Tuesday, April 29, 2025
Blog Page 1710

Who’s afraid of Big Bad Oil?

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It is not often said that oil companies have a hard time of it. In the public imagination they’re somewhere up there with bankers. They make too much money, they pollute the environment, they exploit natural resources and they support continuing climate change.

The evidence is everywhere. Consider Exxon Valdez, Deepwater Horizon, or the myriad of less well-publicised spills like them. Think of the Niger Delta, the hegemonies that oil allows to flourish in countries like Saudi Arabia, the civil wars it perpetuates in areas like South Sudan. Oil is a major cause of evil, ergo oil companies are evil. But amidst all the talk about Shell or BP, what are we doing?

Fossil fuels are getting harder to reach. Twenty years ago, we didn’t need to drill so deeply or in such inhospitable areas as the Gulf of Mexico.  Today, oil companies are going to fantastic technological lengths to maintain supply. The infamous Deepwater Horizon was a structure working in 4,000ft of water, drilling over 6 miles down. That is a phenomenal feat of engineering and it comes with risk. No matter what, accidents happen. There will always be another spill.

Still, we fly to far-flung places on holiday. We charge our iPads, iPods, mobiles and laptops. We complain about our heating bills and petrol prices, and also of new drilling projects nearby or in unspoilt landscapes like Alaska. We can’t have it both ways. The oil companies are the suppliers that meet our demands. If they are evil, they are our evil. The effects of Deepwater Horizon, the unrest in the Niger Delta, the building of pipelines in Alaska: these are all for our benefit. We are addicts, blaming the corner shop owner for continuing to sell to us.

The questions of energy security are big, difficult ones, without simple answers. But we are not helpless. We live in a democracy. We can email our MPs without leaving the comfort of our warm rooms. We can ask what they’re doing to support the shift away from oil. We can argue for support of renewable industries and we can call for the building of a base of green engineers and scientists to create those industries. We can demand renewable energy.  We can call on the government to create a long-term plan for the fundamental shift in our energy infrastructure. We can make this an issue that does not get left behind in the rush for austerity.

Oil companies are well aware of the need to shift to renewables. Few industries know better the increasing difficulty in satisfying our demands for energy. If we create the move away from oil, they’ll still be there, just in a healthier form.

Needless to say, we’ll have to find another industry to vilify. Another round of banker-bashing, anyone?

5 Minute Tute: Climate Change Talks

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What stage are climate change talks at?

Climate change talks are dragging. After more than 20 years of negotiations, countries have agreed that we must keep global average temperatures from increasing more than 2 degrees Celsius, but they have not been able to agree a plan that would achieve that goal. They have made voluntary commitments to begin reducing emissions, and they’ve agreed some of the building blocks for a global deal. But we see neither the urgency nor the ambition that will be required.

Why has it been so difficult to reach an agreement on climate change?

This may be the most difficult diplomatic challenge we have ever faced. The problem is hugely complex – the causes and effects of climate change implicate every facet of the global economy. Every country has a stake in the issue, and success will demand bold action by all the world’s largest countries to achieve both sharp reductions in emissions in industrialized countries and an aggressive shift to low-carbon development paths in emerging economies. And of course we are trying to negotiate a solution with 194 parties around the table.

Which countries are most reluctant to take serious action?

The US is most often singled out for its reluctance and appropriately so. It is stunning to see national political leaders asserting that the science of climate change is somehow in doubt. There is no question that leadership from the US would yield a breakthrough in the negotiations. It is also important to note, however, that other countries – Canada, Japan, Russia, to name a few – have also been resisting action.

How will any agreement be enforced?

The short answer is that we don’t know. One can be sure that before the parties agree to a binding deal, there will be intensive negotiations on how it is to be enforced.

Given the difficulties of getting an inter-governmental agreement, could action in the private sector act as a substitute?

It is still vitally important that we establish a global regime that ensures a concerted effort to reduce emissions. Given the pace of negotiations, however, it is also clear that we must find other ways to spur action. We need leadership both from companies and also from individual governments at all levels.  

Companies can reduce emissions from their own operations, of course, and many have already done so. They can also help drive down emissions across their entire value chains, and by making products such as electric cars that help consumers reduce their own emissions.  Already you see some companies stepping up to this challenge, because they recognize that the future belongs to businesses that are leading the way to a low-carbon economy.

Governments can also act without waiting for an international agreement. Last year, Denmark announced that they would meet all of their energy needs with renewable sources by 2050, and mapped out a detailed road map for achieving that goal. China, the world’s second largest economy, is investing very intensively in developing renewable energy and driving greater efficiency into its economy.  Some states in the US are taking action, despite a political stalemate at the national level. And many of the world’s largest cities are expanding transit systems, discouraging car use, and establishing strict efficiency standards for new buildings. There are many compelling reasons to get much more out of the energy we use, and to shift from fossil fuels to energy sources like sunlight and wind that are clean, abundant, and free.

Misanthrope: say no to pizza, and yes to recycling

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Owning a pizza parlour is the best investment in an economic downturn. It is a well known fact that in times of hardship we abandon the organic root weed compotes and go straight for the processed dough, in the vain hope that our cheese induced delirium will distract from our other problems.

Never has this analogy been more apt than when considered in relation to the problem of climate change. The middle class supposedly has more concrete problems to deal with than those gnawing environmental guilts, so easily pushed to the back of an already full conscience. We are responsible for enough disasters as it is: war and poverty, to name but two. We do not need to be saddled with another.

The impetus for change has been dealt an almighty blow by the growing backlash against the very notion of climate change. It has become increasingly fashionable to deny global warming’s existence altogether, by appealing to dubious scientific assertions and cheerful American guys with questionable scruples telling us everything is going to be OK. And so we buy into this cross Atlantic “can do” spirit and we tell ourselves that contaminated oceans and encroaching deserts are God’s problem, not ours.

But everything isn’t going to be OK. Whilst we sit twiddling our thumbs and watch as Rome burns, we ignore the great big footprint that we’ve trodden into the planet. Unconcerned by humanity’s disproportionate contribution to the Earth’s deteriorating condition, we turn the other cheek to rising consumption of almost every one of the planet’s resources. The government’s promises to foster a more sustainable society by banning plastic bags and increasing taxes on gas guzzlers seem to have fallen on deaf ears. The vogue is for living for the present and not worrying about the future. So long as the tree has a healthy exterior now, we can worry about the deadly disease festering in its roots later.

Soon we’ll look in the mirror at our bloated, distended reflection, and regret ever having eaten that pizza. And we’ll wish we had chosen the healthy option instead.

Interview: Jeremy Leggett

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Those who braved the frosty cold and slippery paving stones of central Oxford in order to attend the second ever Oxford Climate Forum on Friday and Saturday of 3rd week, were welcomed by a host of speakers with a range of diverse ideas. Talks spanned the full gamut of issues: from macro-level discussions about where the responsibility falls for rectifying the mistakes of environmental neglect, on the one hand, to micro-level explanations of the role of specific technologies in beating global warming, on the other. Extolling the virtues of green technology, and lambasting the political world for its failure to appreciate the urgent need to sever dependence on non-renewable energy, was Jeremy Legget, whose speech marked the end of the two day forum.

Jeremy Leggett is the intelligent face of the green movement. He has written books on peak oil and the environment – ‘Half gone: oil, gas hot air and the Global Energy Crisis’ and ‘The Carbon War: global warming and the end of the oil era’ – and now heads the UK’s biggest solar energy company, Solarcentury. He has also been chief campaigner for Greenpeace.  But Leggett did not always fight as a representative for the environmental cause.

“My research was on the history of the oceans”, Leggett tells me, speaking over the chatter that fills the Oxford town hall after the close of the forum. “At Oxford”, he adds. After completing his DPhil, Leggett was on the faculty of Imperial College, an expert in the field that he now opposes, and whose controlled demise he campaigns for. “I was a creature of the oil industry”, Leggett tells me. “Fully paid up.” So what caused him to turn his back on oil and embark on a career that was so diametrically opposed to it? “I got worried about global warming mid-eighties,” says Leggett, “long before it was fashionable. I quit on grounds of conscience, thinking that many other people would do the same. But not many did.”

Leggett is vehemently opposed to our reliance on fossil fuels for two reasons. On the one hand, he thinks that governments have grossly underestimated the threat posed by peak oil. “It’s not that there isn’t enough oil”, Leggett insists. “It’s that the flow rates are unsustainable.” In the event that peak oil turns out to be a fantasy, would he then be unconcerned by dependence on fossil fuels?  “There are people who are worried about peak oil who aren’t worried about climate change,” Leggett responds. “And vice versa. I’m worried about both.” Although he acknowledges that “both of these are issues of complex risk assessment in the face of massive uncertainty,” he is insistent that the stakes are too high in both cases. “With both of them, at a minimum it’s about wrecking the global economy. A lot more in the case of climate change. These are high stakes issues. And both are high risk. In fact, climate change isn’t just high risk. It’s odds on certainty.”

So Leggett advocates a wholesale move to renewable sources of energy because, as far as he is concerned, the cost of staying with traditional fossil fuels will be cataclysmic. Whether it’s the effects of global warming or the economic calamity associated with peak oil, we need to move to renewables. And the timeframe is not a large one. “I think we’ve got a matter of years before we get to that inflection point,” he warns.

Leggett focused in his talk on inflection points in renewable energies as they progress towards commercial viability. But now he tells me that “there are inflection points in the climate system too.” To you and me that’s ‘irreversible climate change’, beyond which we can’t prevent the effects of global warming on the planet and on human life. It’s for this reason that Leggett is so opposed to nuclear energy. Nuclear power takes ten years to go from the drawing board to the national grid, according to the nuclear industry itself. According to Leggett, we simply don’t have this time. Renewables, contrary to popular belief, are ready to go straight away. “We could be one hundred percent by 2030”, says Leggett.

His area of expertise – solar energy – is said to have reached its inflection point in 2004, and has been an increasingly viable option ever since. Although Leggett advocates a reliance on multiple forms of energy – and firmly believes that a mixed approach is the only sensible way to attack dependence on fossil fuels – he is keen to sing the praises of solar energy. His company, Solarcentury, has been responsible for some of the more eye-catching feats of solar panel engineering, such as the CIS tower in Manchester. Photovoltaics is now becoming an increasingly viable method of electricity production. It ticks all the boxes that any source of energy, renewable or not, must. For starters, homes fitted with solar panels can become not just carbon neutral, but actually providers of energy to the national grid. This excess of electricity created is something for which the homeowner is compensated – this has prompted residents of Solarcentury’s solar powered chalets in France to refer to them as their pensions.

On top of this, solar energy is not constrained in its potential to provide significant amounts of electricity. In the fantastical scenario in which solar panels are fitted to every rooftop in rainy Britain, the subsequent amount of electricity generated would be sufficient for the country’s needs.

Leggett has explained the necessity of moving from fossil fuels to renewables, both out of concern over peak oil and concern over climate change. Why, then, is there not a greater exodus from non-renewable energy? He identifies sheer lack of political will as the main culprit. He bemoans a culture that is “desperately resistant to change”. In particular, he is sceptical about the credentials of this government. “There are some actors in the government who get it”, he says. “But they’re losing the battle and they’re not fighting very hard. They’re going to end up looking ridiculous. The greenest government ever? Give me a break.” He is a little more sanguine about the prognosis globally. “A lot depends on what happens in Germany and Japan, especially Japan. They’re probably going to be getting rid of 54 nuclear reactors in Japan.”

While a move away from nuclear energy is welcome, provided the hole is plugged by renewable energy, does he think that this is the direction that the Japanese and Germans are going in? “If stupid decisions are made about tar sands and fracking, perhaps not.” But he has faith that this is not going to happen. If his appraisal of the world’s predicament with respect to both fuel and the climate is anything close to being correct, let’s hope he’s right.

Should developed countries tackle global warming first? YES

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We have had our fun. For over a century the West has drained the world of its coal and oil, torn down its forests and clogged its atmosphere for the sake of wealth. No one but the odd recalcitrant Texan even tries to deny this anymore. We might protest that we cannot be held responsible for the ignorance of our predecessors; still, try as we might to repent by reusing plastic bags and powering the occasional speed camera with a solar panel, we cannot change the fact that the cumulative prosperity we have inherited was built on generations of environmental neglect. 

We might be tempted to point out that the West’s carbon emissions have levelled off in the past decade, and even begun to decline in a few countries, at least per capita, but our apparent restraint is more likely a result of our tendency to outsource grubby businesses like manufacturing to developing countries that are generally more concerned with putting food on the table than keeping noxious gas out of the air. What’s more, we still manage to put out several times more carbon per head than global workshops like China and India. 

Despite the fairly obvious moral imperatives, too often the developed world shirks its environmental duties, arguing that any serious attempt to cut emissions through a carbon tax or large-scale adoption of clean energy sources would bring about instant economic chaos. That this basic assumption is so rarely questioned can only be down to a dearth of political will, though the tendency of environmentalists to portray global warming as an inevitable apocalypse does not exactly help. 

Such assumptions do not stand up to much scrutiny. A carbon tax could quite easily be offset by cuts in taxes elsewhere. Managed well, such a move would create an incentive to purchase low-carbon products and fuels without being too much of an impact on the economy’s overall tax burden and unduly aggravating voters. Green fuels may be uncompetitive at the moment, but the cost of solar power halves every few years and so may be cheaper than coal within a decade while the price of fossil fuels can only rise in the long term. 

The developed world is in a unique position to take these sorts of steps. Our consumers still provide the bulk of global demand for carbon-producing goods and our universities and companies have most of the knowledge and capital needed to make green energy commercially viable. Only the developed world is in a position to both funnel investment into green technology and create an embryonic market for it through a carbon tax. The developed world should act now. Not just out of moral obligation, but because we can where others cannot.

Review: Cabaret

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Willkommen, bientot and welcome to the Kit Kat Klub, sings a paint-faced emcee who chisels away at the fourth wall whilst you are guided to your table by a member of the chorus line. Or, at least if you’ve paid the extra cost. If not, you still get to see the show, but you’re sat up in the normal seats. And you don’t get wine. And as we all know, there are two ways to a reviewer’s heart: a brilliant production, and free wine. Unfortunately, for those of us in the ordinary seats, neither of these were present.

I must qualify that last statement, however. Not the bit about the wine: that just wasn’t there. When I say a brilliant production, I mean the totality of it. Not just the lead singers, or the set design, or any of the other little bits that could go well or badly in isolation, but all of these things together. Unfortunately for the production here, these bits just didn’t fit together. This was perhaps most noticeable in the discrepancy between the music and the choreography. Whilst due credit must be given to Illias Thoms as the director of music for leading a band which was, whilst small, quite spectacular at times, the choreography simply didn’t match. Most notably the chorus line was quite often, and quite significantly off-time, and the dancers were of a very variable quality. This, perhaps, would matter less had the band played a little looser. It was the gulf between the two, between the music and the choreography that helped to let the production down, in this case. Perhaps, however, I’ve misread it. Perhaps the dancing was meant to be off-time. After all, Cabaret is a show about the Kit Kat Klub, a sleazy cabaret in 1930s Berlin, not about the Berlin State Ballet.

This spottiness applies also to the acting. Certainly, there were some outstanding performances, including Alice Pearse as a pitch-perfect Sally, capable of sounding at the same time wounded, vulnerable and extremely angry. However, she far outshone Cliff (Jack Graham), her lover, in the few duets that they had. A character who exists as living proof of a concept taken too far is the emcee, Mark Dlugash. As a caricature of grotesquely absurd sexuality, his character certainly looks the part, displaying no emotion through his aggressively painted face, wearing fishnet gloves and a waistcoat without a shirt. However, a bizarre accent, a combination of French and German, is far from easy to understand and becomes tiresome quickly. A shame, considering he portrays a character who is quite fascinating.

Whilst the play got off to a slow start, the second act was the more interesting act by far, and was by far the better acted. Ultimately, whilst it did deliver moments of excellence, the production as a whole did not work as a cohesive whole, and so failed to deliver its promised punch.

3 stars

Review: Vagina Monologues

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This was a production full of promise, but also sadly one that was not quite “there”. It was under rehearsed and in places clumsy, with some underpowered monologues that lacked drive and some that we so full of energy that unfortunately they went too far the other way and came across as “hammy”. This was a shame, because there was some real acting talent here. It felt like it could have been a great production, had it had just a week or two more.

The success of the Vagina Monologues rests on timing and pace, and ultimately this is where the underpreparation showed the most. The opening lists were too slow and lacked rhythm which was a shame because it overshadowed the lovely touch of adding to these lists the names for vaginas in various Oxford colleges.

Of the monologues, The Flood and The Vagina Workshop were overplayed, losing their touching confessional quality in favour of laughs. Jo Murray’s slightly manic, energetic presentation was right-on for The Women Who Loved to Make Vagina’s Happy (although the styling for this was wrong- she looked like an air hostess not a kinky corporate dominatrix) which was nothing short of virtuosic in her enthusiastic menu of moans, but this didn’t work for the more intimate Vagina Workshop monologue. Then, on the other hand, I wished the Angry Vagina had been a bit more angry and showed more passion.

Charlie Goodman’s Because He Liked to Look at It and Carolin Kreuzer’s The Little Coochie Snorcher That Could stood out against the rest of the monologues as gentle, natural, touching. They didn’t seem like they were trying too hard, and the moving power of the monologues themselves were able to shine through. The subtlety of both of their performances really captured the personal and confessional intent of Ensler’s vagina monologues concept.

There were also a few bad directorial choices; in the Six Year Old Girl section, the girl and the interviewer kept switching roles which felt unnecessary, and in the My Vagina Was my Village monologue – played very movingly again by Charlie Goodman – there was a voice over through the sound system which was too loud, jarring, and disrupted the quiet mournfulness of the piece. It would have been better if the other actress had been on the stage. It felt as if the technology had been used just because it was there.

Sadly, this was an “almost there” production of the Vagina Monologues, which is a shame because there was so much about the production that was funny, touching and well observed. It just needed to be slicker, sharper and perhaps a bit more carefully handled. The audience enjoyed it, they were laughing along- but this is part of the problem. When underprepared it is easy to go for laughs rather than the more delicate balance of something that is quietly funny but also moving and meaningful. I just wish that this production had had a little bit longer to rehearsal, because it had so much potential. 

2 stars

The Olympics — Cann she do it?

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England’s number one ladies singles badminton player, Elizabeth Cann, represented England from the age of 13 and received her first England senior cap in 2002 in the Uber cup held in Holland. She now has 38 caps to date with her most immediate aim (as with most British international athletes of the moment) being to qualify for London 2012.

Her main competitor, Susan Egelstatt from Scotland, however, is standing in her way. For both British players to qualify for the Olympics, they both have to be ranked in the top 16 in the world. When asked her about the rivalry and what it was like knowing that in the most-likely scenario only one of the Brits would qualify, she told Cherwell Sport “It’s OK between us. We’ve always got on fairly well although we don’t see a lot of each other. Even if we are at the same tournament we don’t necessarily bump into each other. I guess it’s a bit strange this season as we both know we want the other one to lose.”

Cann is still hopeful, despite being ranked below Egelstatt, and is adjusting her tournament-training balance to try and improve her chances. “There are a lot more tournaments than a usual season to give us the best chance of getting our ranking as high as possible, but we still train really hard. I am on court Monday to Friday for two hours every day and on Monday afternoons for one hour. Tuesdays, Thursdays and Sundays are when I do my physical training. We may do matches twice a week if tournaments are coming up but some weeks we may not do any. If we play several tournaments in a row we don’t do much match practice in training.”

Here typical match routine is as follows: “I’ll arrive at the hall about an hour and a half or two hours before my match. When I arrive I organize myself, fill up my drink bottles, and then mobilize my joints and proceed to sit and watch other matches for a while. I’ll have a brief chat with my coach about tactics and maybe eat a banana and have a carbohydrate drink. I’ll start my warm up half an hour before my match and will also go through the match in my mind and what I want to focus on.”

Turning to topics of controversy I pried into the reasons behind Robert Blair and Nathan Robertson’s falling out (both male British internationals, with Robertson an Olympic medallist) wondering if this had had any impact of the Anglo-Scottish relations within the squad. “To be honest I don’t really know what the problem was, I try to stay out of other people’s drama. It has had no effect on the Anglo-Scottish relations in the squad; they are doubles players so I never train with them and I haven’t noticed a difference in atmosphere.” Not giving up on my desire for some scandal, I asked Cann about the BWF’s attempt to make all women wear skirts for matches. “That definitely caused a stir. It wouldn’t have affected me as I wear skirts anyway. I see what they were trying to do but you need to wear what you feel comfortable in when competing. I wouldn’t have liked it if they were trying to make us wear big baggy shorts so they should probably just leave that one alone.”

Cann expresses great enthusiasm on the subject of the national team’s new coach Kenneth Jonassen, “a great coach, very professional and really knows his stuff. He brings a great intensity into the sessions and his style of coaching really suits me. He gives you small pointers to focus on within the exercises which make it different from what I’ve had before.”

The funding she receives from Badminton England is not enough to cover her expenses so she has to find other sources of income, which, she says, is not easy in the current climate. When asked about the seemingly endless conveyor belt of badminton talent coming out of South East Asia, she said “Badminton is an extremely popular sport in Asia and they have a very different system over there. Most athletes live in sports schools from the very young age of about 7 years old and so are pretty much training full time from that point. I think that’s part of the reason why they become good so young, along with the fact that they have world-class players to model themselves on. There are also many more people to choose from so if one gets injured then there are hundreds more.” She does believe that Europe is starting to challenge Asia in terms of producing badminton superstars but concedes that badminton will always remain more of a minority sport in Europe.

Asked whether it was easier to succeed as a girl or a boy, she told me, “Although there are more boys than girls playing the sport there are still a lot of girls who play singles on the international circuit and there’s a lot of depth. I guess it probably is easier for girls if you look at it that way, but it is by no means ‘easy’ for girls to succeed; we still have to put a lot of work in.” She is keen to encourage more girls to take up badminton by urging them to have a go and see if they enjoy it. “Singles is quite physically hard but if you don’t enjoy having to run around the court a lot then you can do mixed doubles,” although she quickly added that mixed doubles still involves a lot of running. “It’s a great social sport too and also interesting as there are so many different parts of the game to work on so it never gets boring.”

So in five years where does she see herself? “That’s an interesting one. I won’t be competing in badminton anymore, or not seriously anyway. I’m not sure what career path I’ll take but I’d like it to involve passing back the things I have learnt over the years by doing some coaching, although not full-time.”

Cann remained reserved when asked what her predictions would be for London 2012. “I wouldn’t like to say. It’s so hard to predict in such a huge event as strange things often happen.”

Uses of Exam Regulations

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Big, fat, nondescript. Maybe that was what was on your plate at hall last night, or a precise photo-profile of the last person you landed at Camera. I can also safely assume it’s that huge wad of a codex in your room emblazoned ‘Exam Regulations’, currently sat on your shelf/floor/unwashed plate, unless you cunningly ‘left’ it at home after Michaelmas to make room for the extra Jäger. Whilst definitely the fifth best thing to come into my possession last October after my four free University of Oxford Student Notebooks, it took something of a hit in my estimation after I found out that 1.5/1125th of it was actually relevant to me and the rest left a lot to be desired on the bedtime-reading front. What for it now?

Doorstop
This is a genuine use and the original inspiration for this article. Exam Regs are versatile and can be propped against doors, or even jammed in the frame for a stylish “look, no wedge” look.

Jenga
For those of us not fortunate enough to work in the Oxford University Press warehouses, hoarding and piling everyone else’s Exam Regs is the ideal inappropriate 2am answer to the standard communal board game. As this version broadly involves picking holes in the existing Regulations and putting more on top, some PPEists will find it delightfully analogous to their desired futures.

Saving your life
First World War British serviceman Corporal Frank Richards had a Bible. Former US president Teddy Roosevelt had a single-folded fifty-page speech. Whether you’re an Assassin’s Guild fanatic, coming into a lot of money shortly, or simply scared of snipers, Exam Regs provides top-dollar torso protection on the cheap. Wear it close to your heart.

Taking a life

Alternatively, maybe you’re thinking about running for Union next term, or perhaps that weird guy in Schools who honks a little over-keenly at ‘lecturer banter’ is simply far too annoying. Exams Regs is your friend, but you really wouldn’t want take that bad boy to the cranium.

Song lyrics
Back in the day, Handel didn’t make up his lyrics. Proselytising prose for pros were psalms from the Book of the ultimate G, Gee Oh Dee. Messiah was a hit, but getting the words down wasn’t much harder than the job of whoever it was that wrote Barbra Streisand. So if you’ve got your dub on like Tinie Tempah or Tinchy Stryder or some other variety of Small Misspelled-Nouun, consider taking Exam Regs as inspiration. Stuff like “Regulations 4.15-4.19 below apply to the appointment of external examiners” can only be described as a ‘massive ch00n’.

Recreating a terrible version of that Yellow Pages Christmas advert
With the startling audacity of coming on to taller girls at the age of about six, no doubt the posh little Lad in question has since had his share of further ‘success’, and Fuzzy Ducks. For us though, the Yellow Pages has gone from brick to flatbread, making Exam Regs your bulky saviour in awkward tiptoe mistletoe moments.  Not recommended for size 12 feet.

Property development
Oxford’s housing problem is a well-known one, but so is your secret love for Lego-like activities. Time to tackle both. While Exam Regs aren’t guaranteed to be A-rated energy efficient, they could probably handle a monsoon or two. Plus, Bob the Builder made the whole construction business look very straightforward; all you really needed was breezeblocks and pink icing. Who knows – with minimalist design in vogue these days, it’s perhaps something to try after losing that game of Jenga.

Drinking game
What better way to kick off a desolate Monday evening than shots and Exam Regs. Start from the top, down one for “Candidates may offer”, and down a gallon after every instance of “Honour School”. Which isn’t the sort of school you’ll be in by the end of it.

Forging Sir Thomas Bodley’s signature in and eBaying it
Not going to lie, someone in rural Rajasthan is probably going to buy it.

Be my Valentine?… No thanks.

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Immy: There’s a strong probability that most of you reading this will develop a disinclination towards me and my pro-valentine’s day gushing but I genuinely love it.

We all love to complain about the overpriced chocolates and cards, the queues outside Oxford’s finest eateries (i.e. the cheapest meal you can get away with without resorting to Hassan’s), and the PDA overkill, but I’d just like to say to all you cynics out there: look away. Just go away. Stop complaining about not being able to go out to dinner because of the surplus of couples and tables-for-two in every restaurant  you might want to visit. Why is it that no one ever goes out to dinner in term-time and then suddenly, on Valentine’s day, you’re all moaning about not being able to get a table? If you don’t want to buy chocolates and cards, then don’t. But don’t rain on our parade just because you don’t have anyone to love. The PDAs I can’t explain away as easily, but if you’ve ever lived in a student house with no locks on the bedroom doors, chances are you’ve been in more awkward situations.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not going to idealise the day for you. It’ll probably be pretty normal, there’ll be no fireworks or candles, long walks on the beach and sunsets, and aside from a more-than-average level of pink and red in shop front windows, you might not even notice. You’ll stick to your usual routine: lectures, library, lunch. Even the alliteration’s depressing. That is, if you’re single.

If you do happen to be in a relationship, then it’ll probably be the same, with one key difference: lectures, library, lunch…love. Even the alliteration’s magical. That half a chocolate bar he left you, the way she touches your hand when you say hello, the look of longing in both of your eyes when you part, they all have that special extra something when it’s Valentine’s day.

Valentine’s Day is a day to really make the most of being with someone.  You know that feeling you normally get when you come up behind your boyfriend and give him a massive hug but all of his friends look disapproving?  The social stigma attached to Public Displays of Affection doesn’t apply on Valentines Day.  Rather than just hugging your boyfriend on Valentines Day why not start passionately making out with him, regardless of whether he’s mid-speech or not.  Hell, it’s Valentine’s Day, live a little and have sex in a public location of your choice.  

Spending Valentine’s Day together with your other half is an experience only beaten by managing to skip the Park End/Shark End/FUBAR/Lava Ignite queue on a particularly busy Wednesday.  All day you can glory in being together, why not get up early for a breakfast together?  Go to each other’s lectures just so that you can hold hands?  Curl up together for a night in watching P.S. I Love You or The Notebook and talking about how your love is even stronger than theirs?  The best thing is that it’s in February, so sharing a bed with someone isn’t the endurance contest that it is by Trinity and actually, if you’re doing it right, normally pretty pleasurable.

People who don’t like Valentine’s Day, who can’t share the love and joy that the rest of us feel, have something wrong with them.  It’s a very well known, but still technically unproven, scientific fact.  If you’re single Valentine’s Day doesn’t so much represent a day of depression as an opportunity to strike.  Everyone who is single on Valentine’s Day is acutely aware of the fact that they will probably die alone and unloved. As such everybody’s looking to hook up.  That hot Blues Rugby guy who never returns your calls?  Drop him a text on Valentine’s Day and he’ll be round before you’ve even pulled up those suspenders.  

If you don’t fancy remedying your single status this Valentines Day, it’s impossible to argue that Valentine’s Day represents anything other than one of the best opportunities to wallow each year.  Nobody can judge you for consuming over four litres of Haagen Daaz, with some Ben and Jerries thrown in for variety, while watching more chick flicks than journal articles you’ve read so far this year.  This presents a prime opportunity to pity yourself, knowing that tomorrow you can continue on your life as normal with all that existential angst out of your system, having been replaced with a slighter larger waistline and indigestion, along with an inability to watch Hugh Grant films.

*The views in this article do not necessarily match those of the writer.

 

Matt: It’s that time of the year again.  One of the most polarising days of the year, normally dependent on whether you’re spending it with a loved one or sobbing into a tub of ice cream while you comfort eat through Notting Hill.  I’m personally not a fan.  Given the amount of anguish it causes, Valentine’s Day just seems a bit unnecessary.

It’s not even just about being alone on Valentine’s Day that causes me to hate it, I’ve spent plenty of other Valentines Day’s in the company of the fairer sex that have caused me just as much discomfort.  A particular low occurred last year.Having been tipped off by a well meaning, but unfortunately for me misguided, friend that a girl I had been ‘seeing’ for a while was expecting something for Valentine’s Day, I set off to Sainsbury’s to purchase some of the finest chocolates I could find.  I arrived at hers with some Guylian’s Sea Shells that had been reduced by 50% – maybe not the finest chocolates but we’re living in times of austerity – and we settled down to watch a film.  Halfway through, with the perfect moment still eluding me, I whipped out my gift to be met with complete silence.  Turns out she wasn’t really ‘a Valentine’s Day sort of person’.

I wouldn’t be surprised if Valentine’s Day alone was enough to restore the British economy’s growth as anyone shopping for anything vaguely related to Valentine’s Day seems to lose all notion of a fair price.  Boxes of chocolates, half of which nobody in the world will ever eat because they’re flavours such as ‘Pistachio Cream’, are sold for ten pounds.  Cards that will take longer to choose than the time they stay out of the bin/drawer are sold for four pounds.  Set menus (easily the worst culprit) featuring a small piece of pork/chicken/beef/dog and some ice cream are only 25 pounds (you’re paying for the ‘ambience’).  I’m pretty sure that McDonald’s would have a set menu for the night if they thought they could get away with it.  I’m even more sure that people would pay for it.

If you are unfortunate enough to be alone on Valentine’s Day my advice is to call Nightline to be on the safe side.  The day is so hyped up, with couples discussing their plans weeks in advance and comparing what they are going to do, that you almost fool yourself into thinking that you want the day to arrive just so that it’ll hurry up being over.  Then it does and you immediately regret it.  Public Displays of Affection take place left, right and centre with the entire world seemingly in couples: couples sitting outside the Rad Cam, couples in hall, couples sharing desks at the library and couples comforting each other through their respective essay crises. It’s as if all of the single people have rushed out to find someone, anyone, to cuddle in the middle of the road just so people know that they are not, in fact, alone.  My advice is to put on some music to distract yourself from the world around you.  I find Slipknot normally does the trick.  

While music may be good to distract yourself, the mediums of film and TV are equally as obsessed by Valentine’s Day.  What is worse is that no great cultural piece has ever emerged from Valentine’s Day (unless you count the film Valentine’s Day, in which case I don’t think you quite understand culture, or film, or the word ‘great’).  Instead we’re treated to the standard and predictable tale of a singleton who seems unlovable but eventually finds love. This scenario could exactly be described as mood-lifting unless you consider yourself a masochist. If that’s the case, then you won’t be needing a DVD today, head straight to the cinema for some seriously depressing couple time.

Alternatively, ask a coupled-up friend what their plans are. The look on their face as they describe how they’re just ‘going to have a night in, because they don’t need to do anything special now – their love is so cemented they’re just happy to be together doing nothing’, is enough to make you feel more nauseous than the morning after a particularly heavy crewdate.  
What’s worse is that no matter how hard you’ve prepared for Valentine’s Day, whether you’ve made reservations or detailed plans, you’re always left that little disappointed.  That’s because it’s been hyped out of all proportion, presented as a day to celebrate ever lasting love that you have to shoehorn your own situation into. So this year, cancel that table at GBK and just have a laugh with your friends.  I’ll see you at Camera, I’ll be the one without the other half…