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Uni grads schooled in underwear etiquette

Make sure your underwear fits and is “unobtrusive”, don’t appear “frumpy” or “tarty”, or mention politics, religion or sex at dinner – this is just some of the advice published in a new guide for graduate trainees.

Graduates were told to avoid wearing “crumpled or stained” clothes, not to put salt on food before tasting it and only to pick your napkin off the floor if there is no butler to do it for you.

The guide, compiled by the wife of the Vice-Chancellor of Leeds Metropolitan University, has raised eyebrows, with one academic describing it as “a broth of self-important snobbery”.

 

Oxford scientists see IVF success soar

The collaboration of Oxford University doctors and the Colorado Centre for Reproductive Medicine could see success rates of IVF soar due to developments in screening embryos.

The new process, comparative genomic hybridisation (CGH), allows doctors to monitor all the chromosomes in the developing embryo. It is believed that a common cause of miscarriage is an abnormal number of chromosomes.

This new method has the potential to double impregnation rates in women who would otherwise have problems conceiving, while it is estimated that the live birth rate will rise from a predicted rate of 60% to 78%.

Dr Dagan Wells, of Oxford University, described the increased pregnancy rates as “absolutely phenomenal.”

Pembroke bogsheet banned

The Pembroke JCR bogsheet has been banned following serious complaints regarding its offensive nature.

Phrases such as “you can tell by the stench she’s bleeding from the trench” have prompted many complaints regarding the explicit content of the column following the publication of the first Michaelmas issue.

Several members of Pembroke JCR have condemned the content of the publication, with one third year descrbing the coumn as “vulgar and absolutely disgusting”.

However, he did admit that “it’s been always like that” and “people got upset occasionally”.

The Bogsheet is a gossip column distributed at the end of each JCR meeting. It is the responsibility of two members of the Committee known as the “Paparazzi”.

The writers of the bogsheet, Ed Sorby and Alex Sants, have already issued a formal apology to the members of the JCR for the content of the latest edition. They were also banned from partaking in all forms of student journalism until the end of the year.

Sants admitted that “It was a gross error in judgment on our part, and we certainly didn’t think about the impact our actions would have in the wider community.

“It was not meant to be a personal attack on any member of the JCR, male or female.”

The JCR has decided to voluntarily stop the publication of the Bogsheet until the Trinity term. A new format of the column is to be created, as the writers review what is acceptable under the new college guidelines to go in.

Caroline Daly, the JCR President admitted that “Clearly, the old format cannot be resurrected. We are looking to reinvent the format of the Bogsheet in the interim period.

“As such, we are looking for suggestions as to what the students would like to see in the new publication.”

 

Uni tuition fees frozen by government

University tuition fees are to be frozen for at least five years, Westminster promised this week.

Speaking on behalf of the Higher Education Funding Council for England, chief executive David Eastwood has proclaimed that universities nationwide should not be expecting tuition fees to rise with inflation, in light of the current economic crisis.

He said; “I think it’s inconceivable that the cap will rise significantly before 2013.”

A spokesman for the Department for Innovation Universities and Skills added that, “the government is committed to growing student numbers and to ensuring finance is no barrier to going to university.”

The move follows revelations that any increases in tuition fees would prove a strain on government finances.

Some leading research universities have estimated that Universities will require their students to pay £3000 more every year in tuition fees.

If this is the case, then students would be required to borrow more money from the government.

The London School for Economics has estimated that if students were forced to take out a student loan of a minimum of £5,000, then this would incur the cost of £1.5 billion to the government’s treasury.

Paul Dwyer, OUSU VP for access and academic affairs has expesed his delight at the move.

He said, “I think that it would be fantastic… for all students if there was a freeze on the fees that they have to pay for their education.”

However, he admitted that he was frustrated that the move was motivated by the credit crunch alone, and not by the constraints tuition fees have on students, “I think it is a little disappointing that the government would only consider this option in an unfavourable economic climate, and not as part of their wider thinking on university funding.”

Meanwhile, Mark Mills, student and councillor for Holwell, has little faith in the government’s promise.

He said, ‘‘for the government to say they’re not raising tuition fees is like someone attacking you in the street promising not to hit you again.”

Many students have wondered as to what future impact this might have on their finances.

Economics and Management 2nd year Jane Rudderham said, ‘the increased burden for the Government of capping the tuition fees may cause a rise in future taxation to compensate.

“So either way students will have to eventually pay for the governments higher costs, either from more debts incurred by the capping or from having to pay higher future income taxes.”

The move has also raised questions as to how the University will be able to cope financially.

3rd year PPEist Max Thompson said, “It’s a good thing to do, because if people are struggling financially, then they’d be less inclined to apply.

But I don’t know if it will work in practice.”

Other students expressed concern that the capping may force colleges to raise cost of battels because, as one law student stated, ‘‘if the cost is passed on to the colleges, then the college would have to meet that.”

However, OUSU’s access and academics rep, Joy Wong, remained positive about the move.

She said, “considering the momentum of the Oxford fundraising campaign that was launched in Trinity Term this year, I am confident that Oxford would not only be able to maintain its current standard without raising fees, but also to enter on a level playing field with universities in America in the near future.”

The government’s pledge to freeze tuition fees has arrived in the same week that the Higher Education Secretary, John Denham, has spoken in support of radically altering the UK’s university system.

If his plans go ahead, Oxford University may be compelled by the government to introduce a credit marking system based on the US model.

Oxford may also have to forsake its long holidays in favour of being able to offer part time courses.

A spokesperson for Oxford University said that the matter was “only at the beginning of consultations.”

However, Max Thompson described the idea as ‘ridiculous’ and that it ‘impedes on [the universities’] autonomy.”

Joy Wong echoed this, saying, “the reality of Oxford life shows that part-time degrees in Oxford would either lead to the lowering of the standard of Oxford education, or disadvantage the part-time students.”

Mark Mills concluded by saying; “I do not think it’s a good idea that a government minister in Westminster to dictate how universities should be run.”

 

5th Week

Four regular singles to be conscientiously probed this week. No nonsense.

Beyonce If I Were A Boy ****

No ‘Crazy In Love’ dancefloor crackmagic this. Instead, this is one of those classic R&B ballads that littered the ’90s, straight out of the school of Wyclef Jean, with a massive hook, fragile trills in the voice, and an unsubtle handclap beat high in the mix for the chorus giving it extra oomph. Seems predicated on an NYPD, misogynist view of what boys are like, but there’s a nice feminist critique of that view underlying the lyric. Top class piece of mainstream R&B, if rather less than innovative…

Friendly Fires – Paris ***

At last, a recent rerelease you can understand – they’ve been waiting until all the ‘credible’ listeners have started to wonder if, actually, Friendly Fires are more than just a typical NME nu-rave band. Like the rest of the album, the percussion’s superb – manic cowbells and a stabbing synth chord powers this song through, daring to sound messy, even clumsy, when it helps keep the beat going. The result is, consequently, a bit of a bloody mess. But a highly enjoyable one, like disco-direction Bloc Party with more colour and bounce and a smile on their faces. The tune’s not their best, but it’ll do.

Coldplay – Lost **

Why the hell do you bother releasing another single when you’ve just won ‘Bestselling Artist Of The Year’ at the World Music Awards? Anyway, ‘Lost’ is one of the more memorable soft-rock beasts from Viva La Vida, and packs a major lighter-waving punch. Its heavy use of organ and such have invited criticisms of ripping off Arcade Fire, but they’re unfounded. This song far more cunningly rips off – in a massive, copyright-goosing way – ‘Under The Greenwood Tree’ by Gravenhurst, a track so obscure that no one’s ever going to notice. Tsk.

Emmy The Great – We Almost Had A Baby **

Normally I focus on the music, not the lyrics, but that’s rather missing the point with this acerbic, angel-voiced folksinger. That said, she’s progressed from simple, three-chord acoustic strums to this pretty, ’60s-sounding arrangement. As usual, her lilting, delicate vocals mask a darker tale, but not so bitter as earlier rants like ‘Gloria’.

“I’m not the girl that you remember from the start/I was only a baby/now I am what you made me/and once you left me in the spring/and twice you left in fall/and once I tried to make a life/to keep myself in yours/do you think of me/when you are playing the one and five in four/is country music what your life is for?”

Actually, her lyrics seem to have gone downhill. Ah well. Decent, sub-Belle and Sebastian tune anyway. She can do better.

Top Of The Ox: Local Tune Of The Week

Tristan and the Troubadours are a good, promising local band. You should all go to their gigs and pay them money. Partially because they play nice indie songs with forward-thinking arrangements and interesting instrumentation. More importantly because, if they can’t afford a voice transplant for their singer to stop him sounding EXACTLY like Ed Larrikin, they’ll get nowhere.

Apologies if the singer actually is Ed Larrikin.

Next week: some more stuff. Oh yes.

A Round of Applause for the Bullingdon Club

Some people may have been surprised when the Conservative party began hugging hoodies and jumping into bed with Polly Toynbee under the leadership of Old Etonian and rosy-cheeked toff, David Cameron. This being the man who reportedly refers to Margaret Thatcher as ‘Mother’. But anyone who knows anything about Keynesian economics can easily trace this lefty mentality back to the subconscious of Oxford’s infamously exclusive drinking society, the Bullingdon Club, of which David Cameron, Boris Johnson and, it was revealed last week, our shadow chancellor were members during their time here.

It was John Maynard Keynes who first suggested, to the horror of an ageing and confused Conservative party, that the way to pull 1930s Britain out of the depression was to pay people to dig holes and fill them back in again. Wasteful and apparently pointless, yes, but fantastic for easing unemployment. Ironically, the same could be said of the lavishly thuggish activities of our resident over-privileged twits. If you fancy joining the Bullingdon Club for the most expensive hangover of your life, the society’s uniform alone will cost you approximately £3,000 from Ede and Ravenscroft.

The idea is that one gets completely off one’s titties in a privately rented hall somewhere before trashing the place and leaving the owner with a large cheque to cover the cost of repairs. All this is done, of course, with a charming nudge-and-a-wink-and-we’ll-slip-you-a-fiver-later to the establishment. This, of course, sets one clearly apart from the vulgarities of the proletariat youth and their favoured straightforward fingers-up at authority.

No doubt unwittingly, the consequence of this highly exclusive drinking game is the creation of jobs for local cleaners, glass-fitters, builders and so on who understand what money is worth. So I do believe a round of applause is in order for these unsuspecting do-gooders. In today’s credit-crunched times, their twisted and entirely unintentional brand of wealth redistribution is just what the doctor ordered. Mother would not approve.

Payneful Viewing

Max Payne, a New York City cop whose life is torn by tragedy, plunging him into a world of vengeance and reckless bravado. Beginning life as a shoot ‘em up action game in 2001, this gritty story of corruption and vendetta is the latest of its kind to undergo transition to the silver screen. While these may sound like promising beginnings for the development of an action thriller, the end result does not necessarily live up to the hype.

One of the inherent problems with the development from game to cinema is that the production team must often begin with either an absurdly convoluted or a completely absent plot structure. The adaptation of Doom, for example, as most viewers quickly realised, struggled to extract even ten minutes of narrative from the original game, which was specifically designed as a monster-smashing shooter. Similarly, Tomb Raider failed to really achieve any integrity as a stand-alone cinematic creation. Cynics might argue that what success Tomb Raider achieved was carried largely on the chest of Angelina Jolie.

In the case of Max Payne, however, there are unusually rich pickings to be made from the original in constructing a narrative for the cinema format. Clearly the total content of the original would have proven too unwieldy to transfer into a cinema adaptation. Nevertheless, there are some worthy attempts made to re-organise the plot and introduce new explanatory devices – perhaps most notably the demonic visions associated with use of the drug Valkyr. Drawing on the style of films like Sin City, Moore recreates much of the brooding atmosphere of the original. Even so, its visual appeal is not complemented by any rich character development, hence robbing the film of the edgy tension it might otherwise have achieved.

Devotees of the original game may appreciate the numerous references to familiar characters and locations that John Moore places throughout the film, perhaps being able to retain greater interest in the story’s development. Nevertheless, the fact remains that Max the movie is altogether more disjointed than its game noir counterpart. There is perhaps not enough attempt made to string together the narrative chunks extracted from the original material, and while some parts may understood by the knowledgeable viewer, the plot may at times seem too much like an ill-fitting jigsaw for the uninitiated to follow.

These flaws aside, the film should have had enough basic grit and style to succeed as a reasonable blockbuster, if only it had been blessed with a compelling lead player. All of the game’s original appeal lay in the dark character of anti-hero himself, Max Payne. Wahlberg produces a fairly steady, but altogether too flat performance, never really conveying the desperate deterioration of the central character’s state. Rather than reaching a cathartic crescendo, the film simply peters out, with the viewer left wondering whether they ever really cared about the protagonist’s fate. This criticism reflects the wider problems of the film, which largely squandered the great potential to be found in the original.

Two stars

 

Romeo and Juliet

‘The audience wear masks?’ I was assured this was correct by the producer as she smiled knowingly to herself. This was the first of many surprises. The next came when I had put on said mask and was exchanging sheepish glances with other, similarly masked, figures in the semi-darkness of the antechamber; unsure whether we were about to witness a play or embark on some strange rite of initiation. From behind us came the sound of raised voices and before I could grab my notebook I found myself shunted, rather unceremoniously, through a door by a surly Lord Montague. One glance at his enraged face convinced me it was probably best to cut my losses and leave pen and paper behind- along with many of my assumptions about what constitutes theatre.

The rest of that strange, wonderful, intoxicating performance is a little hazy. On reflection I feel like Alice returned from her tumble down the rabbit hole into the daylight of the everyday world. Those of you familiar with Shakespeare’s original, compulsory if you’re going to enjoy this production, will have already noticed that my coverage does not begin with those immortal lines, ‘Two households both alike in dignity’. This is not because of editorial cutting but instead a process that can best be described as a brutal savaging, in the most positive sense, of the canonical text. The aftermath of Tybalt’s death is presented before the fatal duel, the masque where Romeo and Juliet first cross paths degenerates into the rowdy fight between the two households on the streets of Verona. Narrative time and space are subverted into a whirling ballet that enthrals and bewilders the audience in equal measure. The overwhelming sense is one of a chaotic dance between the borders of brilliance and madness, literally as well as figuratively when I saw a fellow audience member seized and forced to join in with the dancers at the Capulet ball.

However the well known lines give the listener something to hang on to and prevent the performance drifting into incoherence. This is something worth stressing. The production will not be an evening of light entertainment; you should come prepared to have to work to get something out of it and also prepared to participate. Most of the time there are at least two scenes being acted out simultaneously in different parts of the room; it is the exception rather than the rule for the audience’s attention to be focused on one point.

This usually occurs during particularly climactic scenes and lead to some excellent exploitation of light and colour to emphasise the shift of focus. The masks grant members of the audience a feeling of anonymity which is reinforced by the constant interaction with the cast who will frequently look quizzically at you or speak their lines over your head. The actual role we were meant to be playing seemed ambiguous: sometimes stage props, other times shadowy apparitions visible to one character and not to others. Personally I was quite pleased with my performance. I managed to hold the steely gaze of Tybalt for a few seconds and smile encouragingly at Benvolio who winked back during one of the comic scenes. But to move on to the real actors all of the cast put in a solid performance with special mention going to Brian McMahon who produced a dark yet comic take on Mercutio and Lindsay Dukes for her poignant and compelling Juliet. I would strongly recommend this experience to anyone who is looking for something different in the Oxford Drama scene.

Keble O’Reilly
Tuesday – Saturday 6th Week

4 Stars

Review: John Lennon Bio

For a book that weighs in at around 500, 000 words, Norman has little new material to add to the already over-blown legend of John Lennon (or should that be the tragedy of John Lennon?).
The juiciest revelation is that of Lennon’s supposedly Oedipal fantasies. According to a tape recording made not long before his death, Lennon recalls his mother as being the object of his hormonally charged teenage frustration.

“He recalls,” writes Norman, “his 14-year-old self, lying beside Julia on her bed as she took a siesta.” When accidentally touching her breast, Lennon “wonders if he should have tried to go further and whether Julia would have allowed it.”

Rather than elucidating the life-long emotional torture of his subject, a man who suffered abandonment and domestic upheaval, Norman’s cod psychology only serves to entangle and compound the many tabloid myths surrounding one of the most overanalyzed figures of the last century.

Norman seems to forget that Lennon was nothing if not a joker and a self-consciously pretentious one at that. It is impossible to read Norman’s account of this walking Freudian nightmare without recalling the opening of Mother – “Mother / You had me / But I never had you”. Cynics will undoubtedly come to the conclusion that Lennon had delusions of artistic genius and the psychological hang-ups that come with it.

Yet Lennon was more than aware of the sensationalist possibilities of his own myth. Maybe he believed it. Or maybe he wanted to toy with his biographers, branding his band of followers as the idol worshippers they are. Twenty eight years after his death, Lennon is still having the last laugh.

Yoko Ono makes a token contribution to Lennon’s relentless mythmaking. Apparently her husband had a thing for Brian Epstein, Stuart Sutcliffe and Paul McCartney. The latter is based on a claim that the staff at Apple would sometimes refer to McCartney as “John’s Princess”. Lennon also got into a fight with a Cavern club DJ who made fun out of the mysterious Spanish holiday Lennon enjoyed with Beatle’s manager Brian Epstein. He even worshipped his college friend Sutcliffe with a quasi-sexual intensity.

Again, these ‘revelations’ are nothing new, even to casual Lennon fans. It is no secret that Lennon enjoyed “playing it a bit faggy”. Even Norman admits that Lennon’s “gay tendency” was purely aesthetic and based upon the hippy-drippy assumption “that bohemians should try everything”. Lennon applied this naïve doctrine to everything from music and drugs to trepanning and primal scream therapy. These biographical details are more illuminating than Norman’s tabloid conjecture surrounding something as irrelevant as his subject’s sexuality.
The first third of Norman’s book is the most exciting, the early period of Lennon’s life before he turned into a self-pitying bisexual bore. Lennon was a bit of a hot-head apparently. At an art college bop, he once punched a student who asked Cynthia to dance. On another occasion, when Cynthia paired up with Stuart Sutcliffe at a ball, Lennon “hit her across the face so hard that her head struck a heating pipe on the wall, then walked off without a word”.

Norman’s accusations continue. As a student, Lennon would not only steal art supplies from college but would pocket money which he collected for charity.

Norman’s greatest failing is his inability to explain the series of events which lead to Lennon’s decline: from an angry young hedonist who sang A Hard Day’s Night to the soft-headed artiste who preached the immortal words Happy Xmas (War is Over), the most miserable Christmas song ever.

Perhaps the book’s shortcoming has something to do with Norman’s reticence to recognize the importance of Paul McCartney in the most fruitful period of Lennon’s life. Any one with ears will tell you that it is no secret the Beatles never managed to recreate their success as solo artists. This is where such an ambitious biography falls flat on its face. The personal life of Lennon makes no sense without that of McCartney.

Instead, Norman has managed to more than fulfill his original objective, to write a biography not of “a pop person, but of a major, towering presence in his century”. In other words: to write the biography of the icon rather than the pop star. The tentative cooperation of McCartney and Ono (who deemed the book “too mean” to Lennon’s memory) has helped to cement the tragic legend of Lennon in the collective consciousness for a little while longer.

Norman set out to map the origins of a myth, not the man. He has triumphed resoundingly.

Tom Jones: 24 Hours

24 Hours is the sound of beardy sixty-eight year-old love god Tom Jones attempting to ride the wave of mannered, self-consciously retro blue-eyed-soul that has recently taken Duffy to the top of the charts and Amy Winehouse to the brink of extinction. Moreover, it is unashamedly an attempted call for a critical rehabilitation and elevation of the ever-uncool Jones, in the fashion of Rick Rubin’s resuscitations of the careers of Johnny Cash and Neil Diamond, and practically begs to be described in such terms as ‘dignified statement’ and ‘back to his roots’.

Yet if this really is the sound of Carlton Banks’ hero going back to his roots, it only confirms that those roots are planted firmly in an enormous block of cheese. Glittery cheese, upon which willing young ladies writhe seductively. There’s a track here called ‘The Road’ which is a sober apology for a life of infidelity and an affirmation of love for a long-suffering wife. This all sounds lovely, ennobling and redeeming, until, on the very next track, Tom’s found perving over the ‘girls by the pool’. It all seems rather disingenuous.

Jones fails because he’s trying to show that he’s both in touch with his past and still ‘with it’; in trying to reach a pair of conflicting goals, he falls embarrassingly short of both. Every upbeat track wants to be uncompromising rhythm and blues but ends up being spangly, unwieldy disco; every slow number aims for heartfelt torch song territory only to come across as a power ballad sung by a human foghorn. Cash and Diamond needed Rubin to help them ditch their excesses and rediscover their essence; Tony Christie has just been revealed to be not a cruise ship crooner but an artist of depth and significance by Richard Hawley. Even Jones himself has been at his recent best with collaborative efforts. On 24 Hours he tries to show the world that he can still perform unaided, only to find, embarrassingly, that he can’t. Get this man some musical Viagra.

2 Stars