Sunday 28th December 2025
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The Lion, the Witch and the…Closet?

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As a six-year-old in New York, I was sophisticated enough to know what a wardrobe was when I first happened upon the term in the title of the most famous of C. S. Lewis’ Narnia books. But it surprised many of my friends in Britain to hear that such knowledge isn’t universal among American kids.


The reason for this is, of course, that in most American homes, wardrobes are the exception, not the rule. Closets in which to hang your clothes, line up your shoes, and organize any and all other manner of wearable items are de rigueur. Like wardrobes, closets vary in size – though in my own experience have been much larger, some as small as a midsized wardrobe, others as large as a very small specimen of a fresher’s room here in Oxford.


But unlike wardrobes, closets are built in to a house; you can’t take one with you when you leave a house behind. And they’re something you step into, not up into – which can make all the difference to a child. I wanted my parents to go out and buy a wardrobe for months after reading The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe – of course they didn’t, but I begged because I thought that I too could discover Narnia, if only I had the proper gateway at my disposal.


I never once considered the possibility that a closet might lead me to this land of magic in the same way. And throughout the rest of my childhood, though I spoke in the American tongue and read many books written in a decidedly British tone, I never fused the ideas of the two objects together, never quite conceptualized the notion that to have one was to replace the other, that to have both would be impractical.


Until, that is, I came to Oxford, and discovered in my room a pale wardrobe – much smaller than my closet at home. Struggling to shove all of my things into it at every possible angle, I found myself for the first time yearning for a closet instead. My dreams had come full circle – twelve years later, I was in the land that was once the home of the man who created Narnia – and I no longer wished for a wardrobe.

God, silence and plant porn

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Picture this – a successful writer and philosopher undertakes the project of filling a room with rhododendrons, while projecting down from the ceiling film footage specifically designed to be as sexually ‘titillating’ for the audience (the plants, obviously) as possible. In other words, creating the world’s first plant pornography theatre. Taken out of context, this perhaps seems to be the work of a clinically eccentric gardener, with a chronic attachment to the liberal welfare of his vegetables. However, what if I told you this were a work of conceptual art, throwing in a venerable institution like the Tate Modern for good measure? Heck, let’s even say Mr Hirst himself is in on it, with franchises in testosterone implanted chlorophyll (not strictly true).

This isn’t Performance Art with a capital P, but this is an art project – with a difference. Jonathon Keats aims to use the traditional philosophical method of a thought experiment and play it out in real time. There is only one thread which appears to tie together the diverse and multifarious projects he undertakes, and that is an unabashed cultivation of the absurd. ‘The world is a fairly ridiculous place, so the absurdity is rather easy to come by – it’s almost the default.’ Keats aims to stretch, contort and unravel the assumptions underlying our everyday lives – to rewind our cerebral hemispheres back to their childlike states of curiosity about the world around them.
Keats earnestly explained to me what led him to fill this apparent gap in the film industry. Having become interested in filmmaking, he realised that in such a competitive field already overpopulated by many very talented directors, his chances of success were not exactly astronomical. ‘So I thought perhaps I should look towards an audience that they had not.’ As well as being somewhat more populous than humans, plants are ‘incredibly adept at perceiving what film uses as the medium of expression – light.’

Keats however came upon something of a brick wall: ‘I’m not a plant and I don’t really know what they’d like or enjoy.’ However, it then dawned on him that ‘an awful lot of [directors] got their start in pornography and that’s something that really seems to appeal to a lot of people and would also probably appeal to a lot of plants.’ Having acknowledged that ‘what would titillate them would not titillate us’, Keats set about filming a plant’s-eye-view of the lighting effects created as bees hover over flowers during the lusty act of pollination. ‘Taking out all the extraneous information such as colour and shade’, the resulting black-and-white footage was projected at plants from high above and run for several weeks firstly in a Californian gallery, and later at Montana State University.

Deciding that ‘I don’t want to be a pornographer my entire life’, as well as feeling some sympathy for plants (such as asexual ferns) which may not actually enjoy porn, Keats took on a new mission. ‘Plant roots are firmly in the ground, they don’t get to go anywhere. So I decided to make them travel documentaries – filming in Italy. If you’re a plant, of course you don’t really care about the Eiffel tower or the usual tourist hotspots, what you care about is the sky. So over the course of about a month or so I filmed the sky in various weather conditions in Northern Italy.’ This footage was then shown to plants resident in New York at the AC Institute in the lower West side area of Chelsea. Keats solemnly declares total ‘commitment and integrity’ towards this project – ‘I would never film the skies in San Francisco and say they were from Europe, although that would be more convenient. That would be cheating the plants and cheating the art.’

After this intriguing, yet amusing discussion we move onto the somewhat sober trail of discourse this piece aims to raise among the humans observing and talking about such an ‘experiment’. Keats is no idiot and evidently he has deliberately cultivated humour in his work: ‘there’s a sort of reorientation and it starts usually with laughter! It gets back to this very basic idea of absurdity, and back to this very basic way in which I go about my thought experiments creating these fabulistic worlds and alternate universes that feel very much like ours. We think we know our ways around but something is really amiss. Generally the world we experience is by and large on a screen. So putting the plants into our position becomes a way that we can look at the world as if we were foreign to it – we can look at and explore what we do on an everyday basis from outside of ourselves.’

At the heart of his work is a craving, driven by his horror at the ‘cloistered’ activity that academic philosophy has in his mind become, to take his training in philosophy out to the world at large, luring it back into the eggshell-laden sphere of public discourse. He is a philosopher in the most traditional sense, but also a self-confessed ‘dilettante.’ In his exploits to create absurd ‘counterfactual’ situations where ‘all the furniture is on the ceiling rather than on the floor’ he has dabbled in nearly every industry around. This ranged from the intentionally pseudo-scientific (attempting to genetically engineer God in collaboration with scientists at the University of California: God is apparently a form of cyanobacterium), to the financial (creating an antimatter economy according to the laws of quantum physics), to real estate (selling property in the fourth dimension), to theatre (choreographing a ballet for honeybees at the Armand Hammer Museum) and most recently accomplishing NASA’s next aims in space travel a decade or two early (the catch? The astronauts were cacti).

One of the most intriguing of all Keats’ projects however was very much a part of himself. He patented his own brain. Designating it the status of a sculpture created through the act of thinking, he explains, ‘my mind is formed through the act of thinking and is unique to my thought processes.’ The roots of this project lie planted in the traditional struggle of the artist for immortality. Since copyright law gives 70 years of intellectual property rights post-death, Keats reasoned that this would at least give him a seven decade post-life extension.

When contemplating which industry would humour such wacky exploits, Keats settled on the art world. As a channel through which to present his ‘real time thought experiments’ to the public he decided ‘there really isn’t any space in society that is open to that kind of vague proposition except perhaps for the art world. The art world doesn’t really know what it is up to and hasn’t for about a century – ever since the academies gave way to various forms of modernism. This confusion – which is a problem in its own right in some respects – also affords enormous freedom to anyone who decides to be an artist.’ He has not escaped the claws of public criticism altogether, although he is somewhat intrigued at their choice of target. ‘More people got angry because I created a 4 minute, 33 second silent ringtone (read: John Cage remix) that I made available for free, than did when I attempted to genetically engineer God in a Petri dish.’

Although he appreciates any public input into his work, he aims to avoid people ‘thinking that [he] must be making fun of them,’ which he sees as the cause of such resentment. ‘People say, ‘it can’t be that simple, so therefore he must be doing something to show he’s smarter than I am, and therefore he must be making fun of me, and therefore I hate him.” He is not blind to the fact that this is certainly a problem in the world of conceptual art as a whole, although feels that much of this work is probably not quite as frank in terms of what it aims to address. ‘I don’t think art becomes valuable because it is set apart from life, I think it becomes valuable because of the way it is integrated into life. Art has for millennia been one of the most enriching experiences any society has and to lose that would be a sad thing.’

Not wanting to confine himself to the art world of only one planet, Keats was soon exploring the art world of life from other galaxies. He translated signals picked up from outer space into colour, translated time into space, and projected this visually onto a canvas. ‘What it looked like to me was perhaps extraterrestrial abstract artwork, with the caveat that I of course don’t know yet what this would be like, so it could be a still life or portrait for all I know!’ Having exhibited this in a museum shortly after, he wanted to ‘reciprocate on this generous intergalactic loan’ and sent out his own signals of abstract art into the cosmos. ‘I was interested in what goes on in our everyday communication, by taking the extreme case of extraterrestrial communication.’ What he did mirrors the fact that we can never communicate with each other without bringing in our own assumptions – ‘which is how we end up with warfare, but also how we end up with poetry.’

Keats makes the large majority of his living through his successful role as a writer and fabulist. He notes that this in no way clashes with his role as a conceptual artist and philosopher: ‘This is a fantasy world that I create, I am a fabulist.’ Essentially Keats has made a life of not only indulging in childhood curiosity, but ‘returning back to life and acting on it.’ He sees his approach to the world as more banal than most people would allow themselves, rather than that of a surreal maverick. ‘I try to provide a space, aside from that within which we live ordinarily, that may allow us to distance ourselves from life a little bit, to peer in, alter a few measurements and then step back and make a few changes.’ For the sceptics there is always Plato, but I think this guy seems much more fun.

Virtual Words: Language on the Edge of Science and Technology (Oxford University Press) is out now, RRP £12.99

First night review: Troilus and Cressida

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This week the Magdalen Players, in association with OUDS, perform Troilus and Cressida. One of William Shakespeare’s ‘problem plays,’ the play lurches from comedy to tragedy all under the guise of presenting a history of the Trojan War. The modernity of the play is striking — most of all for its refusal to ape Shakespeare’s formulas. There is no Fortinbras here; nor any final tragic act to reunite feuding families. The play leaves much unresolved, almost stubbornly refusing to force a melodramatic ending. As the director, Rafaella Marcus, points out in the programme, “this is Shakespeare at his most starkly realistic.”

It is quite fitting that Marcus, a veteran in the Oxford theatre community, decided to modernize the presentation. The set was minimalist (four crates, three ladders, and two banners), the play was in the round, and the costuming was anything but period. These decisions lent an edge to the play which succeeded in Marcus’ desire to resonate “so completely with our modern conflicts.” The images of manipulation and betrayal, present throughout the script, were highlighted by these directorial decisions. The power of the words and of the performances were plain for the audience to see, unobstructed by sets, and undistracted by elaborate scene changes. Marcus went a bit far, however, with some of the modernizations. The inclusion of a radio announcing battlefield events and of air-raid sirens to announce attacks jarred in juxtaposition with swordfights and ritualized battlefield meetings between Greek and Trojan heroes.

The titular roles, played by Chris Adams and Charlotte Salkind, were well cast and subtly acted. Adams and Salkind didn’t balk at the strange chemistry required of Shakespearean lovers — giddy joy, o’er-expressed feelings, and simple naïveté. They never lost the sub-text, and it was a delight to watch both negotiate the fine line between hiding their characters’ feelings from their stage partners while simultaneously revealing the inner turmoil to the audience. However, it was Richard Hill, in the role of Pandarus, who really stood out. While Hector, Patroclus, Diomedes, and countless other parts were over-played, Hill’s portrayal of an ambitious, loving, and manipulative uncle was consistently refreshing. His subtlety, as well as a brilliant choice to draw out a homosexual subtext in his relationship with Paris, made his character deep, moving, funny, and endearing. Even more than Hector’s death, Pandarus’ fall from grace is the true tragedy of the play. Rightly, its Hill’s acting that represents the play’s finest moments.

As a whole, the performance and direction are impressive. Yet the whole falls short of the sum of its parts, mainly because of issues with the script. The play didn’t translate into the social structures of the early seventeenth century, and it still jars the viewer with a mix of cultural norms which are hard to reconcile. There’s a reason it wasn’t performed until the mid-nineteenth century (and only rarely after that). Shakespeare had a way with words, but Homer simply told this story better.

The fight continues…

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(Lauri Saksa)

 

 

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Cowley complaints

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Local residents have spoken out against plans to redevelop the site of a defunct gym on Cowley Road to create twelve en-suite student flats.
For the plan to go ahead, it must be sanctioned by Oxford City Council, but four councillors, including Council Leader Bob Price, have referred the matter to the Cowley Area Committee for discussion.

Price said, “We are never certain on the dimensions on planning applications like this in East Oxford, or the impact they will have on the community. So members often call in proposals like this so we can look at them closely. It gives the public and council members a chance to look at everything in detail, and potentially ask for necessary changes.”

He cited the concerns felt by local residents as, “collection of rubbish, maintenance, noise and parking,” adding that, “all plans need to be looked at carefully in respect of the area, especially in a crowded community like that on Cowley Road.”

The developers have sought to placate local residents by assuring them that students accommodated in the new apartments will be forbidden from bringing cars with them.

Elizabeth Mills, Chairperson of the Divinity Road Residents’ Association, complained that this policy is “completely unenforceable.”

Earlier this week, residents also held meetings with the University over other plans to demolish three buildings in order to make way for a new medical research centres.

Members of the local community fear that the £57 million development will only fuel the traffic problems.

Some students have branded the current outcry over accommodation mere “scapegoating”.

“They’re just taking the opportunity to whine about the students,” said Tom, a second year student at Brookes’ Headington Campus, who lives near the Cowley Road, and brings his car with him to university. “It’s a student area; if you don’t like students, maybe you shouldn’t live here”.

Elizabeth Mills, however, worries that “the University is turning Cowley Road into a student union. More houses for families need to be repossessed from students, who do not contribute to the local community.”

Julia Hamilton, a Visiting Student at Mansfield College, sees the increasing levels of student accommodation as a positive development.
“At the moment private buy-to-let owners have this monopoly offering substandard housing at a premium because students have no choice but to take it,” she said.

“Perhaps if students were offered nicer accommodation, there would be more of an incentive to look after the local area.”

A residents’ meeting about the plans was held on Wednesday night and public consultation over the application continues.

Stash gets cleaner

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At an OUSU meeting on Wednesday evening two motions were passed in favour of ethically manufactured student stash.

Cherwell originally reported on the dubious ethical credentials of university branded clothing last term, and since then the campaign has been consolidated under the name ‘Buy Right’, part of OUSU’s Environment and Ethics committee.

It aims to ensure the Oxford crest does not appear on any clothing which has been made my people who have been exploited in sweat shops.

Sean Robinson, a student at the Queen’s College who proposed the motions, said that the fact that both motions passed unopposed “shows the support this issue has amongst the student community”.

The first motion resolved to “encourage common rooms to mandate Environment & Ethics reps to be responsible for ensuring that … all clothing that is bought by the common room or groups related to the common room is ethically produced”.

The second motion noted that “it is not uncommon for (often female) factory workers to be sexually abused at their work place, not have the right to unionise, receive no healthcare and/or education, earn wages as low as five pence per hour, work up to 18 hour shifts and 80 hours per week”.

The motion mandated the E&E committee to campaign for Oxford Limited, a business subsidiary of the University responsible for the global licensing of the Oxford brand, to affiliate with the Workers’ Rights Consortium (WRC). The WRC is an independent US organisation which monitors companies in order to protect the rights of workers in garment production.

Robinson told Cherwell, “If Oxford Ltd want, as they claim, to ensure good conditions for their workers, why are they keeping those conditions secret? Harvard have done it, Princeton have done it: 188 colleges and universities have signed up to the Workers Rights Consortium: why won’t Oxford?”

Campaigners have drawn attention to the cause with fundraisers such as a 2011 calendar various sports teams and societies posing nude with the slogan, “I’d rather go naked than wear sweatshop”.

Robinson said, “The campaign is gaining momentum with many things scheduled this term such as a make your own stash event and the release of an ethical procurement handbook for JCRs”.

Oxford invests in healthcare

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Oxford University will invest over £11 million to re-house the Jericho Health Care Centre in the site of the former Radcliffe Infirmary as part of the University’s plan to “accommodate new teaching and learning space over the next twenty years”.

Proposals for the move described the existing healthcare facility in Jericho as “a building that has become unsuitable for the services it provides.”

The new health care centre will have three GP Surgeries as well as “training, education, visiting consultant services and approved complementary health services”.

Students have agreed about the inadequacy of the existing building.
“I think the facilities that exist currently are inadequate to meet student demand” commented a second year Medic at St Peter’s.
“Every time that I’ve tried to book an appointment, there’s always a delay.”

A player for the University rugby team said, “It will be good to extend healthcare facilities outside the hospital.

“It’s quite inconvenient for a lot of people to go all the way to the JR for physiotherapy. I recently did in my shoulder and moving follow-up care to Jericho would save me a lot of time.”

The University purchased the the Radcliffe Infirmary site in 2003 in order “to provide facilities befitting its international reputation as an institution of learning that will positively reflect upon the historic city of Oxford”.

The new centre is part of a purchase arrangement with the National Health Service which legally obliges the University to provide a site for a health centre.

A spokesperson for the University commented, “The new health centre is being built to honour an agreement arising from a condition of the sale of the Radcliffe Infirmary site to the University, and space in the building will be leased to support the costs.”

“The result will be a larger health centre with modern facilities, a very considerable improvement on the present surgery, and this will benefit all patients.”

The surgeries were contacted but were unavailable to comment.

An alternative jumble sale

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On Saturday supporters of the Yes to Fairer Votes campaign gathered in Oxford to hold a “jumble sale with a difference”.

Instead the traditional car-boot sale fare, the campaigners sold items synonymous with the expenses scandal of last year, such as rubber ducks and toilet seats. The jumble sale aimed to encourage an “out with the old” attitude, consigning such scandals to the past.

Organisers hoped to raise awareness and encourage voters to support the referendum on adopting the Alternative Vote. The supporters believe the Alternative Vote will make it easier for voters to directly hold MPs to account, as they would have to get 50% support from their constituents to secure election.

Chris Carrigan, Chair of the Yes to Fairer Votes Oxfordshire campaign said, “The New Year is here and voters have a historic chance to throw out the old politics of scandal and jobs for life.”

Duncan Moore, an activist and Biochemistry student at Oxford, said, “The Alternative Vote may be a small change, but it will make a big difference to people like me who have to look at the electoral maths as much as the policies when we decide how to vote.”

Andrew Mell, the group’s press officer, told Cherwell that among those campaigning, “there was very much a mix of town and gown”.

He said they were looking to organise similar events in order to raise awareness before the referendum.

St Anne’s skiers face Dean

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Every member of St Anne’s College who went on the Varsity ski trip at Christmas was summoned to see the Dean this week.

The request follows stories in the press of the antics in the Valley Rally contest, a competition on the final day of the trip to win a free skiing holiday. The winners of th contest, members of St Anne’s College, were mentioned specifically.

Students participated in a number of challenges in the competition, including smashing an egg in the most imaginative way possible, posing naked for pictures in front of a crowd of hundreds of people, and eating “yellow snow”.

In a recent email, the St Anne’s Dean, Dr Geraldine Hazburn, stated that although she understood there were varied levels of involvement with the story that ended up in the papers, she wished to speak with everyone nonetheless to discuss the behaviour of those concerned.

During the meeting, which took place on Monday evening, the Dean attempted to counter the tales being circulated by asking students for some positive feedback and what had been good about Varsity.

The meeting has been described by students as not disciplinary, and just intended to garner information about the trip so that the students could be represented in a balanced way to College authorities. Dr Hazburn declined to comment to Cherwell about the situation.

It is understood that students were told they had violated College regulations. It is stated in St Anne’s College Regulations that “No junior member shall intentionally or recklessly engage in conduct likely to bring the College into disrepute.”

“In cases where there is an allegation of behaviour in breach of the College Regulations the Dean shall investigate the matter.”
The question has arisen among some students as to whether such regulations should apply to incidents occurring both outside term time and outside the country.

“I don’t think it’s a matter for the College to be dealing with”, remarked one student who went on the Varsity Trip.

“Other universities go on these trips and I’m sure they get up to worse stuff. The scandal will blow over.”

Some believed it unfair that all students had to go and see the Dean. Despite a large number of students initially signing up, many had dropped out of the contest after learning what the challenges would involve.

One student said, “I was there for the skiing. I wouldn’t have participated in any of these competitions”.

However, the JCR Constitution of St Anne’s, written by students, says that members must “respect the undergraduate community embodied by the JCR”.

An undergraduate at St Anne’s said after the meeting that “at first I was unsure why she called it, but now I think it is good that she did”.

The Varsity ski trip has expanded greatly in recent years and is now attended by around 2,500 Oxbridge students every December. Competitions have always been a part of the event, which has been running annually for 88 years.

Man jailed for Tube crash

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A man was jailed for a year on Wednesday for grabbing the wheel of an Oxford Tube coach, causing it to overturn.

The incident occurred on the M40 on the 30th August last year. Thomas Roby, 21, of Cavell Road, Oxford, pleaded guilty to the charge of to causing danger to road users by interfering with a motor vehicle.

One passenger required hospital treatment, but none were seriously injured in the crash.

The Court saw CCTV footage which showed Roby grabbing the wheel, then falling over as the bus toppled.

The incident preceded another crash which occurred in December, when an Oxford Tube coach overturned, resulting in 17 people being rushed to hospital, five of whom required surgery.