Friday 13th June 2025
Blog Page 2136

Jack Straw talk met with protests

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Jack Straw, the Secretary of State for Justice, was met by protesters from West Oxford campaign as he arrived to give a talk to the Oxford University Labour Club.

The campaigners protested against the opening of new probation centre in the residential area of Oxford on Mill Street. The probation centre plans were announced without consultation with the locals.

The protesters campaigned in the Longwall street outside Magdalen college around 8pm. They aimed to stop Jack Straw as he drove back from dinner with the President of Magdalen.

“[The centre] is supposed to keep up to 500 offenders a week. They come from across a range of offences, including sex offenders,” said Matthew Savage, one of the protesters. “They will be walking up and down the cul-de-sac.”

He expressed his outrage at the fact that the “locals have had no say” in this decision and that “they have had no information from the Thames Valley Police”.

Thames Valley Probation is negotiating a lease for part of Trajan House in West Oxford as plan to centralize services. Existing probation offices in Cowley, Banbury and Abingdon would be closed. If talks are successful, the 100-staff centre will start operating in April 2010.

The centre does not require planning permission, as the scheme does not involve the change of the use of the building.

The protesters were demanding the probation services to have a consultation with the locals before the lease is signed.

Straw spoke to the protestors for about 10 minutes. He explained that he is not in control of probation services, so there is nothing he can do.

However, he said that he “had not realized the intensity of the local feeling” and made a “promise to speak to the relevant people”.

He also took the contact details of the protest group. By the end of the talk, he has had protestors joking along with him. As he was leaving to go into Magdalen, the campaigners gave him a round of applause.

Felicity Wenden, one of the campaigners commented, “We’re pleased that he stopped to talk to us. He didn’t have to. But we still want more transparency and dialogue with us, the people who live there.”

Zoe Hallam, 1st year PPE student present didn’t think that the protesters negatively affected the event. She said, “I don’t think the protesters has affected my experience of the talk. I guess this is the kind of thing you get used to after a while in Oxford.”

She added, “The talk itself was more a political broadcast rather than the talk – he talked about everything that Labour did during his years in parliament. I don’t think I learnt that much from it.”

Straw spoke to an audience consisting of OULC and non-OULC members for 1 hour. He defended Labour’s years in power and stated that in the party’s past there were worse times than recent three weeks. He was convinced that the party will survive and continue to prosper.

Death Row in Pakistan

This week Cherwell was approached by the defence team of Zulfiqar Ali Khan. A prisoner on death row in Pakistan since 1998, the final date for his execution
has now been scheduled. Unless a stay of execution is granted, he will be hanged next Wednesday, 6th May.

Sarah Belal, his Oxford-educated defence lawyer, asked Cherwell to print an open letter to Bilawal Bhutto, chairman of the Pakistan People’s Party (PPP) and Christ Church undergraduate, which follows.

 

Dear Mr. Chairman,

This is an appeal for clemency on behalf of Dr. Zulfiqar Ali Khan, a prisoner on death row in Adiala Jail, Rawalpindi, whose Stay of Execution ends on May 6 2009. We humbly request that you exercise your authority as Chairman of the Pakistan Peoples Party to mobilize your party members and the President of Pakistan, Mr. Asif Ali Zardari, to commute Dr. Zulfiqar’s death sentence into life imprisonment.


Due to his poor socio-economic background, Dr. Zulfiqar was unable to afford competent legal representation and was sentenced to death by firing squad.
Notwithstanding his terrible fate, Dr. Zulfiqar has worked hard to achieve good while in prison. He has spent the 11 years since his sentence of death helping hundreds of prisoners secure an education. While conditions in the prison are very difficult – especially for someone facing execution – he has become a symbol of hope and purpose for his fellow prisoners who, under his tutelage have managed to better themselves immeasurably. In fact, in Adiala Jail he is popularly referred to as “the educator”.


Dr. Zulfiqar treasures the chance to continue his valuable
work of educating prisoners in Adiala Jail. He is not a risk to any other person and has lived a disciplined and productive life in prison. He is a skilled educator and has transformed himself to become an asset for Adiala Jail and the State.
Dr. Zulfiqar’s family has suffered too many tragedies at the hands of fate. During his imprisonment, his beloved wife was diagnosed with leukemia and died, leaving behind two young daughters. If Dr. Zulfiqar is executed, his two young daughters Fiza and Noor, aged 11 and 13 respectively, will become orphans.


The Bhutto name, and that of the Pakistan Peoples Party,
has long been associated with the notion of clemency and the Islamic principle of mercy. Your grandfather, the Prime Minister of Pakistan and the founder of the PPP, Zulfiqar Ali Bhutto, sought to eradicate the injustices of capital punishment throughout his life. It was a cruel twist that his own life was cut short so unjustly and violently by capital punishment.

Your mother, the late Benazir Bhutto, was the first successor of the great legacy of the PPP, and fulfilled her oath to carry on her father’s work. On her accession to power in 1988, she commuted death sentences of those who, like her father years before, were condemned to die at the hands of the State.
The tragic and unjust death of your illustrious grandfather Zulfiqar Ali Bhutto, robbed the entire nation of the hope of a secular and progressive future. The death of another Zulfiqar Ali in the very same prison will snatch from the prisoners at Adiala Jail a symbol of hope, inspiration, rehabilitation and redemption.

Today you hold in your hands the possibility of helping to save the life of one man, a remarkable man who is a symbol of all that is possible to achieve in the face of adversity. Tomorrow, you will hold in those same hands the future of millions of Pakistanis who will look to you as the leader of the largest and the most progressive political party. This is your chance to illustrate to the world that the death of your grandfather and that of your mother have not been in vain, and that the Bhutto name will always stand for peace justice and mercy.
Dr. Zulfiqar has only been granted a stay of execution by the Office of the President until May 6th, 2009, whereupon he will die.

Sarah Belal
B.A (Hons), Jurisprudence, Oxford University
Sultana Noon
Center for Capital Assistance
San Francisco

 

The case has received wide press coverage in Pakistan, due to the constructive way in which Khan has used his time in prison to educate both himself and his fellow inmates. Numerous correspondents in the national press have spoken in favour of changing his sentence from the death penalty to life imprisonment.
A commentator in The News of Pakistan wrote that “Dr. Zulfiqar is worth more to the state alive than he is dead, and the dispensation of mercy is an act worthy of any head of state”.

Bilawal’s grandfather and founder of the PPP Shaheed Zulfiqar Ali Bhutto commuted all death sentences of Pakistani prisoners to life imprisonment in the 1970s. He also raised the length of a life sentence from 14 to 25 years, with the intention of moving towards the abolition of the death penalty. Commutation of death sentences to life was also one of Benazir Bhutto’s first acts as Prime Minister in December 1988. The PPP remain committed to achieving this end. “At the very least, this government could ensure that there are no executions as long as it is in office by signing the U.N. (General Assembly) moratorium on executions,” Ali Dayan Hasan, senior researcher for Human Rights Watch (HRW) in Pakistan commented.

When elected Prime Minister in June 2008 Yousaf Gillani publicly recommended to President Musharraf, in remembrance of Benazir Bhutto on what would have been her 55th birthday, that all death sentences should be commuted to life. This has yet to happen. Musharraf’s successor as President, Mr Asif Ali Zardari (and co-Chair of the PPP) has signalled his opposition to the death penalty, however in November 2008 he increased the number of capital crimes. The latest addition to the list of capital offences includes ‘cyber-terrorism’.

At the moment, there are 27 such crimes on the list, ranging from murder and treason to consensual sex outside marriage or sabotage of the railway network. He has also rejected all mercy petitions submitted by death row prisoners; final clemecy or commutation of sentences is a constitutional power of the office of the president.

Amnesty International reports that Khan is just one of over 7000 prisoners still on death row in Pakistan. Ansar Burney, former Pakistani Human Rights Minister and civil rights activist stated that 60 to 65 percent of death row prisoners were innocent or ‘victims of a faulty system.’ Khan was originally convicted for murder, although his defence team claim he was not actually provided with an adequate lawyer.

Earlier this month he wrote to a Pakistani newspaper; ‘I ended up in jail… due to an accidental murder. Owing to my poor financial state I could not afford a good lawyer and ended up losing my case. I devoted myself to the cause of educating prisoners… I see no future for my two daughters who are 11 and 13 and I appeal to the President to commute my capital punishment.’

Oxford University Amnesty International commented: “Following the United Nations General Assembly’s ground breaking resolution calling for a moratorium on the death penalty in December 2007 resolution, Yvonne Terlingen, Head of Amnesty International’s Office at the UN, said that the increased support for this resolution was very important as it “demonstrates once again that the world is on a steady path towards abolishing the death penalty”.

Unfortunately the case of Dr. Zulfiqar Ali Khan highlights that not all countries concur with this trend. His case shows the benefits of a rehabilitation programme and Dr. Khan should be commended for his personal progress and the great contribution he has made to others’ lives and the Pakistani
prison system as a whole. The Oxford University Amnesty International group condemn the decision to execute Dr. Zulfiqar Ali Khan and call on President Asif Ali Zardari to act in accordance with international opinion as well as historic precident in Pakistan by commuting the death sentence.

String maze goes up at Magdalen

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Students at Magdalen College have created a String Maze on the college grounds. The game involves racing along ropes with karabiners.

Matthew Shribman, the creator of the Maze said, “I built the maze with the hope of creating the greatest string maze that the world had ever seen.” He intends to challenge Magdalen’s senior dean in the race.

The Maze has had a mixed response from students.

Nathan Rawle, a Magdalen first year said, “It was hilarious. Try doing it army style by crawling under all the strings.” Nick Clinch added, “It’s stringtastic!”

However, another second year commented, “I don’t think does anything to enhance the beauty of Batwillow Meadow, looking as it does like the web of some kind of mid-90s rave spider.”

£11,000 for an Oxford education?

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Oxford’s Vice-chancellor Dr John Hood has rekindled the ongoing debate on the future of funding for students by stating that it costs up to an additional £8,000 a year to educate each student.

After the Vice-chancellor’s interview with a parliamentary committee in March, it was reported in the Daily Telegraph that Oxford may push up fees to £11,000 a year.

This news comes at the time of the release of a government survey, which shows that the direct cost of studying increased by 68% throughout 2005-8. This includes the introduction of top-up fees in 2006.

However, Dr Hood denied Daily Telegraph’s claims strongly. He said, “While I noted to the Select Committee that some increase in tuition fees might be considered desirable, I most certainly did not say that Oxford wished to raise fees to £11,000. A working group is currently discussing what our response to the government’s consultation on the fee cap might be. We do not consider such a sharp increase to be either desirable or a political reality.”

“I explicitly told the committee that I did not want to hypothesise around a figure for fees. I have noted that we estimate the money we receive through fees and HEFCE is £7-8,000 less per student per year than what we estimate it costs, on average, to educate UK and EU undergraduates. This does not equate to my saying that we want to plug that gap entirely through fee increases.”

“As I said to the Select Committee, any increase in fees at all, however modest, would be desirable only provided we can have cast iron, needs-blind admission assistance through loan schemes, bursaries, and hardship funds.”
However, this denial has not stopped a debate over the future of University funding.

Magdalen JCR questioned Lewis Iwu on funding in their last General Meeting. Iwu admitted that the OUSU position on the issue was currently “quite vague.” He also pointed out that if Oxford wants to remain at the top of the table as a world-class institution, higher costs are something students will have to deal with.

A report published by Universities UK last term warned that students from low-income families would be discouraged if fees rose to £7,000, particularly if they had to take out private loans as well as government student loans.
However, a typical fresher already borrows a total of £6,318 in loans, credit cards and overdrafts in one year, according to a study conducted by the

Institute for Employment Studies and the National Centre for Social Research notes. After taking into account their savings, an average student has a net debt of £3,518 after first year of studying.

An Oxford university spokesperson said, “We have no evidence that the cost of being a student, excluding the cost of fees, has increased significantly.

Obviously students now pay fees of approximately £3,000 compared to approx £1200 and loans can be taken out to cover these fees where no loans were previously available which means student debt will have increased compared to 2005 when no loans for fees were available and fees were approximately £1200.”

Still, the Institute’s report also notes that more than 80% of students consider the long term benefits of higher education outweigh the costs and that they will ultimately earn more as a result. Although 9% fewer students combine work with study, student incomes have increased, as has student support.

For the next academic year, Oxford will charge UK students £3,225 in tuition fees for most courses.

Nevertheless, the £8,000 difference between what a student pays and what it costs to tutor them is difficult to fill. Dr Hood said it is partially being made up by expecting the college staff to work substantially harder than their counterparts in US Universities. They are also provided with less academic and administrative support.

It seems that the rise in degree costs combined with the precarious job prospects is something that worries many students.

One Magdalen JCR committee member commented, “People apply to Oxford often with the hope that a good quality degree will make them employable and lead to a lucrative career. This is not necessarily the case at the moment, and it worries me that in the meantime it is becoming more and more expensive to study.”

The debate is likely to hot up when the government reviews the tuition fees system later this year and whether it will decide to raise the current cap.

Review: His Dark Materials

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On the walk over to the Playhouse, my companion told me how during the interview period in Oxford, in a brief moment of respite from the frantic days of uncertainty, swotting and sweating, she took a trip to the Botanical Gardens. She walked down the same path about which she had read so many times, and sat on the bench where in the heartbreaking final moments of The Amber Spyglass, Will looked into Lyra’s eyes for the last time.

For many people, me included, the His Dark Materials trilogy was the most withdrawn set of books from the childhood library. Who wants a four-eyed wizard with a small wand shouting silly words when you can have armoured bears, Oxford, other worlds, the land of the dead, Heaven, Hell, Evolution, love and everything else that make Pullman’s classics so memorable and exciting? So you can imagine the buzz in the theatre on Wednesday night, when finally, Nicholas Wright’s acclaimed stage adaptation by performed by the Birmingham Repertory Theatre Company had its Oxford debut.

We begin the epic journey where it ends in the book. Will and Lyra, sat on the bench chatting, their words rebounding off the invisible wall that separates their two worlds. The love story that lies at the centre of this book -the theme of love encompassing Iorek’s for Lyra, hers for her father, Mrs. Coulter’s for Lyra, the love between human and daemon – therefore frames the whole story.

The play does not disappoint on the visual front. The mythical world of daemons is handled superbly through the use of puppets which, controlled by on stage actors, capture the movements of real animals often with startling accuracy. The Border collie spins around, its head held up in excitement. The pine martin slinks about mischievously. It is a real treat to see the way these pint-sized companions interact with the characters on stage, often communicating through their movement the emotions that conscious human beings attempt to hide. Mrs. Coulter’s monkey, for example, is as sinister and unpredictable as I remember him from the book, while she is the modicum of restraint and polite decorum. Of course, the bears must get some mention, which puppeteers choose to represent through giant feathery frames and white fur coats. Though imposing, their appearance wasn’t quite as terrifying as I’d hoped – any scraps of fear quickly quashed after encountering a cohort of bears whose accents would better suit a Lancashire soap opera than the bear kingdom of Svalbard.

The acting is good on the whole, especially Lord Asriel, whose main scene in the Smoking room of Jordon College is a satirical treat for anybody who has ever gazed into their college’s SCR and wondered what ludicrous yet brilliant things go on within.

This is not perfect as an adaptation. The writing can be sometimes sloppy; a phrase such as ‘the poor sad stunted souls’ is a meagre reflection of the energy and lyricism of Pullman’s original. The Wagnerian length, totalling about six hours if you combine parts I and II, coupled with a west-end cost of, at the cheapest, £25, are not likely to appeal to time-poor, cash-strapped student. And it saddened me slightly that the show had to end with a cliff-hanger so wrenched and artificial one half expected to hear the ominous drums of the Eastenders ending credits.

Yet all these quibbles melted into obscurity when, as applause broke out, the author himself stepped on stage to take a bow. Awe-struck, tired and furious we’d been sitting looking at the back of his head all evening without realising who he was, we were determined to catch up with Pullman afterwards to find out the thoughts of the only critic who really matters.

‘Well, I love this adaptation’ he told me and my increasingly giggly companion. ‘It is wonderful how it condenses the book without losing any of the content.’ I suggested it would mean a lot to the cast that he should say that. He replied, ‘It means a lot to me as well’. We went away from the theatre spell-bound. The magic of the story had enveloped us from beginning to end and I realised, the soft words of a brilliant man still swirling around my mind, that anything I could possibly say seems puny in comparison.

4 stars out of 5

 

 

Heated debate after St Anne’s students left out in the cold

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Controversy at St Anne’s college has ended after administrators agreed to turn the college’s heaters back on.

At the start of term the college had adopted a policy of turning the heating off in Trinity term, on the grounds that it would be uneccesary in the summer term. However, students criticised the decision not to turn it back on when the weather took a turn for the worse.

One, who asked that her anonymity be preserved, said she wished “to complain in the strongest and most abusive terms possible”.
“I have to wonder just what i pay battels for – battels that i believe are substantially higher than the average – if i cannot control the heating in my own room. Last night I went to bed fully dressed and still could not get to sleep, I was so cold.”

“I have to wonder whether the college authorities care about their students.”

Many students complained that they had not been warned or informed of the college’s decision, and that the lodge was refusing to give out electric heaters, as it had done in earlier terms.

One college resident circulated a petition demanding that the college reverse its decision, which received several dozen signatures. Finally, on Wednesday, the college turned the heating back on.

Bursar Martin Jackson refused to comment on his reasons either for the initial decision to shut off the heating or for the subsequent climbdown.

Students, however, welcomed the move. One, who had been involved in the petitioning campaign and aksed to remain strictly anonymous, said “I am overjoyed. My room was freezing; I was having difficulty sleeping and I couldn’t spend extended amounts of time in it. I feel that college had a somewhat radical reaction to environmental and economic concerns, which was in danger of compromising the welfare of its students. I am pleased that they responded reasonably once they had been made aware of the situation.”

St Anne’s has a recent history of heating woes, with Jackson last year apologising after two successive terms in which boilers broke down in various accomodation blocks.

Balliol shell-shocked after tortoise’s death

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Balliol students have expressed their sadness at the death of their college tortoise, Matilda.

The tortoise, estimated to be 17 years old, did not wake up from hibernation. It is thought that a prolonged illness and a particularly cold winter contributed to his death.

Balliol JCR President, Iain Large, said, “Such a loss can never be easily borne, but with welfare provisions and Testudinal memorial services at full deployment levels, we believe that we can pull through as a community.”

Matilda was donated to the college in 2006 by Oxford alumnus Chris Skidmore. He also donated Matilda’s sister, Sampras, to Christ Church College at the same time.

The role of tortoise carer is a JCR official position, currently held by Jack Gilbert and Michael Marks. The constitution states that the role of Comrade Tortoise is to care for the tortoise and train him for the inter-collegiate tortoise races.

Marks said, “My fellow Comrade Tortoise, Jack Gilbert, and I are indeed extremely upset about the death of Matilda. He had in fact been ill for quite a long time, hence why Balliol did not participate in last year’s race.”

Both Comrades have come under scrutiny following last Sunday’s JCR meeting which launched an enquiry into the reasons for Matilda’s death.

Iain Large stated that Gilbert and Marks have “not had the most successful time in office, with 100% of the college’s tortoise community dead under their auspices.” He added, however, they may still be redeemed if they can find a replacement tortoise.

The JCR have added to their Standard Policy that the student body will “endeavour to replace Matilda with a new, not-ill, race-winning, tortoise, as soon as possible.”

The JCR has also ruled that the Comrades Tortoise will have to run the tortoise race if a replacement tortoise cannot be found in time. The Comrades Tortoise will be forced to eat an entire lettuce before starting in order to combat the natural advantage of a human over a tortoise in a race.

The College Hall has also resolved to serve only lettuce for an entire day in a move that Large states is a “sign of respect”. He added, “Slow but steady she may have been, but in the race to our hearts, Matilda was the clear winner.”

Michael Webb, a first year Balliol student, stated that Matilda was a “wonderful, warm and compassionate tortoise” that Balliol “loved and will mourn as a friend.”

Oxford archaeologists lead memorial excavation

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Oxford archaeologists are to begin work on recovering the remains of the Australian and British soldiers who fell in the Battle of Fromelles in July 1916.

The mass grave at Pheasant Wood was discovered in May 2007 by archaeologists form the University of Glasgow. It is believed that German soldiers buried up to 400 men on this site, which thought to be the largest modern mass grave not related to genocide.

A major operation to disinter the bodies and individually bury them will commence this Monday.

Oxford Archaeology has been drafted in to carry out the excavation and recovery work by the Commonwealth War Graves Committee, an independent, internationally funded organization established in 1917 by Royal Charter to mark and maintain the graves and official memorials of the Commonwealth Service personnel who died in either of the World Wars.

The first step of the task involves identifying the bodies using DNA techniques. It was common practice amongst many of the German soldiers to remove the dog tags of fallen soldiers, and so the identity of many of the bodies is unknown.

Families who suspect that they might have relatives buried at Fromelles are being asked to come forward to aid the process.

The soldiers will then be buried in individual graves in a new war cemetery nearby. It is hoped that the entire process will be completed in no longer than 6 months. A commemorative ceremony is expected to take place in July 2010.
The attack at Fromelles was an unsuccessful attempt to divert German attention away from the Somme. The advance over difficult ground in clear view of the enemy sent thousands of British and Australian soldiers to their deaths within hours.

The majority of bodies were recovered but the whereabouts of several hundred bodies was a mystery, up until the discovery of the site at Pheasant Wood.
Oxford Archaeology is a multi-national team consisting mostly of archaeologists, radiologists and anthropologists from the University of Oxford. Robert Neil and Alison Anderson are the chief coordinators of the project, experts in body identification who were also involved with the mortuary after the July 2007 London bombings.

The Australian and British governments will equally share the costs of the recovery work and DNA testing. The chief objective of the project is to “ensure that these servicemen are buried with the dignity and honour that their sacrifice deserves.”

Review: Rodchenko and Popova

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He was the working-class son of a circus performer; she was a rich man’s daughter from Moscow. The Bolshevik revolution threw them together in one the most dynamic cultural shifts of the twentieth-century.

Alexander Rodchenko and Liubov Popova were the original ‘odd couple’ of modern art, forming a breakaway group of artists who wanted to embody the ideology of the new age. While Bolshevik Communism sought to remodel Russian society and overhaul an outdated economy, Rodchenko and Popova were attempting their own revolution. Soon, Constructivism had succeeded in turning the art world on its head.

The Tate Modern’s celebration of the Constructivist movement commences with an exploration of Popova and Rodchenko’s early paintings. Many of the works have never been exhibited in the West before and are borrowed from museums hidden deep in the Russian hinterland.

Popova’s colored geometric compositions are prophetic in their similarity to the Cubist works which were to soon appear in Europe. Abandoning canvas in favour of industrial plywood, Popova was highly experimental, even mixing sawdust into her paint to give her work a tactile quality.

Meanwhile, Rodchenko had already predicted the death of painting and was producing futuristic sculptures based upon mechanical constructions. Russia’s artistic rebels wanted a new abstract art, free from the repression of Realism to explore the infinite possibilities of geometry.

While the early paintings and sculptures are mesmerizing in their modernity and complexity, they are merely a brief prelude to the commercial designs which embodied the tenets of Constructivism with extreme revolutionary zeal.
Rodchenko and Popova sought to ‘constructivise’ the human world. They transformed the theoretical compositions of their paintings into architecture, photography, typography, fashion, theatre and poetry. Popova even created hammer-and-sickle fabric designs for the state textile works in 1923. It is the very definition of kitsch.

‘All of Moscow was covered with our work,’ Rodchenko wrote. ‘We made about 50 posters, about 100 sign boards, wrappers, containers, illuminated advertisements, advertising columns, illustrations in magazines and newspapers.’ Constructivism became the new definition of high art.
The exhibition traces an astounding stretch of creativity. Rodchenko and Popova had designed the blueprint for a whole new Russia: aircraft hangers, chairs, teacups, chess sets, even workers’ uniforms. The Constructivist trajectory showed little sign of waning. The sheer volume of their output is testament to the misguided optimism of the Constructivist cause.

Political posters with slogans such as ‘Keep up the Revolutionary Pace’ combine letters of the Cyrillic alphabet with cut-out images of revolutionary figures. It brims with naivety. This is the beauty of the exhibition, the advantage of viewing an entire artistic movement in retrospect.

Perhaps an entire cultural shift is a bit too much to take in at one go. ‘Defining Constructivism’ can be a little exhausting. Ultimately, Constructivism became a dead end. Quirky utilitarian chess tables gave way to gulags and Stalinism.

The death of the Constructivist dream leaves us felling cold, rather than imbuing us with revolutionary fire.

4 out of 5 stars

 

Water way to feel better

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Fifty years ago life was simple. You’d get old, and then you’d start to worry about your health, while the youth danced carefree amongst the roses. Now, anyone over 50 can barely contain their excitement at the coming retirement, whilst pre and post adolescents alike have become gradually obsessed with ‘trendy’ new ways of boosting their health to superhuman levels. Every week a new berry champions a payload of antioxidants and nutrients: There’s an implicit belief that, if we can just drink enough Strawberry and Banana smoothie, we can undo the effects of last nights Smirnoff (or Marlboro) Red. Self proclaimed leaders of the ‘enhanced water category’, Glacéau, have been paying attention. And so, six neon bottles have hit the cafés of Oxford, promising nothing less than freshly bottled magic to the customer. Vitamin Water strips away any pretence of a cute-sy love for organic manufacturing processes, selling itself purely on the strength of what it can do for you. Ever the sceptic, I called Glacéau on this, and put their drinks to the test to see if this flavour of the month is really worth your £1.95. First up is the gorgeous ‘Spark’. ‘Ever wanted to skateboard down a mountain? …Do a handstand on the wings of 747? …Race a greyhound?’ Man! I just wanted to fix my essay crisis! Thanks ‘Spark’!

The science is less than Romantic. ‘Spark’ is a lethal concoction of guarana (naturally occurring stimulant), Taurine (bull sperm) and caffeine, supposedly sending you straight into the ‘zone’ of higher thinking. I like to think it’s the stimulants, combined with the presumed levels of nutritional pixie dust, that give it the enticing, ‘come play with me’ yellow glow. What’s it like in practice? There’s an episode of Futurama where Fry drinks 100 cups of coffee. Over the episode, he gradually descends into a shaking, twitching, fast-talking train wreck. Eventually, the 100th cup pushes him over the edge, into a sort of zen state, so wired that reality moves like treacle in comparison. This is a fairly accurate reflection of the effects of Spark. Of all the drinks tested, this easily does best on fulfilling its promises.

Revive and Essential, or Purple and Orange to their friends, are designed as the ultimate student assistant; a hangover cure. This isn’t made explicit on the bottle itself, but reading between the lines the principle is pretty clear. Both designed to fully hydrate you, they’re loaded with a good dose of generic super-vitamins too. The application is simple. Drink the purple one as you come in from the usual heavy night with the Archers drinking soc. Pass out in a comfortable position, then drink the Orange one the next morning. In theory, sorted. In America, the craze amongst the (clearly money-rich-sense-poor) student population is to mix your drinks with these, giving you guilt free, healthy fun. I, being scientifically minded, decided to settle for merely getting extremely drunk. Interestingly enough, the drinks actually did something. Not what I was promised, but something.

The-Sunday-after. I was, that morning, still extremely drunk. Giggling, I downed my bottle of Essential, and set off to a morning full of merry, Sainsburys related, mistakes. You might think at this point, that this marked a failure for the centre for responsible hydration. In fact, as the day wore on, events took a most unexpected turn. Having been in this situation before, I know that the evening is typically characterised by the kind of headache and nausea that has me rolling around the floor of the JCR, sobbing for a glass of water, and massaging my temples like Magneto. Surprisingly, I felt fine. I’m not entirely convinced that this was direct result of whatever nutritional voodoo Glacéau are playing at, but it’s difficult still to argue with the results.
Last on the list is the exercise booster, Power-C, which is excitingly ‘dragonfruit flavoured’. The comparison given by Glacéau is with Popeye’s spinach, which seems a little bit of a stretch. In terms of scientific vagary, this is far and away the most fantastical. Promised is beating my granny in an arm-wrestling contest. I’ll settle for a quick rowing trial.

So. The goal is 7500 meters on an erg, in as fast a time as possible. We’ll leave it a day apart for recovery, and start at 8am sharp. Go!
First run, V-Water free. 29:55, a time that leaves me absolutely smashed. Red face, heavy breathing, coughing up scoops of tar…not a pretty sight.
Second run, ‘Power-ed’ up. Surprisngly…28:02! Very, very nearly 2 minutes off. What’s more, I could very nearly hold a conversation without throwing up. What crazed magic is this?!
Standard anomaly? Probably. I think it’s fair to claim it impossible that Vitamin water is going to actually, in the real world, make me a better rower. Or indeed a better friend, a better lover, better liked, happier, or whatever they might promise in the reams of preachy promotional material. The little fitness test highlights something interesting, however. In the same way that I probably didn’t have a religious experience because I drank some yellow squash, and that my hangovers was no worse that evening than any other, I could have exercised just as hard first time round.

You look at a bottle of Vitamin Water, and are confronted by an inner monologue something like this; ‘That just looks like brightly coloured water. They couldn’t be selling just brightly coloured water. The brightly coloured water says it will make me happy! It must actually make me happy! I’ll buy the brightly coloured water.’ And suddenly you’re £2 poorer.
On the other hand, at the heart of all this might be an amazing placebo effect. Exhausted on a Thursday morning, I was trying to write this so I could close my eyes without hearing a voice screaming deadline. Left over from my little experimental jaunt, I had a spare bottle of Spark, the ‘gets you high’ favourite. Downed it, and within about 10 minutes my writers block just disappeared.

The easiest way to get through life is just to trick yourself into things. We make little games when we revise to distract from the monotony, we set little goals of ‘just 100 more words’ when writing essays, or ‘one more chapter’ making notes so that we keep making progress. And maybe there are enough buzz words and optimistic images across the packaging here to convince you that ‘yeah, maybe this can do something to help me’. Which is why I currently feel pretty MDM-Azing right now.

So actually, that first intuition you might have isn’t too far from the truth. When you buy this rubbish, you’re physically just buying some neon coloured, 100 calorie-a-bottle water. But really, you’re also buying a dream. If it makes the morning-after that bit easier, so be it.