Thursday, April 24, 2025
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Sides of the Story – The Queen’s Speech

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Facts of the matter

So it’s that time of year again when Busy Lizzie wanders into Parliament to inform us of her Government’s plans for the next year. This being Britain, there’s an appropriate amount of pomp and ceremony for the sake of tradition and tourism – think of it like Matriculation, but sunnier.

There’s crowns being carried round on cushions, a man called Black Rod (which is hilarious) having the doors to the Commons shut in his face, and Nick Clegg looking mournful at the destruction of his political credibility. All this is, of course, normal in Parliament.

The headline act was the economy: banking reform, a green investment bank, and cutting of regulations to aid competition. David Cameron called it “a speech to rebuild Britain”, Ed Milliband called it a “no hope” speech, and Nick Clegg didn’t say much that anyone noticed. Clegg’s last big policy – reform of the House of Lords – made it in as the 13th bill to be announced. Also sneaking in near the end were reforms of defamation law, pensions and the water industry, and a bill allowing the limited use of closed courts for trials with national security implications. Not included were discussions about gay marriage, private funding for universities, or regulation of lobbyists. Stirring stuff.

Laugh-a-minute

A fantastic week for columnists, with correspondingly numerous points of view presented. Upsettingly for those of us hunting the ridiculous, many were startlingly sensible. The ever-glorious Daily Mail, however, duly provided in an hour of need with Quentin Letts’ frankly bizarre piece. Headlined “Queen’s Speech: Philip maintained a terrific, garden tortoise grimace as he listened”, he starts by questioning who was more tired out of the Queen and her Consort (they are both well over 80, poor dears), and wanders rapidly off into incoherence from there. It reads much like the drunken essay you thought was daring and witty until, reading it the next morning, you realise is barely comprehensible.

Voice(s) of reason

With Lords’ reform, a listless Coalition and the non-appearance of gay marriage dominating the media – especially given the incumbents’ hammering in the polls last week – the BBC’s James Landale provides a neat bit of perspective. “Queen’s Speeches take time. They are the product of a lot of negotiation within Whitehall. And they get signed off many days in advance.” In no way is this speech a reaction to the recent election results. Similarly, this week is just the start. “The Queen’s Speech is a mere skirmish compared to the combat to come’.

Which is a prim BBC way of saying that this long, bizarre ceremony has next to no influence on whatever last-minute reforms the government will actually throw into Parliament. I’d always assumed the monarchy wanted to remain in government, but seeing the Queen get drawn into the drudgery of parliamentary politics, I wonder whether they even care.

Interview: His Excellency Abdullahi Al Azreg

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Defending the interests and reputation of Sudan is no easy task. In fact, one is hard pressed to think of a country with a worse reputation. For much of my lifetime, the evening news has been peppered with reports of atrocities in Darfur, where at least 200,000 people have died since 2003. Further south, a civil war raged for more than twenty years, from 1983 until 2005, claiming the lives of over two million people. In front of this backdrop, the Sudanese President, Omar al-Bashir, struggles to maintain diplomatic integrity as he globe trots carefully around the world. He treads carefully for fear of arrest by the International Criminal Court, who issued a historic arrest warrant for him in 2008 for war crimes and crimes against humanity in Darfur.

And yet His Excellency Abdullahi Al Azreg was pulling off a remarkable feat. I had come to the embassy armed with tough questions for a government the Bush administration had accused of genocide in Darfur, but within minutes of arriving in his palatial office, we were laughing over Sudanese coffee. He had charmed me with embarrassing ease. In fact, I even found myself partially buying into the idea that the Sudanese government is an easy villain in a region filled with victims. Placing blame on the Sudanese government is not only easy, but soothing too, and goes some way towards helping people make sense of the horror which has swept the country in recent decades. The very premise on which this interview was granted was the idea that Sudan had been victimised by the western press. I promised the ambassador an open mind.

If the media coverage was indeed distorting the truth, I asked the ambassador to justify the on-going rule of President al-Bashir, whose alleged involvement in war crimes in Darfur continues to keep Sudan at the forefront of the Western news media. Just last week, the President of Malawi has said the Sudanese President will not be welcome to attend the upcoming African Union summit in July. ‘His indictment is politically motivated, biased and totally wrong.’ Politically motivated, I assumed, by the US, who are seemingly the source of all of Sudan’s troubles. ‘In the West, when the US kills civilians intentionally it is collateral damage. When the Sudan does this accidentally, it is a war crime. Where is the fairness?’ The Sudanese people, he claims, are tired of the inconsistencies in America’s foreign policy and are firmly backing their leader. ‘The population of Sudan is about 32m people, of whom 33m are politicians. They are highly enlightened, highly politicised they know what is going on. I do not think that many people would vote for the President if they were not satisfied.’

But not all Sudanese are convinced by their President, and just last week opposition journalist Faisal Mohamed Saleh was arrested in his home. When I bring it up with the Ambassador, it seems to touch a nerve: ‘What you are saying is implying we have no respect for human rights, it is not true. In every country if a journalist is violating the law, then you must arrest him.’ He goes on to make a comparison with Britain’s own media woes. ‘Here, these days, you have Murdoch and News International who are suffering by being grilled by an inquiry. Mohamed Saleh has been asked to report before an inquiry, that doesn’t mean prosecution.’ But just because the arrest is lawful does not make it right and a democracy relies on open dissent. ‘Democracy does not mean that you allow me to say anything I like. Democracy does not allow for libel and slander. Slanderers will be punished. It is quite normal.’

The press may not be free in Sudan, but the US seems to think that terrorists certainly are. It holds the dubious honour of being one of only four countries to feature in the US State Department’s ‘State Sponsors of Terrorism’ list and even hosted Osama Bin Laden from 1992-96. But it is undermined by the presence of Cuba, which makes it read more like a list of countries who fail to submit to US hegemony than anything else. But the perception of Sudan as the home of all evil is kept alive in the US at least in part by George Clooney, who in recent years has taken on the role of chief activist for the various conflicts in the country. ‘He is not defending the Sudanese, he would just like to put a human face to his fame.’ I am not sure I quite buy the idea that Clooney needs more fame, though the participation of celebrities is often said to have extended the conflict in Darfur, by giving false hope to rebel groups that American and international military support was on its way. By holding out, the rebels only extended the war and caused greater suffering. But I am pretty sure Clooney is not a Zionist, whereas the Ambassador claimed, ‘He is working under the Zionist organisations that have their own agenda which is not at all in line with western values. Have you ever heard George Clooney talking about the killing going on in Gaza?’ Israel remains a perfect bogeyman for the Khartoum regime, who use the common enemy to bring them closer with their Arab allies and deflect criticism of their own domestic policies.

Needless to say, relations with the West are strained, but Sudan has simply looked the other way. China has welcomed the Sudan with open arms and now represents Sudan’s biggest trading partner, holding a 40% stake in Sudanese oil projects. The relationship is seen as a model for Chinese relations with the developing world, one based on trade and the extracting of natural resources with a very limited political agenda. I ask the ambassador about how dealing with China is different from dealing with the West. ‘China has no strings attached to their trades. They don’t intimidate. They don’t tell you do this or we’ll do this and this.’ By pursuing this ‘no strings attached’ strategy, China has been able to rapidly expand its investments in Africa and develop infrastructure across the continent. But what Sudan really enjoys about its relationship with China is that ‘they show a lot of respect for Sudan and deal with us as equals’. But the obvious question here is equality for whom, exactly? While they may treat the government officials with whom they meet in much the same manner as one from back home, by turning a blind eye to poor governance, they are failing to show equal consideration for Sudanese citizens at large.

What makes Sudan so fascinating is that it is a microcosm of geopolitics today. It is the venue for a power struggle between China and the West, and two different foreign policy doctrines. While Sudan has at times brought out the best of western liberalism, where it stands up for universal rights and ideals through peaceful institutions such as the UN and the ICC, it has also shown us the backlash that can arise from getting too carried away with moral superiority. With another round of Sudanese coffee, the ambassador imparts a final gem of wisdom. ‘There are civilisations which are older than the western civilisation. And they have legacies that they are proud of.’ If the West wants Sudan to toe the line, it has its work cut out.

No Minister – Doing God

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Tony Blair this week revealed how as Prime Minister he wanted to sign off a speech with ‘God bless Britain’, only back down in the face of disapproving civil servants and aides. Indeed one can imagine Alastair’s Campbell’s reaction when he read the draft speech. It’s ironic that the government which ‘doesn’t do God’ was led by the most religious Premier in a generation.  

That aside, it’s worth exploring why the words ‘God bless Britain’ taste so bitter. We number among the most irreligious societies on earth; perhaps the idea that our good fortune as a nation depends on a transcendental deity seems faintly preposterous. America, from which Blair took so much of his inspiration, is a different matter; there a public confession of faith is a pre-requisite, not a barrier, to high office. But this side of the Atlantic, politicians selling God is tacky, even slightly vulgar. It’s just that proselytising politicians are a bit spooky. There’s something about summoning heavenly powers and conferring blessings that smacks as odd.

Not that we’re country of militant atheists – most of us are ambivalent towards religion’s theological claims but still identify with the cultural tenets of a faith. David Cameron’s speech at Christ Church last year tapped into this. Biblical values he told us – presumably excluding the genocidal, homicidal and infanticidal ones – should fill the moral vacuum left by the summer’s riots. We remain a ‘Christian country’. The sad fact for British humanists is that he’s probably right.

Of course God is part of our national vocabulary. We’re happy for him to save the Queen, for instance. Perhaps that’s why American Presidents – the head of state – get away with it. Prime Ministers don’t possess the gravitas to make reverential allusions to the transcendental. Heads of State do. The historical significance of a divinely ordained monarchy still pervades our national consciousness. Similarly, the President embodies a nation born of divine providence. All myths, naturally – but for us to believe something as silly as God blessing Britain, they are myths we’re obliged to believe.  

TV Hit of the Week: Grandma’s House

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What did Simon Amstell do when he left Never Mind the Buzzcocks? He went and lived with his grandma, he searched for something more meaningful to do with his life and he came up with Grandma’s House.

Now in its second series, the sitcom is better than ever. It is dry without being sarcastic and kooky without being The Mighty Boosh. Admittedly, there is little in the way of story line: Simon is attempting to become an actor, his mum is trying to fight off the advances of on-off squeeze Clive and his grandma is stealing stuffed animals from her friends.

The characterization, however, is truly excellent; bizarre without becoming too ridiculous. Leading the pack in terms of star quality is Simon’s Auntie Liz. All mustache, facial contortions and croaky voice, she spends most of every episode in a bad-tempered tizz. Then there is Clive, the recovering alcoholic, who speaks exclusively in cliches. Attempting to apologise to Simon’s Mum for ‘getting off’ with her sister Liz (!) he grovels, ‘I know we can’t put the toothpaste back in the tube but I don’t just want to throw in the towel. It was a bad call, I zigged when I should have zagged’. Whilst being brilliant, Grandma’s House is also a stressful and somewhat painful viewing experience: every time Liz screams for her son, “ADAAAAM!” you find yourself flinching, Grandma’s constant hysterical fussing is beyond irritating and sometimes you just want to slap self-centered and useless Simon.

The show is, however, peppered with the acerbic Amstell wit that has been sorely missing from our screens; can you think of any better way to celebrate Simon’s mum’s birthday than by playing sushi-based board game ‘Wasabi’ (actually a real game!) with a male stripper? Nah, neither can I.

Forgiving the Unforgiven

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For England, there is Shakespeare; for Italy, Michelangelo; for France, Voltaire. America has John Wayne. From Manifest Destiny to the Wild West shows of Buffalo Bill, the idea of ‘the Wild West’ – that vast, romantic frontier wilderness civilised by the lonely pioneers – is central to American identity, and, appropriately, Westerns were among the first movies made.

Yet, beyond their political and cultural importance for America, Westerns at their peak resonated with an international audience. Their central figures – the lone wanderer riding into town to drive away local villains; the moral out- law pitted against corrupt authority; the settlers struggling against hardship to establish a home on the frontier – evoke old traditions of the knight-errant of Arthurian romances, and reconcile the opposing values of individualism and the importance of community and family.

Nowhere is this better expressed than in the famous closing image of The Searchers (1956), in which Ethan Edwards, who has searched for years to return the kidnapped Debbie to her family, stands alone in the closing doorway of their house, isolated from the community he has fought to protect. In the eyes of John Ford, the Wild West was a place of elemental, mythic struggle, where human strength and determination were heroically exposed.

An effort was made to revise Ford’s vision of the Old West as early as the Westerns of Anthony Mann, but it was not until the 1960s that filmmakers truly found new meaning in the old genre. The ‘Spaghetti Westerns’ of Sergio Leone are perhaps most famous for achieving this. In the Dollars series and in his masterpiece Once Upon a Time in the West (1968), Leone reimagined the frontier as a violent, lawless, amoral purgatory, in which Clint Eastwood’s Man with No Name could just as easily be murderer as saviour – and sometimes both. Yet these films, just as much as those of Ford and Hawks, created their own mythology, infused with a sort of violent and anti-heroic heroism, so that Eastwood himself returned to recast the Man with No Name as the melancholic old gunslinger William Munny in his magnificent Unforgiven (1992).

Unforgiven may have been a sardonic commentary on the operatic brutality of Leone’s films, but a far more obvious forebear was the revisionist canon of Sam Peckinpah, whose best films created a world of profound cruelty and ambiguity closer than anything else to the reality of the Old West. Although butchered by MGM and seldom seen today in its true form, his elegiac Pat Garrett and Billy the Kid (1973) is one of the greatest Westerns ever produced. Like Robert Altman’s McCabe & Mrs. Miller (1971), it is as near as one can get to poetry on film. These are works of incredible beauty, featuring memorable set-pieces (Slim Pickens’s riverside death, Garrett’s vigil beside Billy’s body, McCabe’s showdown with the three gunslingers) which can be almost unbearably moving.

The comparative unpopularity of Westerns today is unfortunate. Although The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford (2007) and True Grit (2010) are important films, much work in the genre, most obviously Cowboys & Aliens (2011), seems lazily derivative. Western themes are clearly visible in many contemporary-set films such as No Country for Old Men (2007), The Three Burials of Melquiades Estrada (2005), and Wendy and Lucy (2008), but the best Westerns have not been widely popular. Even a decidedly mainstream piece like the Mann-esque 3:10 to Yuma (2007) garnered only mediocre profit.

Perhaps the Western is lying dormant until it can once again be mythologically reimagined. It is certainly hard to believe that Westerns will not be popularly reinvigorated once more; after all, the great truth of the Westerns is also the great truth of cinema – ‘When the legend becomes fact, print the legend’.

Review: The Raid

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It’s pretty hard to get me excited about an action movie. In fact, I’ve been described by many connoisseurs of this genre as extremely hard to please. So it was to my shock and slight horror that I left the cinema after watching The Raid: Redmption having found a new favourite film of 2012.

Directed by University of Glamorgan graduate Gareth Evans, The Raid follows an elite team of Indonesian SWAT policemen who have been tasked with taking down a villainous druglord encamped in an enormous, impregnable tower block. What seems like a fairly routine job soon turns sinister, when the team become trapped within the tower along with a company of psychopathic (and martial arts proficient) renegades. Cue lots of punching, shooting and slicing.

I’ve previously found films like Marvel Avengers Assemble and Transformers 3 to have so much hitting and exploding that it’s impossible to connect with the characters, but The Raid has no such problem. Yes, the characters spend a tremendous amount of time striking one another, but it’s done with so much glee and such stylish choreography that it continues to be exciting long after the sight of two robots knocking seven bells out of one another would’ve bored the pants off me.

The Raid is a bold new spin on the martial arts action movie. At its heart is the question of trust, both social and fraternal, and that fundamentally sweet core is what raises the film above its contemporaries and into the esteemed pantheon of action movies that didn’t make me want to puke.

Films on Friday #4 ‘Pidge Post’

Pidge Post was produced by Gen Marciniak and directed by Emma Hall with Rachel Bellman. To find out more about the LFPS and to see more of their work, take a look at their website: www.impthelfps.co.uk   (http://users.ox.ac.uk/~linc2943/index.html

Singing to the tune of…

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In The Pink

Vaguely agreeing to live next door to Miranda (now president of In The Pink) when confused by the balloting system in my naïve fresher days may have been a mistake. However, in return for spending a week in the life of In the Pink, she has agreed to ‘reign herself in’ and limit her plays of her own YouTube channel at top volume.

The opening day of this social experiment involved a lengthy CD recording to past midnight: not what I had in mind when Miranda said I could “spend an evening” with the girls.  Although my loud walking received a critical reception from expert Suzie (apparently I was ruining the recordings), they laid down track after track, overcoming the inconvenience of my presence. Sadly my offers of a post-recording nightcap were refused.

Day two and the girls were busy receiving a stash order. I was lucky enough to catch a glimpse of the new fluorescent pink hoodies before they are revealed to the public at their weekly Saturday busking. The complicated assembly of their promotional materials and flyers proved too much for me, so, still smarting from last night’s rejection, I thought I’d play it cool and withdraw.

Day three was again a flurry of organisation as the girls added the finishing touches to their trip to Berlin. As I nursed my post-Camera hangover, I was baffled to find that Miranda had been up since the ungodly hour of 8am churning out a 5-page itinerary for their upcoming trip to Berlin. The excited shriek of Musical Director Becca Nicholls soon reverberated through the walls, having not seen her partner in crime since their last business meeting over a Hassan’s kebab the night before. Curious to hear a man’s voice emanating from her room, I burst in to find a Skype conference call with a gruff 50 year old man named Horst, going over their collaboration with the interestingly named German group ‘Popkon’ and an intricate lighting plan for the festival.

The day before the Union Ball gig saw a busy rehearsal where the girls polished off their set. Choreography was perfected, though for some reason my input was ignored. However, such concentration quickly descended into madness as social secretary Clare ‘good at what she does’ Joyce revealed that she had bagged a crew date the following week with the fabled Out of the Blue. Following on from a rather successful At Thai with the medic gentlemen from the Ultrasounds (I didn’t ask for details), the girls seemed overjoyed at the prospect of training their sights on new prey.

Friday was the day of In the Pink’s performance at the Union ‘Alice in Wonderland’ Ball. The performance went down well with high levels of poise and professionalism from the girls – a far cry from the ‘banter’ of Thursday’s rehearsal.

Today saw me being wheeled out into the open, accompanying the girls on their new weekly initiative of busking on Cornmarket Street. Surrounded by violent shades of pink in both their attire and the flyers they were thrusting on unsuspecting tourists, they did their best to out-sing a cacophony of noise, largely from a 30-strong military drumming band. Despite a few problems with relative volume, they won the ‘tweens’ over with their passionate rendition of One Direction’s ‘What Makes You Beautiful,’ including Camilla Draycott’s lively cries of ‘Come on! Sing along! Get involved!’ This was followed by skipper Miranda’s valiant attempts to woo the school-boy crowd with a charming rendition of Take That’s ‘Never Forget’, reminding all that soon ‘this will be someone else’s dream’. Powerful stuff. After inspiring legions of tourists wandering around Oxford, they decamped to Regent’s Park to prepare their sets for their imminent summer concert and trip to Berlin.

It’s been a busy week in the life of In the Pink. The last day of my exhausting initiation was more relaxed – the group were planning their trip to Edinburgh Fringe Festival, so I was swatted out of another ‘business meeting’ when I tried offering input for their poster design and huge online database. Although the week began with reluctance on my part, enjoying their interesting and diverse range of music and seeing how hard they work has led me to buy a ticket for their summer concert, this time without a group member breathing down my neck! Good luck with the future galz.

In the Pink are singing at their Summer Concert on Monday of 5th week (May 21st), 6:30pm at Wadham Moser Theatre.


Out Of The Blue


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 Image: Alex Beckett

Never has the phrase ‘work hard, play hard’ been better utilised than in describing OOTB’s rehearsal ethic. For two hours, three nights every week, an unsuspecting college room or chapel becomes the scene of what can only be described as organised chaos, as Musical Director Nick Barstow navigates the general banter of the 15-strong group to ensure that they maintain the high standards we have all come to know and love.

Functioning as a democracy, positions of responsibility and solos are all voted for by the group members themselves.  I arrive at the rehearsal just in time to hear the final round of auditions for the solo of one of their newest arrangements and am then treated to an insight into their choreography preparations.  Many hip thrusts and iconic OOTB ‘points’ later, the boys wind up and head to the JCR bar for a quick nightcap.

Like everyone in Oxford who hasn’t been living under a rock during their degree I have seen OOTB in some form or another, whether it be busking on Cornmarket Street, performing at Edinburgh Fringe Festival or stealing the show on ITV’s Britain’s Got Talent in 2011. Each time I am struck by the group’s overriding sense of fun.  I had hoped that my week with the group would uncover something juicy – that they all secretly hate each other. Sadly I have to report back that this is not the case. The camaraderie between the boys is endearing and often full of joy. Such regular rehearsals and frequent performances bond the group for life and – while I’m sure that there must be the occasional disputes – their mutual love for singing and performing ensures that the guys are all best friends.

When I next meet with OOTB it is with the smaller executive committee, to discuss forthcoming engagements. Admin takes up a large amount of time – the president spends an average of three hours every morning replying to emails about gig enquiries and fan mail.

The group tours America every Easter and has enjoyed a sell-out run at the Edinburgh Festival Fringe for the last five years, and this year seems to be even bigger and better.  Since appearing on Britain’s Got Talent last summer OOTB have performed at all manner of events, ranging from birthday parties, private dinners and weddings to a large-scale public concert in London, a tour of LA and San Francisco and even a personal performance at the request of the Prime Minister.  They won the accolade of ‘Best Overall Performance’ at this year’s Voice Festival UK, and this year have become available for purchase on iTunes.  Not bad, especially considering membership of over half the group changes every year, meaning that they essentially start again from scratch every October!

Discussed in the committee meeting are the preparations for Edinburgh this summer (you can catch the boys at The Assembly throughout August), booking of flights for a two-week tour of Japan in September, and the announcement that somebody wants to fly them out to Hong Kong and Singapore next December, all expenses paid. I sit there speechless – this is so unlike any other student group in the UK: they are verging on an institution.

Following this meeting, we are joined by the rest of the group and travel to a local school to run a  singing/performance workshop with 11-16 year olds.  The initially shy teenagers soon come round to the and get into the swing of learning an arrangement of Katy Perry’s ‘California Girls’.  It is revealed that many of the local schools will be joining OOTB on stage during the second night of their New Theatre concert this year.

In a similar vein it is important to note that – although the group commands a considerable fee for some of its performances – none of the boys themselves see any of the profits.  Rather, money is donated to Oxford’s own Helen & Douglas House, the world’s first children’s hospice.
Following their Thursday rehearsal I shadow the group as they perform at a private dinner.  Cries of ‘Look – it’s Out of the Blue!’ punctuate the walk to the venue, while one member reveals that a group of schoolgirls recently knocked on his door to ask for autographs and signed CDs.  Preparations for this year’s studio album were also underway earlier today, with the basses travelling to a nearby studio.

Friday night sees another event-filled evening, with first a performance at the Oxford Union Ball and then a launch night at Camera to promote their New Theatre concert which this year for the first time is on two consecutive nights, meaning marketing this term is at an all time high.  Don’t miss the ‘flash mob’ performances in bars and pubs and next week the daily lunch time busking sessions begin on Cornmarket Street.

Apparently they all do degrees as well…?

Book tickets now to see Out of the Blue at the New Theatre – 7.30pm, 11th & 12th June

Procrastination Destination: The Goldfish Bowl

Do you love fish? Of course you do! Who doesn’t enjoy spending time with members of a paraphyletic group of organisms that consists of all gill-bearing aquatic craniate animals that lack limbs with digits? (Thanks Wikipedia). Well then, we have the perfect Procrastination Destination for you. Hidden down a side-street off the Cowley Road, the Goldfish Bowl is the place to go if you’re feeling down and want to look at something pretty, or if you’re such a fish-lover that you want some to furnish your student abode.

Terry shows us around and introduces us to the fish. All the people who work here have an encyclopaedic knowledge of what’s in stock. Turns out the fish all have personalities and characters – who knew? Some of them are incredibly dim but others are pretty alert and pushy, particularly at dinner time. Many of the fish are beautiful, with intricate patterns, phosphorescent stripes, or billowing fins. Even some of the ‘fancy goldfish’ are less than mundane, with bulbous heads or protruding eyes,  and the names are pretty great: Clown Trigger, Malayan Angel, Knight Goby…

There are some fish that are, admittedly, pretty damn ugly. My companion can’t deal with the eels which keep emerging and slithering around. The Spotted Dog Face Puffer is also quite horrifying, although Terry tells us he’s a beauty who will sell for a ridiculous amount of money. As a baby fish, he’s like a tiny little dog head with a tail; as an adult, he gets huge and grows giant human-like teeth. Google it. Apparently the fish I think are hideous are in fact valuable and coveted, like the ominous Banded Catsharks.

I’m told that they get a lot of students coming in and buying fish, so perhaps we are seeing a trend towards celebratory fish buying; why not invest in some nice Variegated Rabbitfish once your exams are done? Just make sure you treat them right. Terry tells me about a time a student came in and sadistically dumped a Koi Carp in the piranha tank (they ate it all up immediately). He grabbed her hand and put it in with the piranhas: she immediately had a rethink.  

I have to admit I was dubious at first when a pet fish shop was suggested as an ideal procrastination destination. But, having wiled away an entire afternoon in Cowley with these aquatic oddities, I have to admit its an enjoyable and extremely unusual distraction from work. Personally, though I found the fish pretty exciting, it was the terrapins that really did it for me. Now I just have to figure out how to harbour a tank of them in my college room without my scout finding out.

Bantah about the Gap Yah

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Matt Lacey? Who’s he? You must literally be living in Burma. I can’t believe you said that. Where were you during that time in 2010 when it was impossible to make it through a conversation without someone mentioning Gap Yah? This was the three-minute sketch phenomenon that transformed Eton jollyisms like ‘banter’, ‘lash’, and ‘chunder’ into acceptable interjections to be yelled hoarsely in all manner of hedonistic social situations.

Lacey has won widespread recognition and acclaim for his portrayal of the affable but oafish Orlando Charmon, a familiar product of  the English public school system. In Gap Yah, Orlando relates to his top chap Tarquin – over the phone and with great animation – his colourful itinerary, from ‘Tanzanah’ to ‘Perah’ and ‘Burmah’, glorying in the profoundness of human frailty before invariably ‘chundering everywah’. The skit racked up over 650,000 views in its first month and now has over four million hits on YouTube. As a result, Orlando secured a deal with HarperCollins last year for his book The Gap Yah Plannah. It’s a bit different from Lonely Planet. ‘There is some genuine travel information in there,’ concedes Lacey, ‘but only some real heroes might try to use it as a travel guide.’  So, what does Orlando have to teach us of the world? ‘What he found out is that, while in North America, everyone has the right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness, in South America, happiness is cheaper, comes in a purer form, and he can get more of it up his nose.’

Privately educated and a veteran of three years at Oriel College, Oxford (where he read history), Lacey himself is no stranger to a ‘world of privilege’. He speaks in an assured, easy-going, Home Counties register, but downplays the influence of his alma mater on his work. When asked if he found any rich pickings at Oriel – a caricature Ladistocracy perhaps  – he shakes his head, ‘Not really. In my year, I think only one person went to Eton and one went to Westminster. There wasn’t that kind of rah culture.’ His secondary years, spent at Whitgift School in South Croydon, were similarly lacking in potential prototype Orlandos. ‘Minor fee-paying, upwardly-mobile middle classes; shopkeepers who have done well and have sent their kids to private school. Not like the top echelons: Eton, Harrow… they’re completely different.’ On balance, he assures me he’s not that much like his alter ego. ‘I suppose if there were a Venn diagram there’d be some crossover, but we’d be separate circles.’

It is true to say that silver spoons were definitely not to be found anywhere near the infant Lacey’s mouth. The only child of Irish émigré parents – an engineer father and a teacher mother who specialises in working with dyslexic children – Lacey spends  much of his spare time, as he always has done, working in his dad’s business of hiring out tools to the construction industry. ‘It’s a very different world to Orlando’s.’ What do mum and dad think? “They find it amusing,” laughs Lacey, “but I don’t think they’d have him as a son.”

That is not to say that Lacey did not encounter any proto-Orlando-like behaviour during his schooldays. Once, when playing a rugby much against Eton College, he overheard Etonians in ‘plummy tones’ lament about the time when John Fisher, the state school in Croydon that he ‘almost went to’, had enjoyed their hospitality and then proceeded to sneak spoons out of their dining hall. Lacey imitates the indignation he observed. ‘Oh, they were awful!’ This particular incident inspired him to write a character piece for his English homework. “I actually did that homework twice.”

Somewhat prophetically,  he took a gap year after school, although is keen to emphasise that he spent around five months of it ‘working in Ireland in a Chinese restaurant run by Romanians’. When he did attend far-flung climes he found himself in the Singida region of Tanzania (‘really the back end of nowhere, you’d struggle to reach it’). It threw up a few issues for Lacey, ’Why are middle class white kids going over to build schools,’ he wonders, ‘when local labour would probably be better and cheaper?’ He can see both sides of the argument, but would say that he’s “a bit ambivalent about the whole thing”. Upon arriving at university, he was keen to distance himself from the cast of the “gap year bore”. “I think I caught myself telling stories from my gap year once or twice, and saw a little glazed-over look. I thought, “Oh god, I’m boring”.”  

Lacey threw himself into a variety of other Oxford activities, with varying degrees of success: ‘I tried rowing,’ he muses, ‘It’s a very boring sport. I think I rowed once in fourth boat. We didn’t qualify. You’ve got to practice, apparently.He even had a column in Cherwell. “A friend of mine and I did college bar reviews. We went around all the college bars and wrote these reviews. Mostly whilst still pissed from the bar.” 

While most other forays were to be short-lived, Lacey’s taste for the stage stuck, and his comedy and acting talents soon found an appreciative audience. He was involved in several university plays as well as writing and performing with the Oxford Revue. He also undertook two tours of Japan with the Royal Shakespeare Company, an experience he found liberating. “The nice thing about doing serious stuff is that you don’t have this desperate need for people to laugh.”

But it was the comedy that really lasted. Lacey is a founding member of the four-person comedy troupe The Unexpected Items (named after that which self-service checkouts insist you ‘remove from the bagging area’), with whom he developed Gap Yah. The group were formed just after Lacey left Oxford, having invited Revue members from the previous four years to audition for its upcoming tour to America.  After said tour, the core of the group decided to push on as a comic circle of six. They have since been whittled down to four, but have been producing a series of adroit, lively sketches, ranging from a parody of Come Dine With Me between Jesus’ disciples to a mock news investigation on Facebook ‘fraping’. ‘We all write in different ways, which is good for a more eclectic sketch show. It ensures that whatever happens, you’re going to find good parts of it funny, because it’ll be written by different people. But we’ve always had a social satire bent. ‘Gap Yah fell nicely into that.’

Like many things that seem to run wildly out of hand, it all started off as a joke. ‘It was a silly voice to make fun of a posh friend of mine that kind of became fleshed out into a character. I think the fact I was writing and performing comedy meant that I was actually bothered to write it up and make it into a thing rather than it remaining just a joke between friends.’ He first performed the sketch as part of a Revue show at the Old Fire Station in the Michaelmas term of his final year. The addition of the oft-repeated chundering punchline was inspired by an incident in Oxford when Lacey overheard someone exclaiming ‘Tarquin just chundered! Tarquin just chundered!’ as said individual ‘vommed’ into somebody’s garden. But the watershed moment was undeniably his decision to film and upload the sketch to YouTube in February 2010, after which, thanks to the power of social networks, we can follow  the rest of the story ourselves.

Lacey adopts a modest tone when discussing his Gap Yah ‘smash’, ‘In the sixty hours of footage uploaded to YouTube every minute. I’m sure there’s plenty of brilliant comedy on there, but it’s not seen the light of day in the same way. I guess it’s just one of those things: sometimes you have the run of the luck, sometimes you don’t. I think I was lucky.’ He notes the auspicious timing of the royal wedding and the general election: ‘It was used in quite a few articles as a hook to write about David Cameron.’ And he allows that there was some clear intrinsic resonance. ‘I think it was a clear, simple, forwardable social stereotype.’

It’s a stereotype visible across all forms of comedy, satirising ‘poshness’ has been particularly popular of late.  Of course, we’ve seen the likes of Hugh Laurie, Miles Jupp, and Marcus Brigstocke mine this comic potential for years, but waves of new talent – the likes of Jack Whitehall, Michael McIntyre, Tom Palmer, Tom Stourton, Benet Brandreth – have exploited blurring the line between embodying, and mocking, this private school cliché.

With social mobility stagnating, fees rising, and an economy on the back foot, isn’t comedy just going to get posher? ‘The social background of alternative comedy has changed,’ remarks Lacey, ‘It used to be the case that you were either went Oxbridge Footlights-style, or you were a working man’s comic. It seems more and more common now that stand-ups will have been privately educated. And also, the reality is we’ve got a very posh government at the moment, and a lot of comedians are sending that up.’ But he’s not distressed by the artistic ownership these new faces are taking over their privileged past. ‘A lot of comedy comes from what you know. I met plenty of these people at Oxford. Is it any different? I’m not sure. If anything’s going to spark class warfare, it’s got to be Made in Chelsea.’

Perhaps the most lasting legacy of the Gap Yah phenomenon is the way in which it injected the likes of ‘banter’ and ‘chunder’ into the language of the social mainstream. Maybe I’m wrong though? Lacey smiles knowingly. ‘It’s probably changed people in our demographic’s social vocabulary, but I haven’t noticed much of a difference on the building site.’

Even so, these words have doubtless seen heavier usage since Lacey’s viral success. What is it like when a private joke acquires such fame? ‘It’s a funny experience. After doing the show in my third year, I heard a guy doing an impression of my sketch in the bar; I didn’t know him, I’d never met him, I didn’t know anyone around him. It was quite funny having my stuff repeated back to me.’ Does he find people wary of declaring their commitment to ‘banter and lash’ in front of him these days? ‘It does happen, but usually with an ironic smile.’

No actor wishes him or herself to be typecast as one face – so is there a future for Orlando? ‘If you’ve had a bit of success with one thing, there’s no reason to just drop it out of some vague sense you should be doing something else. And if you look at character comedians, it’s often the case they have a breakthrough character, and then they introduce other ones once they get a TV slot: Sasha Baron Cohen was Ali G for years, and Steve Coogan’s still doing Alan Partridge.’ And why doubt Orlando? The facts speak for themselves: in the two years since Gap Yah, Orlando’s landed himself a publishing deal, television appearances, and an official music video. Unstoppable? Enter Lacey with a note of caution. ‘He’s going to do a few internships with daddy’s friends, and then get a job… somewhere…’