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Igor Film Review

By
Adam Wilson
-

Fun for all the family is a phrase used far too often when describing animated films. Shrek, The Incredibles, Kung Fu Panda; these are films which blend the colourful characters and simple plots with the more intelligent jokes and references which appease both children and adults. With Igor, however, ‘fun for all the family’ is not a gross exaggeration; it’s a bare-faced lie.

The film, set in the magical world of Malaria (a place named after a disease? Hilarious. How about Gonorrhea?) is the classic ‘unleash your true potential’ tale about Igor, the assistant of a mad scientist, who decides that he’d like to do the inventing for once.

Accompanied by his re-animated buddies, he creates Eva, a female Frankenstein’s monster, but is surprised to discover that she lacks the evil gene. There’s bonding, singing and defiance against convention, and yet there’s something severely lacking in this mediocre film.

Firstly, the visuals. There’s more than a hint of The Corpse Bride about this, but it lacks those little touches which made Burton’s vision so unique. The actual quality of animation, meanwhile, is simply average.

Even the voices behind the characters seem to lack the passion vital to a children’s film, with John Cusack’s Igor awkward beyond words and a catalogue of stars such as John Cleese and Steve Buscemi failing to impress. Ironically, it is Molly Shannon’s role as the reanimated corpse which brings life to what is otherwise a dreary and dull, if well-meaning, way to spend ninety minutes.

I would rather subject children to The Texas Chainsaw Massacre than this feeble attempt at family friendly.

17 October

1 Star

The World’s A Stage 1st Week

By
Daniel Rolle
-

In his preface to Le Balcon, Jean Genet states that the artist and poet has no responsibility to find a solution to the problem of evil; in fact, he should embrace it. The clientele circulating in the hallway of La Maison de Culture in Bourges, an Oxford-sized French town, clearly feel such moral detachment. In fact, Genet would be delighted.

The people of Bourges are referred to by their compatriots as the Bourgeois for a good reason. Longchamp bags, pearls, Barbour jackets and pashminas fill the mezzanine area of the theatre’s bar. Sound familiar? Glasses clink as the Bourgeois ascend the staircase, wishing their fellow theatre-goers a good evening, the parents of their son or daughter’s classmates at one of the lycee prives surrounding the Maison de la Culture.

Andre Malraux opened the theatre, cinema and lecture hall in the late fifties; since then, the place has thrived upon the various cultural pretensions of the Bourgeois – a retrospective of Godard just ended, and next week a professor from the Ecole Normale Superieure is coming to talk about Marivaux.

As I wind my way towards the bar area, I glimpse an American friend in earnest conversation with a man whom I later discover, thanks to the innumerable amount of Bourgeois who nod and offer him drinks, to be the philosophy teacher of a lycee prive – the deadline for references to Louis le Grand is undoubtedly imminent.

Most of the Bourgeois have taken their seats; those in the upper circle peer over into the stalls, their eyes darting in search of other parents, their neighbour with the country house in Provence, the Parisian banker who hasn’t been seen in this commuter town since Credit Lyonnais had to ask Papa for a larger allowance every month.

Le Balcon commences, runs its course and finishes. Nothing Genet would object to, as such – but this in itself he would probably find objectionable. Irma, the Mistress of the Brothel, was well played; the Chief of Police didn’t quite grasp what his role entailed.

No matter though, because how many people inside the theatre were actually following what went on? And such is the state of the theatre – not only here in Bourges, but also in Paris, in London, in New York.

Genet would no doubt agree. Upon asking his reaction not to the play, but to its audience, he would have looked me in the eye and recited an adapted version of the concluding lines of his aforementioned Preface: ‘Of course, all that I have just written does not concern an intelligent theatre-goer; he knows what he’s come to see. Mais les autres?’

 

Genre Confused 1st Week

By
Alistair Wardrope
-

Mia Matsumiya builds robots. They do cool things for 30, 40 seconds; they twitch, malfunction; then they die. She calls them ‘tragibots’.

She also makes music. The creation is a similarly painstaking process, interweaving neoclassical form with structural rigidity and melodic freedom, then casting it all in terms of the guitars and vocals more familiar to doom or sludge-metal connoisseurs. We call it ‘post-metal’.

This is a genre which, though rooted amongst hardcore and metal musicians looking to express themselves beyond the verse-chorus-verse straitjacket, is now just as much home to jazz, psychedelic and even classically-trained artists. They simply want to turn up the amps and scream a bit. For each band tagged with the name, a distinct musical heritage is apparent. There are raw, fire-and-brimstone blues behind Oxbow’s The Narcotic Story, while Isis… well, Isis seem to have rather a penchant for bears. Enraged ones, specifically.
All of which might sound horribly pretentious, an accusation sometimes difficult to dismiss. Red Sparowes’ At the Soundless Dawn, an instrumental concept album about the Maoist Great Leap Forward featuring 208 words of track title, probably deserves to be so branded.

But to focus on the self-indulgence is to get caught up on the ‘post-‘; and forget that the music is still very much metal. Oxbow’s ‘Eugene Robinson’ can turn a room of lethargic, undernourished indie geeks into a convincing reinterpretation of a Hieronymous Bosch image with nothing more than his tortuous howling, while thrusting his bemuscled form at the audience. He often adds to the aura by involving the mic stand in illicit, aggressive and possibly quite painful relations.

There are more accessible styles; 15-minute orchestral-rock compositions are never going to make good football chants. This is music that demands, seizes and finally rewards, your complete attention.

The juxtaposition of power chords and piccolos might seem a perplexing one, but if you can stomach that thought and open up your mind a little bit, you will find that the music is immensely rewarding. Who, after all, doesn’t want to live the dream, and one day relish the prospect of having a tormented soul thrust his grief, and his groin, in your face, to an accompaniment of violins.

An old-fashioned abracadabra

By
Desmond Wolfe
-

I chose a card at random as the deck flashed across my eyes. Then the bearded magician opposite attempted to read my mind. ‘Is it the king of spades?’ He asked confidently. ‘Not quite,’ I replied, ‘it was the four of hearts.’ His crestfallen gawp made me wonder: would it be alright on the night?

Fresh from touring cabaret lounges at the Edinburgh Fringe, Rob Hemmens and Rhys Jones are indulging themselves in the mystery and whimsy of high Victoriana with a new show of theatrical magic which strikes the right balance between kitsch and entertainment.

The eponymous tricks are of the classic variety: time-tested sleights of hand that rely heavily on audience participation. Playing cards, cups and balls, metal rings: expect nothing particularly new or innovative.

Nevertheless, they are well executed and entertaining. What began with three sugar cubes hiding under tea cups rapidly transformed into an afternoon tea run amok, cakes and sugar cubes vanishing and reappearing with consummate ease.

Other tricks have a darker, vaguely macabre edge that hints at magic’s dalliance with occultism, such as when both magicians insert nails into their noses. The comic touches were frequently nuanced and skilful, but on occasion felt uncomfortably heavy-handed and forced, as if the magic couldn’t speak for itself.

Dressed in silky cravats and waistcoats, Hemmens and Jones are a likeable pair and evidently obsessed with their smart little set-pieces. The oddly endearing magical geekiness, however, comes at the expense of the theatricality and showmanship so vital in holding the show together between tricks. An audience might leave well informed about the history of Victorian magic, but they might not leave so well entertained.

That said, the show itself is solidly pleasing if not inspiring, and its intimate nature is perfectly suited to the close confines of the Burton Taylor. Like Jonathan Creek, both Hemmens and Jones have a background as theatre technicians that should blend any trilling violins and crimson lighting appropriately with the wizardry on display.

See this, if only to remind yourself how far a hobby can take you, and as a heartening change to the upcoming gamut of melancholy morbidity likely to dominate the Burton Taylor’s schedules for the rest of the term.

Tuesday – Saturday 2nd Week
Burton Taylor Studio

3 Stars

 

Dominant Hall send out warning

By
Tim Hanley
-

The Cuppers champions seem to have picked up where they left off last year smashing Trinity/LMH and laying down a marker for the season to come. Last year’s Cuppers victory came as a surprise to some and Teddy Hall are keen to make it clear that they are the force in First Division rugby now. Trinity/LMH had a huge task ahead of them having lost thirteen of last year’s squad and struggled to find some cohesion against tough opposition and but for gritty defence by the Trinity/LMH pack could have been sadly humiliated. It was also an opportunity to see how the newly instated ELVs affected the teams, but in a game in which the lineout was crucial and several driven mauls were on show they seem to have had little impact as yet.

In good conditions, the early game was riddled with errors, as one would expect in a season opener, both sides playing 10 man rugby. Unfortunately, Teddy Hall were forced to request uncontested scrums thereby incurring a five point penalty but this did little to affect the aggression of the forward battle. If anything Trinity/LMH had the better of the early exchanges, in particular blindside flanker Doug Riddle making his presence felt. However, a penalty for offside in the ruck saw Teddy Hall set up a lineout on the 22 and good mauling from the forwards allowed scrum half Justin Ibbett to skip through and score under the posts effectively making the score nil-all.

The game continued to be forward dominated, the Teddy Hall pack providing another try, both back lines seemingly lacking direction. A sustained period of pressure on the Teddy Hall line by the Trinity/LMH pack, led again by Riddle, the standout player of the side, was matched by determined Teddy Hall defence. A clever kick to the corner was well covered by the Teddy Hall back three and Trinity/LMH were denied their first points of the match. In possession again, quick hands up the right wing seemed to clear the way to the line but a try saving Tackle from winger Matt Betney denied Teddy Hall their second try. Teddy Hall were on the front foot however and minutes later fullback William Herbert crossed near the posts. Teddy Hall’s backline seemed to have found some rhythm and Herbert was once again seemingly away only to be brought down by another crucial tackle by Betney. However, the sustained pressure took its toll as Trinity/LMH’s troubles were increased when Captain Will Mackintosh left the field with a suspected dislocated shoulder.

Ibbett continued to set the tempo for Teddy Hall but a powerful run by the Trinity/LMH hooker set up a converted try for the visitors in the closing minutes of the half. The Trinity/LMH Backline seemed to take heart and a good passage of play saw them move up the field only for a loose pass to be intercepted by Teddy Hall outside centre Angus Eames to score under the posts. Halftime score, 17-7.
Teddy hall wasted no time in the second half scoring straight from the restart and utterly crushing the any momentum Trinity/LMH had built up. Dogged defence stalled successive Teddy Hall attacks but eventually clever work by Ibbett created another try near the corner and the game became a case of damage limitation.

Trinity/LMH’s pack continued to stick to the task and was bolstered by the surprise return of their captain to the field seemingly unfazed by his injury. But Teddy Hall were in full swing and creeping back in towards the end of the match.

This was by no means a perfect performance by Teddy Hall but they have laid the strongest foundations for the season to come. Trinity/LMH on the other hand can take comfort from the impressive performance of their pack but must find some adherence and penetration in their backline if they are to make this season a success. Final Score 51-12.

 

Keble overwhelm St Catz

By
Robin Pilgrim
-

The rugby season kicked off on Tuesday with the clash of champions Keble, perennial giants of college rugby, against last season’s runners-up St Catz. There was never much doubt that this hierarchy would be observed in the result, and a final score of 48-7 to Keble was fully deserved. There were a lot of new faces in the line-ups, with both camps plagued by pre-season injuries, but Catz undoubtedly walked off the field with a headache, while the champions are perhaps pondering the pleasant problem of who to leave out of the next game.

Catz kicked off well, immediately moving to a line-out near the 22-yard line, but Keble reared over them to snatch the ball and take play back into central field. This established a pattern for much of the game, with Catz keen to encourage set-pieces in order to try and limit Keble’s flowing possession, lacking the penetration themselves to challenge on the move. Inside-centre Matthew Perrins made two good runs early on, driving back the Keble 5 and 13 respectively, but Catz still remained anchored in mid-field, a situation not helped when scrum-half Donaldson’s break was undone by a poor throw. Keble by contrast were looking smooth; their flanker quickly turned a Catz scrum with a well-timed run which their scrum-half exploited, ramming down Catz’ defence and leaving debutant Neil Carriel plenty of space to score under the posts, easily converted by Considine.

A second try soon followed. The hefty Catz pack once again won a scrum only to immediately concede. A superb individual run down the left wing by the Keble scrum-half resulted in a score at the far post, a harder effort which Considine could not convert, the first of 4 such failures. Catz could not get a grip on the game; their re-start was driven back by the Keble number 8, and the pressure resulted in a third try, converted to leave the score at 19-0 and the game by now looking like a foregone conclusion. It was at this point that Catz found some spark, at last capitalising on victory in the scrum when Perrins and Donaldson, by far their most assertive players, combined beautifully. Their run culminated in the latter landing a try under the posts, which he then converted.

Predictably however, Keble responded in kind, their open-side flanker popping up neatly to take a decorous try. The same player soon after made a clever break, passed to the sizeable number 8 who belied his bulk in deceiving the Catz outside-centre, and fed for Jamie Littlejohns to claimed a personal second. The score at half time read 31-7, and matters deteriorated further for Catz when their captain did not return, injured with slight concussion.

Catz were scrambling desperately

The second half started in similar vein; Catz were scrambling desperately along their 22-yard line, the Keble open-side flanker and scrum-half maintaining fluid threatening movement, eventually resulting in a typically competent move between three players and another try. As before, Catz responded well when others might have just conceded defeat; there followed for the first time a period of sustained pressure on Keble, who conceded several penalties (perhaps excusable start-of-season rustiness) and were pinned back to their own 22-yard line until finally their fullback sped the ball back to the centre, and Ouldridge and Littlejohns took Keble once more to the Catz line.

Both teams were by now flagging; neither Rose nor Donaldson could capitalise on decent runs, and play was getting scrappier. It remained only for Ouldridge and Littlejohns to combine again to set up Heinrick for Keble’s eigth and final try, which Considine converted on the final play of the match, a fitting end for a smooth performance. Keble walk away satisfied, and will be formidable with a full squad; Catz too showed promise, but relied too much on a few individual play-makers.

They will look forward to weaker opposition.

Liveblogging the final Presidential Debate

By
Billy Kenber
-

04.12 | Summing up – For my money McCain had a strong night but, without a gamechanger, it doesn’t look like it will be enough. Given that the difference in tone and body-language seems to have made the difference in the first two debates, it’s not a surprise that Obama has picked up the ‘win’ again tonight. Short of a last-minute national security emergency, it’s hard to see what McCain could do to win this election after tonight.

In the meantime, I’ll be continuing to blog the developments and changing strategies of the last 20 days of this race. On election night itself I’ll also have a liveblog of-sorts via Twitter.

03.55 | Joe the plumber – Apparently the AP has reached him, and…drum roll please…. he won’t say which way he’s voting. CBS instant poll of 500 voters is in: 54-22 in favour of Obama in terms of who won. Twice as many uncommitted voters now say they’re in favour of the Democratic nominee.

03.42 | Insta-verdict – GOP pollster Frank Luntz’s sample grew has gone in favour of Obama but which way will ‘Joe the plumber’ have gone?

03.34 | The aftermath – The pundits are picking up on ‘Joe the plumber’ – Mr. Joe Wurzelbacher of Ohio. Oh, and apparently Palin’s son has Down’s Syndrome, not autism. Bit of a mistake for McCain there then seeing as he mentioned autism repeatedly.

03.28 | Closing statements – McCain’s delivered a similar final argument to his one in the previous debate. He talks about his history of reform, he calls himself “a careful steward of your tax dollars” and asks for an opportunity to “serve again. I’d be honoured and humbled,” he says.

Obama talks about the failed policies of the last eight years, and says the biggest risk would be to continue in the same direction and expect a different response. He runs over the key planks of his platform – middle-class tax cuts, healthcare reform etc. – and says he will work “tirelessly on your behalf and on the behalf of the future of your children.”

The candidates shake hands and it’s over. Good job by the moderator this evening.

03.17 | Education – Obama’s playing heir to the JFK legacy, talking about increasing the Peace Corps and offering college funds in exchange for volunteer or military service. Both talk about removing bad teachers and argue the school vouchers issue. Nothing new here.

03.08 | Roe v. Wade and Supreme Court nominations – Culture wars, could either candidate nominate a Supreme Court justice who has a different view on Roe v. Wade? McCain rejects the idea of a “litmus test” and says he will find those with “strict adherence to the constitution.” He walks a very tight line on whether he would nominate someone in favour of abortion.

Obama agrees that it’s important not to apply a strict test and talks about his views on recent decisions and on abortion generally. McCain has 18 minutes left for a gamechanger.

02.57 | Healthcare – Both just recite chunks of the stump speech. McCain then brings up ‘Joe the plumber’ again and says he will be fined for not sorting out insurance, and asks Obama (as he did in the second debate) again for the figure of the fine. Obama says the fine is zero because there is an exemption for small businesses. McCain looks genuinely shocked.

02.47 | Energy and climate change – Schieffer wants a number for how much American dependence on foreign oil can be decreased. Both simply talk about decreasing reliance on the Middle East and turn the question into a free trade debate. McCain says Obama has never been south of the border and seems somewhat surprised when the Democratic nominee is able to talk about the situation in Columbia and Peru. Whoever’s been prepping Obama has done a good job.

02.41 | Running mates – Why would the country be better off with your running mate as President than your opponent’s? Obama doesn’t even bother attacking Palin, he merely points out Biden’s impressive foreign policy credentials and working class roots.

McCain says the American people have “got to know Palin.” He talks through her ‘reformer’ credentials and calls her a “breath of fresh air”. Obama says Palin has “excited the base in the Republican party” and hits back on McCain’s earlier spending freeze, saying that something like autism needs more funding.

McCain says he’s had a lot of foreign policy disagreements with Biden but turns to calling Obama

02.37 | Ayres – McCain: “I don’t care about an old, washed-up terrorist.” McCain says the voters need to know the full extent of Obama’s relationship with Ayres and with ACORN (the organisation accused of voter registration fraud).

Obama says that Ayres is now an education professor in Chicago who committed “despicable acts” when Obama was 8, which the Senator says he condemned. However, he notes that he merely sat on a board with Ayres ten years ago and he’s had no role in his campaign. Obama also says ACORN is nothing to do with his campaign. These are pretty strong denials because they are pretty dubious connections. In rejecting the validity of an attack on Obama’s links with Rev Wright, this is all McCain has been left with.

Obama says that the fact McCain has made Ayres central to his campaign “says more about you than it does about me.” Chalk up a big win for the Illinois senator here.

02.26 | Going negative – “Both of you have pledged to take the high road,” what happened? McCain blames Obama, he says the tone would have been better if the Obama campaign had accepted his plan for ten town-hall debates. McCain asks Obama to refute Rep. John Lewis’s comment.

Obama points out that a recent study shows McCain’s ads are currently 100% negative. He appeals for debate on the issues, and says the American people deserve that.

McCain goes back to Lewis’s comment. Obama says “he inappropriately drew a comparison” with what happened during the Civil Rights Movement, and his campaign put out a statement to that effect.

I can’t see why McCain has brought this up, since it only serves as a chance for Obama to mention some of the comments that have been made at recent McCain rallies: “kill him”, “terrorist” and “Arab” are amonst the highlights. McCain stands by those who come to his rallies and hands Obama the floor to talk about issue disagreements. If McCain won the last segment, and I certainly think he did, Obama won this one.

02.14 | The deficit – Earlier this month, the US national debt clock ran out of digits. Schieffer asks if some of the plans of the two candidates will have to be cut. This is something that they’ve both been asked about in the two previous debates and they dodged the issue. Schieffer asks for specific program cuts.

Obama says his policies will save money, but won’t detail specific campaign proposals which will have to be cut back. McCain would use a hatchet to freeze federal spending, and would then “bring out a scalpel.” He goes on to give a number of specifics including ethanol subsidies.

McCain thinks he can balance the budget in four years. He turns to Obama: “I am not President Bush. If you want to run against President Bush you should have run four years ago.” McCain is hitting hard on Obama’s voting record on budgets, telling the American people that he offers change by cutting down spending. He’s delivering a strong answer here and appealing to those directly hurt by the economy.

02.04 | Economy recovery plan – Why is yours better? McCain opens with a shout out for Nancy Reagan who slipped over and broke a hip earlier today. Keen to avoid any suggestion of not showing enough respect to Obama, McCain turns to him and said he’s pleased to be debating with him this evening.

Both candidates are striking a serious, almost sorrowful tone so far. They’ve both given a summary of their plans – nothing new so far.

McCain is appealing directly to the blue collar workers who voted for Clinton in the primaries, and who have been the reason for Obama’s recent polling surge. In this case he’s talking about ‘Joe’, a plumber from Ohio. Obama again hits McCain’s corporate tax cut.

We’re still on Joe the plumber, the candidates are talking about “spreading the wealth around.” McCain calls Obama’s plan “class warfare.” Is ‘Joe the plumber’ the new ‘my friends’?

02.00 | We’re on – Bob Schieffer has completed his introduction and the candidates are out. They’re both sitting around a desk. It’s odd.

00.45 | Intro – With just 20 days to go until election night, the final debate between John McCain and Barack Obama will likely determine the next President of the United States (short of a last-minute October surprise). It’s no exaggeration to say that the Republican nominee needs a huge victory tonight. He’s trailing significantly in the polls – by as much as 14 points in one national poll released yesterday – and early voting in many states is allowing Obama to begin banking this lead.

McCain’s already tried a number of tactics to reclaim the lead. He suspended his campaing to try and claim authority on the economy issue, and has been running entirely negative ads for the last few weeks. The latter has suceeded only in lowering his own favourables, and boosting his opponents.

Obama has been creditedwith victories in the last two debates in focus group polls while McCain has come in for criticism for not showing enough respect towards Obama. Tonight, the McCain campaign has promised to raise the Bill Ayres issue and expect him to hit Obama hard on his tax plans. Obama, on the other hand, will be happy to play defence all night. He’s survived the debates thus far by keeping his head down and hitting back only when challenged. It’s a route he can take precisely because he is the front runner.

Tonight’s debate will be moderated by Bob Schieffer of CBS, and will be taking place at Hofstra University in Long Island, New York. Join me from 2am when the liveblogging fun begins for the final time. On election night itself (Nov 4) I’ll be liveblogging in limited form via Twitter.

Pullman wins battle for boatyard

By
Robert Dacre
-

Campaigners led by Philip Pullman are celebrating a victory in the fight to save a historic Oxford boatyard.

Last Wednesday, planning inspector Ava Woods rejected a proposal to build 54 housing units in Jericho’s Castle Mill Boatyard.

The plans by Spring Residential, a property company who bought the site in 2006, were deemed ‘out of place’ and ‘sterile’, by the inspector, who echoed Pullman’s earlier concerns.

The Exeter College alumnus had feared that the boatyard, which featured in the His Dark Materials trilogy, would be reduced to ‘a cluster of identikit houses’. Pullman, however, said the survival of the boatyard is not yet guaranteed, “it’s a very good result but it is only a stage on the way to restoring a full working boatyard.”

 

 

Speaking with… Ben Judah, correspondent

By
Chris Baraniuk
-

Malawi

By
Gini Sharvill
-

At the beginning of Easter 2008 I ordered return-flights to Malawi. At the beginning of summer 2008, the beginning of a tremendously massive four-month break, I got on a plane to Malawi. Friends had repeatedly asked me “Oh, Malawi…why?”, and at Heathrow at 4.30am on July 1st, I wasn’t entirely sure of the answer. Six weeks later, at Heathrow at 6.30pm August 13th, the answer was crystal clear.

Malawi is: poor, diseased and powerless.

Malawi is: beautiful, unspoilt and remarkably friendly – “The Warm Heart of Africa”.

Landlocked by Mozambique, Zambia and Tanzania and with little-to-no trade, Malawi figures as one of the poorest countries in the world. It also has the lowest doctor : patient ratio in the world, and is constantly battling the common fight against AIDS. It has the highest mountain in sub-Saharan Africa, national parks and safaris and a vast inland sea, yet a non-existent tourist structure
And because of all this, for my summer adventure 2008 – I chose Malawi.

I didn’t expect that the country would incomparably live up to its moniker of Africa’s “Warm Heart”, or that I would swim in the world’s best freshwater diving site in Lake Malawi, or that I would end up sponsoring two children through secondary school. I didn’t expect that I would come back to England proclaiming the wonder of a small and insignificant country whilst at the same time secretly hoping that nobody would really go there on my recommendations, and that Malawi would be left as mine. And I definitely didn’t expect to come back to England almost as pale as when I set out.

I built a mudhut. I ate sugarcane, salted-mice and boiled fur. I learned to like fish, because a local man cooked catfish for me as a present. I learned to like rice, because there was often nothing else.

I got accused of being a prostitute for flashing my left knee.
I danced on the hot sand of Lake Malawi until dawn, I walked into a herd of Buffalo, as surprised yet not as petrified as I was. I canoed nose-to-nose with hippos, narrowly avoided an elephant stampede, and saw what must be the world’s most incredible sunsets (can’t say I ever found out about the sunrises though).

I met some Rastafarians, called Coconut, Snoop and Geoffrey. I met many, many missionaries trying to bring Jesus in to the hearts of the African masses. I met, and cuddled, some impressive African mamas. I met a heartbreaking number of children and adults with HIV.

I met the president, twice. Well I saw him twice, at any rate. The first time was as I was landing in Lilongwe Airport, and was disappointed to realize that the red carpet, dancers and gospel singing were for the governmental plane in front of me, and had not in fact been organized by Malawi Tourism to welcome me into their country. The second time, I was in a city in the south called Blantyre, and the president drove in a procession through the streets. I waved at him, and I’m pretty sure we had eye contact. President Mutherika is widely considered a source of hope and stability in Malawi, taking personal control of food, agriculture and education, and quitting the UDF party with which he was elected in 2004 to dissociate himself from its corruption. He has promised, and delivered, improvement for Malawi – so if any asks, I met him. Twice.

I slept on sand, two metres from warm waters. I slept in the bush, to the sounds of hippos, baboons and frogs. I slept in the highlands, willing for sunrise and the unveiling of the view outside.

I didn’t get robbed, I didn’t get Malaria, I didn’t get harassed. I did get a lot of wooden sculptures of hippos, a lot of beaded necklaces, a lot of Malawi gin. And I did get sunburned.

I realised how time spent in Africa doesn’t necessarily qualify for time spent in the sun. It rained – I wore hats. It boiled – I wore bikinis. It was windy – I froze. It was stiflingly hot – I collapsed in the shade. In the course of six weeks, I shivered and sunburnt, took shelter from the sun and the rain, basked on the beach by the lake, then only two days later I wrapped myself in my sleeping bag at midday in the mountains and crouched by a fire.

I backpacked for a fortnight without meeting any other backpackers. I travelled on the back of pickup trucks, bicycles and dug-out canoes.

I stayed in two orphanages for three weeks, attempted to learn the Chichewa language and to like their basic food of sima. I failed at both. I showed children who had never seen a tennis ball before how to play rounders, catch, and British Bulldog. I taught children without a word of English how to sing Heads, shouders, knees and toes and Hokey Kokey. I showed them the wonder of books and saw their delight at having their first ever story read to them. They showed me how a hug is never lost in translation, how welcome a small touch of kindness is, and how friends can become the greatest source of love in your life. They showed me that happiness is irrelevant to your surroundings and your lot in life. They showed me that they could kick my ass at Duck Duck Goose every.single.time.

“Oh, Malawi…why?”

That’s why.

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