Saturday 25th October 2025
Blog Page 1784

Arrangements in ballet music: missing the pointe?

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Does ballet music have a life offstage? The tendency for the past hundred years or so has been to take famous excerpts from scores written for ballets and to include them in commercials, Disney films, promotional devices and even pantomime. The musical worth and beauty in the construction of Sleeping Beauty and Swan Lake has arguably been diminished by the music’s over-popularity. Unfortunately it would be difficult and rare to imagine a music scholar or even a modern composer sitting and listening to the themes of these pieces in particular, and the vast majority of real music-lovers are very unlikely to sit down to listen to some bars from The Nutcracker.

But in the 20th century a great change took place in ballet, though few would be able immediately to recognise it. Although we can name Prokofiev’s Romeo and Juliet and Cinderella as being ballets for which music was composed, the vast majority of 20th and 21st century ballets are now constructed from already made music; music which was never intended for ballet and which, for all we know, could have been burnt by its composers should they have ever learnt that it was being used for ballet. Sometimes this can have the effect of sounding cliched. In 2008 the modern choreographer Angelin Preljocaj used the Adagietto from Mahler’s Fifth Symphony for the finale piece of his Blanche Neige. Considering the fairy-tale music that Tchaikovsky used for his ballets to evoke their surreal atmosphere, it’s probably categorically impossible that Mahler would ever have permitted this precious movement to be used for Snow White. One would say it even goes against the rules of musical arrangement.

The Adagietto itself is actually opposed to the other four movements of the full Fifth symphony; the symphony itself is an explosive, polyphonic example of superfluous twentieth-century music, where the melodies intertwine in such a bizarre and hardly logical way that you wonder whether Mahler simply created his work to shock and prove that music had changed in this period. It doesn’t fit at all into its symphony, if our judgement over symphonies involve paying as much attention to the work as a whole as we do to its individual movements. Yet the Adagietto survives through time much more enduringly than its four other partners which slightly lost their place in musical history. But that’s not to say that it has anything to do with Snow White! A symphony – and even a few bars from a symphony – cannot especially be taken out of its concert hall context, unless used ingeniously.

Another example of music being applied to modern ballet is the lengths to which Kenneth MacMillan went so as not to relate Massenet’s Manon to his ballet, also called L’histoire de Manon and also by Massenet. Wisely choosing not to take the entire operatic score and apply it to dance, he chose sections of other operas at random and glazed the work with Massenet’s Elegy; again a cliché movement maybe similar to Preljocaj’s use of the Adagietto. It is also a very sentimental piece which has been used ubiquitously but has its home on a solo violin in a salon or chamber concert hall. Of course the insertion of the movement immediately conjures-up tears in the audience, though the individual piece bears no relation to the other Massenet family which makes-up this ballet: instrumental sections from Cendrillon, the overture to Le Cid, and parts from the lesser known Cléopâtre and Grisélidis. The music in the ballet overall is quite irregularly stuck together, with little being effective before the repetition of the Elegy. But when the Elegy does strike a chord in the audience, it does so not because it’s totally matched with the choreography, but because it’s a beautiful piece by itself; and one has to admit that any composer or choreographer can try this usage with a ballet and succeed. It takes an entire different effort to choose pieces exceptionally carefully and genuinely investigate what might suit the context and the action of a ballet.

But there have been major and minor successes. One of these is the Nureyev-Fonteyn vehicle Marguerite et Armand, choreographed in 1963 by Frederick Ashton. The ballet itself could probably only receive acclaim today if either performed by genius dancers or witnessed by a truly sympathetic audience. Marguerite et Armand was not only reflective of ballet’s attempt to have its own Traviata, but was reflective of a period in ballet – namely the Nureyev-Fonteyn period – which has no chance of revival (or at least not in the next fifty years). When interviewed, Ashton said that Liszt’s Piano Sonata in B Minor had conjured-up the whole vision of the ballet for him as he listened to it. It’s no more than an eighteen-minute ballet; but that’s not eighteen minutes to pass by quickly, but rather eighteen minutes to respond to a short sonata and make the audience believe that Marguerite Gaultier has transformed from a careless courtesan into a woman who has given-up her life for love and finished it by dying of tuberculosis. Ashton apparently forbade any other dancers from even attempting the work, but through his two ingénues he did achieve what he had dreamed of as he listened to this Liszt sonata. Marguerite et Armand is one of the few cases where we can believe that Liszt composed the music for a ballet (and not only because the heroine upon whom this character is based, the real Marie Duplessis, was Liszt’s lover).      

Though not one of the most memorable Ashton ballets if we exclude Fonteyn and Nureyev, it certainly served Liszt much better than another ballet choreographed fifteen years later – Kenneth MacMillan’s Mayerling. This work has some incredible physical depictions of schizophrenia; broken movements, wild eyes and uncertainty of movement – all contained within the choreography. But its usage of Liszt sometimes purports to very little. At one point there is a salon scene in which we are shown nothing but the Prince Rudolf’s guests gathered around, as though waiting for some entertainment, and the orchestra play an arrangement of Liszt’s Consolation in E – perhaps one of the dullest and most meaningless Liszt pieces ever written (and not many of them were either dull or meaningless). There is no action on stage, and not much musically. Ashton had taken the right decision to leave Liszt’s Piano Sonata for piano, rather than melodrama-tising the Dame aux Caméllias story into even more of a melodrama than it already is.

In 1976, Ashton succeeded surprisingly and bewitchingly with musical arrangement again, this time with his A Month in the Country, based on the Turgenev play. It would even not be going too far to say that he used Chopin’s music in a way in which the composer himself would not have guessed. He took the theme from Chopin’s Kujawiak: Vivace, the third movement from his Fantaisie Brillante on Polish airs, originally played on clarinet and then with variations on piano, and had John Lanchberry, frequently the conductor for ballets of the Orchestra of the Royal Opera House, arrange it for piano and orchestra. The result was actually a much more memorable and sentimental romantic reverie than Chopin’s original version. Chopin’s choice to have the clarinet originally play it at a presto tempo had almost transformed it into something ugly and unnecessary. When he does transpose it for piano about one and a half minutes into the piece, it is covered and flourished with trills and ornaments which does the melody no justice because one feels it hasn’t been sufficiently played out and expressed independently. The ballet also included variations on Chopin’s Là ci darem la mano, which he had varied from Mozart’s Don Giovanni, and his Andante Spianato et Grande Polonaise Brillante, but it was the little theme from the Fantasy on Polish Airs which became the characteristic of the ballet. Audiences often speak of proving an opera or ballet’s quality by seeing how many melodies one can carry back home after the performance is finished. After seeing A Month in the Country for the first time, this particular theme stuck with me for three and a half years, and continues not to be forgotten – even when so many others fly their nest and ask for a reintroduction.

Continuing to explore the ingenious usage of orchestral arrangement, one of the most striking and greatest opuses in ballet music is a Tchaikovsky ballet with origins not from Tchaikovsky. Tchaikovsky may have had the fate and genius to compose Eugene Onegin, but, having put the opera aside, he didn’t think to do a ballet alternative. And why should he have? But luckily we were left far from deprived. In 1966 the South-African choreographer John Cranko, who is hardly remembered today, choreographed his own Onegin from music from Tchaikovsky’s Seasons, Francesca da Rimini, and the opera Eugene Onegin. The arrangement by pianist and composer Kurt-Heinz Stolze, one might say, could have taught Tchaikovsky some novel and inspiring things. Francesca da Rimini is a great work; The Seasons less so.

In the final six minutes of the ballet Stolze combined the two to make an abridged version of Francesca da Rimini with layers of The Seasons, as though to make the perfect version together from both. It was like taking two cakes, one with plain, tasteless filling and the other with a tasteless sponge, and deciding to mould the most delicious in both desserts. This was the music to Onegin, which, one could argue, set the scene and feeling as perfectly as Tchaikovsky had for his opera. Whereas Francesca da Rimini spends twenty-three minutes revolving around the same theme, straying away from it, wavering around a diminuendo and returning to crescendo, the same theme unravelled in six minutes at the end of this ballet, yet reached its conclusion just as dramatically. Sometimes one wonders whether some composers (even geniuses) might not still be in need of some assistance.

Of course the possible damage which orchestrators and conductors might do to music composed one-hundred, two-hundred or more years ago, can be significant. When we look at (or hear) music composed by Tchaikovsky or Chopin, we often think that spoiling any parts of their music would be a criminal act. This is true, for ninety-nine per cent of cases, and the music we have should be left as it is. But the later ballets have occasionally succeeding in improvising with this ballet, whilst squeezing nothing Tchaikovsky-like or Chopinesque from it. There are many ballets which we never had and could only dream of; a ballet of Shakespeare’s Othello, for instance; or of Turgenev’s First Love or the Torrents of Spring. Sometimes Romantic composers’ music simply resembles the period. And, as some choreographers and arrangers have proven, sometimes a vraisemblance to a period and atmosphere is all that’s necessary.

One to watch: Clean Bandit

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‘So, you think electric music is boring? You think it’s stupid? You think it’s repetitive? Well, it is repetitive.’

There aren’t many nominees from the global Institution of Chemical Engineers who moonlight as MCs for cutting-edge ‘electronic chamber music’ groups. Actually, there aren’t many ‘electronic chamber music’ groups. MC Ssegamic, with a gorgeously unusual voice, is an undeniably sexy ‘lovely man’ in ‘chinos’, who fronts six-piece set Clean Bandit, previously seen at lesser known alternative music venue Christ Church Commemoration Ball. Their second single Mozart’s House went on sale on iTunes earlier this week, and is an absolute delight. Warner Brothers and Mercury Records have both given them enthusiastic nods, but been eschewed in favour of more songwriting time, and the development of their own production label, Incredible Industries.

The six-piece set (for whom Jesus College, Cambridge is alma mater) boasts between them five to seven Cambridge degrees, excellent balance (see the second half of the ‘Telephone Banking’ video) and a fascinating blend of classical strings, electronica and hip-hop. It sounds like a recipe for disaster – and indeed, it definitely should be – but somehow, they pull it off with a great deal of style. This is hip-hop with intelligent design.

Born of four-piece strings group ‘The Chatto Quartet’, with a background in everything from Russian to Architecture to alternative-fuel research; Clean Bandit could be misconstrued as being a little highbrow. Fortunately, their sound is fresh and easy to listen to, with a real sense of fun. The video for Telephone Banking, their first single reflects as much, with an infinite number of Japanese schoolchildren providing background sounds on both cellos and Sega Game Gears.

So, what’s it like? Nothing, really – and it’s so much the better for it.

The video for ‘Telephone Banking’ can be found here.

Quality Street?: Michaelmas drama

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Beyond the tinsel and the presents, the carols, and even the nativity, lurks the true heart of Christmas. It is, of course, the selection box of chocolates; cloistered in its golden cardboard sanctuary lies a multifarious feast, truly evocative of the yuletide season. Before you complain, I concede that I’m stretching it a bit, but the token gifts shared between those whom we know well enough to warrant some sort of seasonal offering, yet not well enough to have the inclination to tramp along a high street in pursuit of something meaningful nevertheless prove a useful festive metaphor through which to briefly examine some of the dramatic exploits of last Michaelmas. Now shove a praline in your mouth and read on.


Truffle – Posh

Laura Wade’s Posh was unlikely to disappoint. It exuded class – both in its thematic content and in the superbly slick manner of its delivery. Rich, satisfying, and dark, the production at the Union was hard to fault.

The Chewy Caramel – Antony and Cleopatra

Any production of Shakespeare is likely to have a bit of a leg-up, just from the sheer quality of the writing. It is, undoubtedly, why the playwright’s work remains ubiquitous on the drama scene. Yet Tara Isabella Burton’s refusal to cut enough of the script meant that this term’s Anthony and Cleopatra simply became tedious. Unlike its chocolaty counterpart, there was no option just to spit it out – it had to be endured to its very end.

Sickly Strawberry – The Two Cultures

In The Two Cultures, writer and director David Kell managed to create a production that sounded intriguing and appealing, yet was a painful disappointment. Like the confectionary to which I liken it, it seemed to have a lot of promise, innovation, and appeal, until it was actually experienced. Patronising in both writing and staging, the play was saved only by some good acting performances.

The errant Smartie – Noughts and Crosses

Though enjoyable (and perhaps for all the wrong reasons) the shambolic Noughts and Crosses seemed out of place amongst the other dramatic offerings. The actors had their work cut out for them trying to make something of what felt like a dreadfully juvenile script. It was certainly colourful, yet the production was of a much lower quality to the rest of the selection of drama seen last term. It was, however, a light-hearted way to look back at a classic of the ‘pre-teen’ genre.

The wrapped up one – Clytemnestra

In every selection box there seems to be an obligatory outsider, a chocolate encased in its own coloured wrapping. For those that can resist immediate gluttony and have the bravery to forestall their pleasure by taking the time to unwrap it, the rewards of finest quality are often revealed. So it was with the Greek play – Clytemnestra – performed in its original classical language at the Playhouse. Though at first daunting, it proved an evening of surprisingly excellent entertainment.

Before my tenuous conceit becomes even more dilapidated then when I began, I shall wrap it up there, and simply bid you all a very merry Christmas: and a happy new year to boot.

 

Political pens

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Though South Africa’s history has been propelled more by legal writ than literary experimentation or success, its few illustrious persons of letters are starkly noticeable and world-renowned, belonging now to a ‘commonwealth’ (or postcolonial) literature rather than a unique tradition. Perhaps this is right; but in the process South Africans have become disenfranchised from their literary history. As Churchill could tell you, refusing to learn from history might cause history to repeat itself. This is a problem at which the currently much-debated secrecy bill – the notorious ‘Protection of Information Bill’ which was passed this November by the South African National Assembly without a public interest clause – might hint.

I was educated at a provincial English high school in South Africa, where we read a bit of Wordsworth, a smidgen of Blake, and Shakespeare yearly. But no Schreiner, Paton, Coetzee, or Gordimer. The high school library was closed the year I entered. It seems a hostile climate to suckle a literary culture.
When I visit home, I look for signs that this is changing: for literary magazines on the shelves (there are still none) and larger local fiction sections in bookshops. Yet the grand dames and messieurs of South African fiction whose works criticized the apartheid regime: Nadine Gordimer, Doris Lessing, and J.M Coetzee (who has since emigrated to Australia) and Athol Fugard, have won Nobels and other international prizes and have passed into the pantheon of laureates.
While still thin on the ground, local fiction under democracy is slowly gathering speed, and it too has a voice of protest. Amongst the new generation of South African writers, Damon Galgut, twice nominated for the Man-Booker Prize, is the predominant figure. Galgut is carrying J.M. Coetzee’s mantle with his lean unsentimental prose and its hidden resonances, and his aimless male protagonists in strangely hostile circumstances. The Good Doctor (2003), a novel about a man in an ineffectual hospital in the hinterland haunted by a past occupation, is especially recommended. Ivan Vladislavic, whose Keys of the City was an unexpected paean to the unlikeable city of Johannesburg, is on the rise. Like Galgut, Vladislavic works in the male province of Paul Auster, but turns his pen to the puzzles and inconsistences posed by the new South Africa: its petty corruption, racial tensions, and bureaucracy.
Marlene van Niekerk’s Agaat, the story of a paralyzed woman and her fraught relationship with her coloured nurse, once something of a daughter, yields in translation from the Afrikaans a surprising richness and unexpected lyricism. It seems the story of this country’s fiction is mistaken underestimation. Yet this novel too is ‘about’ race.
One wonders whether or not South African fiction is destined for topical restriction. Will it always be ‘about’ something? Or conversely, is it possible to tell a story in South Africa without it being corralled by issues: colonialism and history, apartheid, racism, and crime?
If the secrecy bill – the ANC’s method of silencing government critique, punishing offenders with up to 25 years in prison – continues, South African fiction may have to replace journalism as it did under apartheid. As the bill circulates in parliament, writers and editors are watching carefully to see the fate of the written word in the New South Africa.

Though South Africa’s history has been propelled more by legal writ than literary experimentation or success, its few illustrious persons of letters are starkly noticeable and world-renowned, belonging now to a ‘commonwealth’ (or postcolonial) literature rather than a unique tradition. Perhaps this is right; but in the process South Africans have become disenfranchised from their literary history. As Churchill could tell you, refusing to learn from history might cause history to repeat itself. This is a problem at which the currently much-debated secrecy bill – the notorious ‘Protection of Information Bill’ which was passed this November by the South African National Assembly without a public interest clause – might hint.

I was educated at a provincial English high school in South Africa, where we read a bit of Wordsworth, a smidgen of Blake, and Shakespeare yearly. But no Schreiner, Paton, Coetzee, or Gordimer. The high school library was closed the year I entered. It seems a hostile climate to suckle a literary culture.

When I visit home, I look for signs that this is changing: for literary magazines on the shelves (there are still none) and larger local fiction sections in bookshops. Yet the grand dames and messieurs of South African fiction whose works criticized the apartheid regime: Nadine Gordimer, Doris Lessing, and J.M Coetzee (who has since emigrated to Australia) and Athol Fugard, have won Nobels and other international prizes and have passed into the pantheon of laureates.

While still thin on the ground, local fiction under democracy is slowly gathering speed, and it too has a voice of protest. Amongst the new generation of South African writers, Damon Galgut, twice nominated for the Man-Booker Prize, is the predominant figure. Galgut is carrying J.M. Coetzee’s mantle with his lean unsentimental prose and its hidden resonances, and his aimless male protagonists in strangely hostile circumstances. The Good Doctor (2003), a novel about a man in an ineffectual hospital in the hinterland haunted by a past occupation, is especially recommended. Ivan Vladislavic, whose Keys of the City was an unexpected paean to the unlikeable city of Johannesburg, is on the rise. Like Galgut, Vladislavic works in the male province of Paul Auster, but turns his pen to the puzzles and inconsistences posed by the new South Africa: its petty corruption, racial tensions, and bureaucracy.

Marlene van Niekerk’s Agaat, the story of a paralyzed woman and her fraught relationship with her coloured nurse, once something of a daughter, yields in translation from the Afrikaans a surprising richness and unexpected lyricism. It seems the story of this country’s fiction is mistaken underestimation. Yet this novel too is ‘about’ race.

One wonders whether or not South African fiction is destined for topical restriction. Will it always be ‘about’ something? Or conversely, is it possible to tell a story in South Africa without it being corralled by issues: colonialism and history, apartheid, racism, and crime?

If the secrecy bill – the ANC’s method of silencing government critique, punishing offenders with up to 25 years in prison – continues, South African fiction may have to replace journalism as it did under apartheid. As the bill circulates in parliament, writers and editors are watching carefully to see the fate of the written word in the New South Africa.

Vacation in Vienna

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Travels in China

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Forbidden City, Beijing

 

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Muslim Quarter, Xi’an

 

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Xi’an

 

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Stele Forest, Xi’an

 

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Qingyin Ping (Pure Sound Pavillion), Emei Shan

 

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Dinner, Chongqing

 

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One of the best meals I’ve ever had, Chongqing

 

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Wu Xia, Yangtze River

 

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Shanghai

 

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Behind the Bund, Shanghai

 

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Yangshuo

Christmas TV worth watching

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Matt Izard and Ruby Riley give an overview of the Christmas TV to watch over the festive period.

Bod’s book switch completed on schedule

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The Bodleian Libraries yesterday finished a transfer of 7 million books from Oxford to a purpose built warehouse 28 miles away in Swindon.

The Book Storing Facility (BSF), which cost £26 million to create, covers 13 acres and has 153 miles of shelving. It is the new home of some of the Bodleian’s lesser-used material.

The biggest book move in the Bodleian’s history was completed on schedule on December 23rd, and has been hailed as “an extraordinary success”.

Librarian Sarah Thomas said, ‘This has been an important year in the history of the Bodleian.

‘We have tagged and moved all our books, relocated our staff, prepared the New Bodleian building for its redevelopment, opened new facilities for readers in the heart of Oxford and refreshed and developed our IT capabilities.

‘With our new storage facility at Swindon and renewed spaces for study in place or under development in the heart of Oxford, our readers can look forward to significant enhancements to our services in 2012 and beyond.”

With the huge task of storing a copy of every book published in the UK, the Bodleian Libraries had recently been struggling to contain their immense number of volumes. Before the move, the situation was labelled by staff as “desperate”, as overcrowded stacks operated at 130% of their capacity.

The new warehouse, which has the potential to be developed and expanded as bookstores continue to increase, has 3,224 bays with 95,000 shelf levels, as well as 600 map cabinets. These hold over a million maps.

Students have been told that if they order a book from the new unit by 10am, it should be delivered to the Oxford reading room of their choice by 3pm the same day.

Library staff use forklift trucks to retrieve books which are then transported to Oxford by road in a twice-daily service. Meanwhile some items will be scanned and sent to students’ computers electronically. It is estimated there will be 200,000 requests for items each year.

Amy Rollason, a second-year English student at Brasenose, commented, “It seems to have been done very effectively and with little unnecessary disruption. The side-effect of having more journals available online will be a real plus, benefiting those who don’t use the Bod itself as often as well.”

Patrick Reid, a Lincoln medic, also praised the Bodleian’s efforts, suggesting, “This is an impressive milestone for the libraries.” First-year Natasha Heliotis particularly applauded the efficiency of the links between the BSF and Oxford reading rooms, telling Cherwell: “I can’t believe they get sent so soon after ordering!”

Students targeted by student loan scams

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Students across the country have been receiving emails fraudulently claiming to be from the Student Loans Company in a recent wave of phishing scams. The emails often come from seemingly official email addresses and ask students to verify or update their personal account and bank details. Many scammers then use these details to access bank accounts and steal thousands of pounds at a time from unsuspecting students.

Oxford students reported receiving emails only yesterday which stated, ‘This is a formal notification of an important account update. Due to a recent update in our database we require all student to update their account information to ensure you receive your scheduled payment and avoid a missed payment.’

The SLC, which has more than 4 million customers, has been working closely with the Metropolitan Police Service in attempt to combat the fraudsters. On Thursday 8th December police arrested six people in connection with an investigation into a sophisticated phishing scam that targeted hundreds of UK students, using their compromised data to steal in excess of £1 million.

The SLC website also adds that ‘so far this year the security and fraud prevention team has closed down over 1400 external phishing sites after they were reported to us.’

However, it seems that despite this action the scams continue, taking advantage of concerned students shortly due to receive the next instalment of their loan.

Student Loans Company’s Fraud Manager, Heather Laing, has given a statement saying, ‘We want students to be aware that these scam emails are in circulation now and they should not respond to these.’

She advised all students to ‘ignore messages that tell you to ‘validate your account’ or provide any personal, security or banking details as the Student Loans Company will never ask you to confirm your information in this way.’

A student guide to Christmas shopping

We all know how it is: during this penny-pinching Recession, the festive season is always the worst. Especially for us students. Having scraped through 8th week on the last of our student loan (that is, if we haven’t already had to raid The Parental Bank) the last thing we need is to have to find the cash to buy probably unappreciated presents for the beloved family. Yes, the fully stocked fridge is a perk of going home for Christmas, but after our claims of ‘I’m only going to spend 80 euros all week on Varsity’ proved entirely unrealistic, we think its optimistic that we’ll be able to fund our Christmas socializing, never mind Christmas shopping. But don’t panic, we’re here to help: here are our top tips for Christmas shopping on a shoestring.

An excellent way to save money at Christmas time is to go down the route followed by all primary school children: make it yourself. A handmade present is literally impossible to criticise, whether or not it’s a work of art/useful/eye-wateringly bad. Hand-made pencil organisers or other such almost useful ornaments are a great angle to take. For the full effect why not make a photo frame and fill it with photos from childhood. The sentimentality that this will inspire makes it impossible for any family member to remember that the person who made this is at university, and should actually be able to stretch to a photo frame that hasn’t been made from a cereal box.

In this era of digital music that comes at a pretty low price, that is if you even pay for music, the mixtape is king. A selection of songs that you already own to fit your particular target, the coolest songs on your iPod for the girl you’re trying to impress, a selection of songs from The X Factor for the parents, Steps’ greatest hits for someone who has wronged you in the past, burnt onto a cd that you’ve stolen from the study. To make it look like you’ve really gone the extra mile, print out a cover and tracklisting and stick it onto a case. It’s not even as if making the thing is an issue: there’s no more carefully preparing a cassette. Just drag and drop the playlist from iTunes.

Charity shops are an excellent way of making your money appear as though it has gone further than it actually has. It’s also good for making yourself look that little bit alternative. Just go to a charity shop and look for what looks the most current/the most retro/the most wearable/the most hideous thing possible. People have different aims when they go to charity shops. And if they don’t like it, you were doing it for the orphans anyway.

One word: regifting. This is probably the best way of ensuring that you don’t have to spend any money, and that the person in question might actually get something they want. With a few minor precautions, this route can be foolproof. Firstly, don’t give the present back to the person who gave it to you. Obvious, yes, but still important. Secondly, check the present for a personal dedication: there is almost no way of talking your way out of it when cousin Jonny gets a book ‘To Nick, Christmas 2009, love Grandpa’. If this works for you this year, then it’s worth making a note of the presents with potential for next year’s regifting. After all, being prepared is half the battle.

This next idea involves some serious considerations, as it could quite easily come across that you’re either too lazy or too cheap to go to the effort of finding an actual present. This, of course, is true, but it’s key that you maintain the illusion of genuinely thinking the person in question would prefer a ‘voucher’ for something rather than a material good. By ‘voucher’, we mean something along the lines of ‘three night’s babysitting’ or ‘I’ll clean your room for a week’.

If worst comes to worst, there’s always theft. We don’t mean for you to take up a life of crime, and start stealing from shops, or strangers for that matter. But we’ve found that if you look hard enough around the house there’ll always be something that has either been forgotten about, or was never wanted in the first place which you can legitimately give to an unsuspecting relative. If said item has lain unused for long enough, it might even be possible to give it back to its original owner. Bold, we know, but worth it for the banter even if it does go wrong.

A final way of securing a cheap Christmas present is to give something that you already want, making it practically free as a present. This can be done with varying degrees of subtlety: either go for something such as a DVD that you’ve wanted to watch, or just go all out and get your balding father a pair of GHDs. Key to this present idea is making sure you can get some use of the gift, otherwise it may backfire significantly leaving you unable to get your chance to play Call of Duty as it’s never out of your grandparents hands.