later. They are not even able to reveal anything of what they did when the war has ended, and the toll of years of lies can latterly be seen in the emaciated face of Turing, whose homosexuality is the most crucial barrier to his own acceptance in society.

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The Imitation Game does not shy away from the time after which this crucial secret did come out, or the unthinkable way in which Turing’s country repaid him for his services. Benedict Cumberbatch’s performance in the lead role, which is towering from start to finish, reaches its pinnacle at this point in the film, with his stark emotion evoking the sad truth of how Alan Turing met his end. 

Elevated by Cumberbatch’s unerring portrayal, the film is equally spot-on in its depiction of the mindset of an era. Not since The King’s Speech has a British film so evocatively captured the passions of a nation at war. In The Imitation Game, archive footage from WWII and subtle touches like the inclusion of an ‘Air Raid Breakfast’ on the menu in a café serve as time-markers, but it is the unity of the population, with men and women working together to do their duty for those out fighting in Europe, that gives the truest sense of the period.

There are a few awkward moments of protracted exposition at the beginning, but Tyldum’s fantastic ability to tell a story soon takes over. There are moments of comedy and of heartfelt jubilation, but the much darker days of the later, unforgivable events in Alan Turing’s life are also treated sensitively, and it is this that raises The Imitation Game from the perfect film for a weekend afternoon to a fitting tribute to a national hero. 

Bexistentialism: MT14 Week 6

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As Fifth Week ends, and I realise I still don’t know the freshers, I decide I should probably do something about it. Mission set, it is time for the approach.

I head to Formal. A group of freshers sit next to us. Midway through our starter I quip admiringly at a fresher, eating mussels using an empty mussel-shell. (No one believes that it’s how one is meant to eat mussels in pretentious spheres. It is. My voice is lost in the clatter of cutlery and insincere revelry.)

I drink. I gnaw at my young-entire-chicken-that-looks-like-a-headless-baby on my plate. Carry on chinking glasses. By coffee all has changed. A fresher on my left speaks to me! We have a conversation. A conversation! I begin to introduce myself, but it seems he already knows me. Oh. I ask how, and am delivered several reasons, ending in a pun quoted from the Merton-Weekly-Gossip-Publication: “Bexual tension”. Dismissing this miserable fate, I confess that I am feeling absent from the fresher ‘scene’. He tells me I have many fans. Wonderful! I think. I have managed to bluff my way into a few minds. But after a few mishearings, and a bout of sarcasm, I am unsure whether I have secured a hesitant friendship, or sealed off all potential with my usual passive-aggressive ceremony.

I leave disheartened, and approach the bar assertively inebriated. I see the fresher who once called me a ‘grumpy bitch’. We are yet to officially meet. I smile. Tell her I like her dress. There is a brief splutter. This might be harder than I thought.

The following night it is bop time. The theme is ‘Under the Sea’. Though my full-body shark costume has made appearances before, finally it is worn with relevance. So I waddle along to the JCR. Soon I am in sarcastic conversation with a fresher who is also dressed as a shark. But their cardboard fins, and board-marker gills, I tell them, are fucking insufficient. Did I do it again? Never have I felt more weighted by the curse of my indelible sarcastic façade.

The next morning, subdued by a tense and Fifth-Week-blues-blemished bop, I realise that my mission has readily evaporated. I open a Fanta with sad flourish and head to Welfare Tea. On the way over I receive a friend request from fellow shark guy. As I scout for more food, for my infinitely-unquenchable-welfare-tea-appetite, ‘Grumpy-Bitch-Accuser’ hands me a potato smiley. A delicate, starchy peace token. I think, just maybe, I achieved something.