As many an Oxonian was preparing for a wild one at Park End last Wednesday, the OICCU (Oxford Inter-Collegiate Christian Union) were setting up for the University-wide Text-a-Toastie, an event which involves texting a question about Christianity in return for an answer and a toastie. There was a run on Tesco as bags upon bags of bread were bought, along with copious amounts of grated cheese, ham, chocolate and bananas (though what would lead you to order a chocolate and banana toastie is still beyond me). Christians from every college were getting ready for a night of cycling between student houses, running up and down lots of stairs and trying to avoid setting off the fire alarms.

Much loved amongst the student population, for whom free food is an enticing prospect for absolutely anything, the Text-a-Toastie event sees toasties distributed to students wherever they are, be it having an essay crisis in the library, pre-drinking in their room or just around college and feeling a bit peckish. It’s also, though, an opportunity to ask some of those questions about Christianity that you’ve always wanted to, but that on the surface seemed a bit silly or pedantic to bring up in a super-serious chapel service. Be that a simple “What do you actually do at church?” or a hot topic question on contemporary society, my favourite being “Could Jesus come back as a woman?”, it will be answered by a Christian in the vicinity. They aren’t looking to get into an argument or a fight about whose beliefs are more valid or right; they merely want to get people thinking about important issues, and to show people what it is that makes Christians live differently. With Christianity a big part of our country’s history, it is surprising how little the average Oxford student knows about the God that Christians worship, and so part of the evening is about dispelling myths and showing the relevance of faith to student life.

From the whole evening, a couple of questions spring to mind. “If God were a biscuit, what kind would he be?” always pops up, as well as the classic “Could God make a boulder so heavy he couldn’t lift it?” There were, though, some great discussions on grace, creation and whether Jesus’ treatment of prostitutes and women in general makes him one of the first feminists. A particularly bizarre moment of the evening was an order for a cheese and chocolate flavour toastie from a group of pre-drinkers; I didn’t pluck up the courage to try it myself, but it seemed to go down alright with them.

As we’ve come to the end of Love Like This, a week full of talks about Jesus, there are probably still questions going through the minds of us all. What with the stressful and busy nature of work, extra-curricular activities and managing to keep up a semi-functional social life, it can be only too easy to be apathetic beyond that. It doesn’t often cross our minds, if we have no particular faith, to wonder where we come from, where we’re going and what on earth we’re actually doing here. But I would encourage you, like in Text-a-Toastie, through enjoying (or perhaps for some of us, enduring) your subject, spending time with your friends and just doing whatever you love you do, to consider that maybe, just maybe, there might be something more. What will you be asking next time Text-a-Toastie comes around? After all, ask and the answer will be given to you.

Recently celebrating the release of her first feature length film, Powder Room, MJ Delaney is a rising director to keep your eye on.

Since breaking into film making via a surprise YouTube hit in 2010, Delaney has made short featues for Vivienne Westwood, Comic Relief and The Observer, and won multiple awards for her advertising campaign for Aldi featuring a gin-swilling granny. I spoke toDelaney about her work, the position of women in the film industry and the future of British cinema.

Delaney’s big break into directing came when her video ‘Newport State of Mind’, a parody of Jay-Z’s ‘Empire State of Mind’ set in the Welsh town, became a YouTube sensation in 2010. “Social media is one of the many ways you can get into film making. I’m quite lucky that I’m part of a generation that has the ability to make better quality stuff at home and share so much on platforms such as YouTube. You can find an audience for your work and it opens up the playing field a bit.” 

Delaney has an eclectic range of cinematic influences: “Growing up I loved Bugsy Malone. Wes Anderson is one of my favourite film makers, as well as the Coen brothers. Pedro Almodóvar is an inspiration too. A real mix of stuff really.”

What other films is she currently raving about? “I haven’t seen Her yet, and that’s supposed to be amazing. I really liked American Hustle. And Gravity – the whole cinematicexperience was pretty incredible!”

Delaney graduated from Pembroke in 2007, but whilst at university, a career in filmmaking was far from her mind. “I didn’t pursue an interest in film making whilst at Oxford at all! I didn’t really know what I wanted to do while I was at university.

“I studied English and I did my final paper on art – kind of a sign that I wanted to move into the visual arts rather than towards literature so much. So I sort of fell into film making by accident. At the time it wasn’t something I imagined myself doing.”

With awards season in full swing, the issue of the under-representation of women in all awards categories apart from acting rears its head again. As a young female director on the rise, Delaney has plenty to say about women in film. “I don’t know why there are so few women behind the camera, I think it’s very sad. It’s a shame that you get a lot of press about women having a ‘moment’ in cinema, and you think, well women actually make up half of the world population.

“It’s hard to believe that it’s 2014 and you still get these comments. I think with my film, Powder Room, and TV shows like Girls, and then Bridesmaids as well, it opens up the conversation about women and comedy. Women can be funny. Despite the media focus on this ‘moment’ for women, it’s actually getting worse when you actually look at the number of women in film making.

“On a personal level, it’s a bit of a grumble for me. It means that if you are one of the few women working in the industry it makes you stand out – it makes you memorable but the culture behind it is annoying.”

MJ’s first feature length film, Powder Room, is a comedy drama which takes place largely in the ladies’ loo of a nightclub with a predominantly female cast. Was the idea of a story told frankly from the female perspective what mainly attracted her to the project?

“To be honest, it was just really funny! I read the script and I thought it was just hilarious and really well written. I got on really well with Rachel [Hirons], the writer, pretty quickly. I thought it was a very honest and well-written in the terms of the way the characters spoke and the experiences they had – it was very relatable.

“I also liked the celebration of female friendship, which is not something you see very often in cinema – I felt it was breaking new ground in that sense.”

The film’s cast features a host of young British acting talent, including Jaime Winstone and Sheridan Smith. As a young director just starting out in the industry, Delaney gives her perspective on the current state of British cinema.

“I think it has suffered a bit at the hands of the Film Council, especially in terms of the kind of films that are getting made. You look at some of the films made 10 years ago and you wonder whether, with the current state of the film industry, they would get made today. But there are always a lot of creative and enthusiastic young people coming through and I’m sure we’ll find new and
innovative ways to make these kinds of films on a smaller budget and to get them through to the actual distribution stage.

“It’s very hard to get distributed and take on the big, power-house Hollywood movies. They get all the cinema tickets sold, but then they also have all the funding in the first place. But when it comes to more diverse films where do you then go for funding for distribution?

“Both ends of the spectrum are so far apart now and the gap’s widening. But I do think it’s interesting what Netflix is doing with multi-national online releases, and also crowdsourcing. On demand cinema is also a cool way of offering a more diverse range of films. There has to be opportunities for innovation – or at least you would hope so.”

For those considering going into film making, Delaney has a few words of advice to offer: “Just work as much as you can. There a lot of facilities available now to enable you to do that, as long as you’re self-motivated and prepared to work independently. Keep putting your stuff out there and each film will get better.”

Powder Room is released on DVD from 31st March 2014

Woe befalls the sex columnist who has no sex. My vast dry spell stretches as far as my thirsty eye can see – but I refuse to wilt. And why should I, why should anyone, when an infinitely compliant and dextrous fuck buddy lives only a few inches away from our genitals? Two of them, in fact. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, this week’s Creaming Spires is a ballad to the Wank. You must forgive my failure to produce a unisex wankccount; I write only about what I know, so bean-centric this week must be.

When we can’t persuade another soul to butter our muffins for us (or, complacent and weary, cannot be bothered to even try), we can thank God, Vishnu, or Ann Summers for endowing us with the capability to traverse fleshy echelons of passion solo.

Some of us, ahem, are startled when we remember how short we were when we started giving thanks. It was all rather innocent then; a group of giggling girls delightedly pushing the buttons on their newfound consoles. The right pressure would deliver the coveted ‘nicey nicey feelgood’.

I can’t remember when this sensation first blushed an explicitly carnal red. But me and my bean have had a heck of a journey since. Puberty was me and my right hand’s honeymoon. Whenever, wherever, we couldn’t keep ourselves from touching each other. Fits of frustration led to swift stolen minutes, strangled secret meetings in darkened corners, unfamiliar bathrooms and, on one desperately tedious geography field trip, a hedge.

Honeymoons have to end and so does the pubescent libido. My hand isn’t my Romeo anymore, but we enjoy the pleasant shuffling companionship of an old marriage. Our affections might wax and wane with the cycle of my love-life (as well as the menstrual), but we draw ever so close, ever more often, during months like these lonely few past. I wonder, though, if Mr Solitude and I could use some va-va-vroom?

It’s not that we’re bored, but he does get tired. He’s got big gloves to fill, as my sexuality blooms into a more complex, fussier, beast. Some plastic veins, a titillating rabbit? Excuse me…

‘You know the rules, let’s get started…’

Freddy gulps hard, like a thirsty dog.

He still can’t quite believe the last week. Sex with Bernadette seems to have expunged him of the desire for her, which had gripped him since that sweaty night in Babylove. Exorcising his Benenden demon – though it took a monumental and Shakespearean comedown from the coke to do so – has left in a state of bliss.

And then, two days later, he gets the call that he’s been drafted into the Judas College University Challenge team, because one of the team members was hit by a bicycle and has ungainly tyre marks on her face. It’s Freddy’s time to shine.

So here he is, under the blinding lights of MediaCity Salford, sitting across from none other than Jeremy Fucking Paxman. Anyone who ever doubted that he was going to do great things with his life can suck a dick- Freddy has arrived.

‘Which author, born in 1897, was responsible for works including 1936’s First Term at Malory Towers…’

BAM! Freddy hits his buzzer and his name is shouted around the studio.

‘Enid Blyton,’ he says, confidently. Paxman confirms this and there’s a smattering of applause. He remembers when Bernadette read a passage to him. It was her favourite book from childhood… 

‘Which London road is the site of the headquarters of Channel 4?’

BAM – Freddy – ‘Horseferry Road!’

Correct, of course, it’s Bernadette’s surname after all…

He managed to go through most of the quiz without another Slumdog Millionaire moment. Judas College have moved into a comfortable lead, which means he can slack off a little and his mind starts to wander to images of Bernadette’s bedroom interior. ‘Hadn’t I exorcised you a moment ago?’ he thinks to himself.

With the clock almost ticked away, and Judas all but home and dry, Freddy returns to full-consciousness in order to try and assist the team over the line.

‘Portrayed on television by Melissa Rauch, which sitcom character married her aerospace engineer boyfriend before he launched off for the International Space Station?’

Freddy’s hand hits his buzzer before he has time to compute the cosmic significance of the answer he’s about to give: ‘Bernadette!’

Correct! Of course it’s correct! After all this time he’s spent thinking and worrying and exorcising, Bernadette has been the correct thing all along. His eyes begin to well up with tears. I must get her back, he thinks; I must be a better boyfriend to her.

‘And at the gong it’s Judas College Oxford 260, Teesside University 145. It all seems to have been too much for Judas, as one of the team is actually crying…’