A spoof driving test posted on a website
by a Christ Church student prompted the driving
Standards Agency (DSA) to threaten legal action for the unauthorised use of the
company’s official logo. The threat was outlined in a letter sent last month to
third year physicist Andrew Steele, the student responsible for the ‘blog’. The
letter, which was received on 30 September, called Steele’s use of the DSA logo
an infringement of the DSA’s rights contrary to the Trade Marks Act 1994, as
well as being an infringement of [their] copyright”. The letter went on to request
Steele to remove the DSA logo from the spoof theory test and for them to agree “not
to make use of the DSA’s property rights in the future”. Steele said he was “a bit
surprised because the theory test has been online for two to three years.” The
letter requested that the logo be removed by 22 September, but was itself dated
28 September. Steele promptly replied to the letter, concerned that it may have
sent by an individual or group impersonating the DSA due to the mistakes with
the dates, the misspelling of their address and the lack of a reference code on
the letter.Within five working days he had
received a response assuring that the letter was in fact from the DSA, as well
as an apology for the mistake regarding the dates, stating that they had meant
to set the deadline of 22 October. Following the response, Steele edited the DSA
logo, and continued to use the edited version.  However, the commercial director
of DSA contacted Steele saying that he did not “find the logo acceptable given the
use of colour and style”, as the colours still matched those used by the DSA.
The DSA appeared to be offended by the spoof test, aside from the fact that
their logo was being used, saying, “Road safety is a matter taken very
seriously by the DSA and you are clearly treating this serious subject as a
light hearted one.”Steele then changed the logo, an action
noted by the DSA. However, the commercial director writing to Steele asserted
that the problem of the spoof theory test, posted online, put a “sarcastic slant
on the theory test”, and that the DSA “does not approve of or endorse [Steele’s]
‘Mock Theory Test’ in any way”. Steele said he “thought it was a bit
ridiculous that [the DSA was] wasting government time and resourceschasing up satirical student websites.”
He went on to add that “it’s what you would expect from a headmaster at a
boarding school rather than an official government organisation”.‘Blogs’ or weblogs are personal web
spaces usually containing periodic journal-style entries which may be used to
promote the views of individuals or political campaigns, media programmes and corporations.
Many blogs enable visitors to leave public comments.ARCHIVE: 3rd week MT 2005

An Oxford City
councillor has called for prostitution to be legalised in the Cowley Road area. Sajad Malik told the Oxford Mail,
“Prostitutes use anywhere dark and anywhere quiet in my ward to do their
business. They leave behind filth in alleyways, parks and tracks: it’s a health
issue.”He added, “It would be far safer for
the girls if they were in licensed premises where they could have regular health
checks. Prostitution has been going on for centuries; there is nothing we can do
to stop it.” Mr Malik proposed that Oxford
should consult Liverpool City Council who are currently setting up a scheme for
prostitution tolerance zones.Ruth Beer, councillor for Oxford Marsh
said she supported Malik in his frustration and that his decisionto speak out “raises awareness of
the problem and of the need to debate these issues.” Beer added “I completely understand
that no one wants it on their doorstep but criminalization obviously isn’t
discouraging it.” Members of the University have expressed
concern over the issue, particularly as Cowley is a popular areafor student accommodation. Ellie Cumbo,
OUSU VP (Women) said, “The Cowley Road doesn’t have themost impressive street safety
record as it is, which is already a grave concern for the many students who
live there.” She continued, “Female students already
feel extremely uncomfortable walking through parts of the area at night, and so
filling it with people who are specifically there to buy sex could hardly be
more detrimental totheir welfare.”Dr Ann Buchanan, dean of St Hilda’s
College said that she “would be very concerned” if the changes Mr Malik has
proposed came into place and she pointed out that “there have already been a
number of cases of students being approached inappropriately”. Emily Pull, JCR President for Exeter said, “There are
already a number of safety concerns about the Cowley/Iffley area with incidents
of sexual assaults and violence.” She added, “I believe this wouldlead to segregation of the centre
of Oxford and
Cowley even more so than exists at present and I don’t believe this is
something that is in anyone’s interest to do.” In a letter signed by Craig
Simmons (St Mary’s Ward) as well as four other Green Party councillors for theCowley area, support was given
for the legalisation of prostitution, but they stated that they did “not agreewith the Liberal democrats that Oxford should go it alone”.
“Our view is that such a change requires national legislation if the problem of
sex tourism ‘hot spots’ are to be avoided.”ARCHIVE: 3rd week MT 2005

The Ashmolean Museum this week confirmed they have completed the purchase of a painting by renowned Romantic artist Samuel Palmer for close to a quarter of a million pounds. The painting, titled The Prospect, was bought with grants from charitable funds but, unusually, members of the public were also asked to donate to a collection specifically created for the purchase of the work.The Ashmolean already owns an impressive collection of Palmer’s work, but this later work is considered a high point in his career.Susie Gault, the Museum’s press officer, said, “We are extremely thankful to
all those who helped the Ashmolean to acquire this unique watercolour.”ARCHIVE: 3rd week MT 2005

St John’s has suspended the next college bop
following several incidents of vandalism to College property. The 8th week bop
will go ahead as long as there is no further damage to college properties.
College authorities have also announced that the entire JCR and MCR will have
to pay for the damages. Faeces and urine were found in St John’s table tennis
room by cleaning staff a fortnight ago, as reported in Cherwell last week. In an email to the
JCR, Senior dean Dr Carolyne Larrington said that a professional cleaning
company was called in to decontaminate the room, at “considerable cost to the
College”. Last Saturday, following a St John’s bop, College
squash courts were vandalised. A third year undergraduate said, “As I
understand it, a fire extinguisher was dropped from the balcony of the squash
court, and exploded on the floor.” In the basement of the Beehive accommodation
block, rubbish was tipped into one of the toilets, leaving it in “an unusable state”.
Walls in the JCR Games Room were also vandalised and a pool cue was pushed
through the felt of the pool table.College authorities are
conducting an investigation into the vandalism. Dr Larrington said that “it
would be in everyone’s best interest if he or she contacts the Senior dean on a
confidential basis.” Several  undergraduates
at the College have been summoned by the Senior dean for questioning. Dr
Larrington declined to comment on decanal proceedings. Harry Kretchmer, JCR President, plans
to meet the Senior dean with several JCR members to discuss the recent
vandalism and action proposed by the College authorities to deal with it.
Kretchmer will also raise the issue of vandalism at the next meetings of the
JCR-MCR Joint Council and the decanal Committee.Speculation as to the identity of
the “college poo bandit” is rife around St
John’s. Some JCR members have noted that the faeces
were discovered following a St John’s
and St Anne’s joint rugby team curry night. Last Tuesday a Cherwell reporter received a text message
from a member of the rugby team which said, “If the story sees print, I will hunt
you down and kill you.” At the time of sending, the rugby team was on a crew
date at The Bridge. “Exclusions have been mentioned,”
said Kretchmer, “though they may only be temporary.” In an e-mail to the JCR, Dr
Larrington said, “The damage to the Table Tennis Room last week will be paid
for by a general damages levy across the JCR and MCR. Further levies may be
imposed.”Some members of the JCR feel that
the general damages levy is unfair. A second year at the College said, “I wasn’t
even at the bop, man, and I didn’t even shit in the table tennis room. I don’t
see why I should have to pay for it.” “I’m not planning on paying the levy,”
said Clem Mitchel, a third year, “it’s like they’re trying to hit a nail with a
sledgehammer.” Another finalist added, “It’s ridiculous that the SCR doesn’t
have to pay the levy. Dons are just as likely to poo on the walls as first
years.” Kretchmer said, “While there is a
sense of ambiguity over the identity of the culprit we all have to take responsibility.
Everything rests on whether someone is caught.” He said that investigations
into the vandalism were ongoing and that “the JCR Committee is working closely
with the Senior dean to resolve the issues surrounding these incidents”.He added, “This behaviour is not representative
of St John’s
JCR or MCR, many of whom have written to me expressing their disgust at the incident.”
“Day to day I find the College to be an extremely pleasant friendly community.”ARCHIVE: 3rd week MT 2005

The Chancellor of Oxford University has
spoken publicly for the first time in support of attempts to reform the University.In a speech to an audience of alumni last
week, Lord Patten suggested that Cambridge should
follow Oxford’s
lead and introduce sweeping reforms if it is to remain a world-class
university. He said that he hoped Oxford’s
efforts would “make it easier for Cambridge
to follow us if we can get sensible proposals in place.” Cambridge declined to comment. Patten told Cherwell, “Oxford is a great university but we have to
ensure that our management is up to the task of keeping us world-class. John Hood’s
reforms are the culmination of a reform process that began a decade ago. I
strongly support what he is doing which would help us to get more support from
benefactors and to persuade the government to be more generous.”Lord Patten’s comment comes ahead of a
meeting of the Congregation on 1 November to examine a governance discussion
paper. The paper is a revised version of a May Green Paper produced by the
Working Party on Governance and led by the Vice-Chancellor entitled “The Governance
Structure”. This paper proposed to separate academic and institutional
governance by having an academic council and also a board of trustees to look
after the University’s administration, financial and property management. The
board of trustees was to be composed exclusively of external members, an idea
which many disliked.The latest discussion paper has replaced
the board of trustees with a council, which will contain seven external members
and seven internal members and will be chaired by Patten. The academic council, initially to be
comprised of 150 members has also been streamlined to 36, among whom will be
two student representatives. This will be chaired by the Vice-Chancellor.A spokesperson for the University pointed
out that under the existing system, the Vice-Chancellor is responsible for both
academic and institutional governance and so there could be a potential
conflict of interest. By contrast, both the Green Paper in May
and the reformed discussion paper will separate the two areas.The spokesperson added, “Under the
governance proposals, the Congregation retain ultimate power: they can move a vote
of no confidence in anything Council does.” She said, “The Congregation will
have the opportunity to discuss the proposals on 1 November, and that is a
forum for a frank exchange of views, and an airing of any potential concerns,
about the proposals, after which written responses will be received.” Andrew Graham, The Master of Balliol and a
new member of the University’s Council, commented, "The new proposals from
the Working Party on Governance show that there has been a great deal of
intelligent listening. There are still some points of substance to
discuss – and I shall want to hear what colleagues have to say in the debate in
Congregation – but, in my view, we are now heading in the right
direction."The University spokesperson explained the
need for governance reform: “Oxford
University is a large and
complex organisation with 17,000 students, nearly 8,000 employees, and a
turnover, including OUP, of £880m, so it’s essential that the system if
governance is appropriate for the size and complexity of the institution. Since
the governance structure was last reformed in
2000, it has become clear that the current system is not entirely satisfactory and
can be improved. One of the main aims of the proposed changes is to ensure that
academic decisions can be made in the fullest confidence that the University
has the best possible institutional framework (financial, legal and
administrative) in place to support and sustain the academic endeavour.”ARCHIVE: 3rd week MT 2005

Last week’s edition of The Oxford
Student was pulled after the University threatened Oxford Student Services Ltd
(OSSL), the paper’s owners, with an injunction against its publication.The action pre-empted an article that
concerned an ongoing proctoral investigation into an allegation of harassment
brought by a student against another undergraduate. Internal investigations of
this kind are governed by the University’s procedural regulations, which ensure
that the confidentiality of those involved is maintained.An Oxford University
spokesperson told Cherwell that although the University
proctors had been aware that The Oxford Student was running the story they only
intervened at a later stage, when it became apparent that the article contained
specific details from a confidential report on the investigation. Having initially refused to pull the
story, editorial staff agreed to the measure after the University sought legal
advice on the matter. OSSL was informed that the University was able to go to
court that evening to prevent the distribution of the issue.OUSU President Emma Norris stated,
“The decision to stop distribution was made jointly by the publisher and
editorial staff and agreed by all involved.”  As the issue had already been printed,
the papers themselves were confiscated and sent to the University’soffices in Wellington Square. They will remain there
until all copies can be destroyed. The Oxford
Studentwill continue to be published as normal
for the rest of the term. The paper costs an estimated £3,000
to print per issue, but the potential cost to OSSL of the paper being withdrawn,
including revenue from advertising sales, could exceed £10,000.The University gave its reason
for requiring the paper’s withdrawal in an official press release: “Publishingdetails of such a case would be
highly detrimental both to the conduct of a fair disciplinary process and, potentially,
to the welfare of the students involved in the case.” In relation to the details of the
story the University stated, “The edition carried confidential details of an ongoing
University disciplinary case against an undergraduate, which had been released
to the paper in breach of the University’s procedures and without the consent
of the individuals involved.”OSSL has the authority to veto articles
if they are in breach of the law, but Norris asserted that “other than this The
OxStu is editorially independent”. One source has informed Cherwell that confidentiality agreements have
been signed by those involved in the production of the article, preventing
details of the story from being revealed. Both OUSU and the University have
refused to comment on this matter.Rob Lewis, Editor of The Oxford Student,
confirmed that “a story had to be pulled after a legal matter was brought to
our attention,” but declined to comment further. While the paper made efforts to
maintain the anonymity of the students involved, the University has expressed
concern that “in a close community such as a university, anonymity cannot be
guaranteed simply by changing names, particularly when extensive details of a
case are published.” A University spokesperson
defended the decision, saying that if details of the investigation had been circulated,
it may have lead students to lose faith in the University’s justice system,
which operates entirelyconfidentially. They further explained that in normal
legal proceedings no paper would be able to publish documents being submitted
to the court during a hearing, hence the University’s action over its own
internal justice proceedings.No legal action was taken against
editorial staff, but the University may have done so had the issue been distributed.
Norris said, “No one is liable to legal action as a result of this story, as
the paper was not distributed so no law could have been breached.”ARCHIVE: 3rd week MT 2005

The agenda for last Friday’s OUSU council meeting, where a vote to
boycott Coca-Cola was passed by an overwhelming majority, contains two
points of significant interest. The first is a quotation from a
spokesperson representing the workers at Coke’s Colombian factory: “We
ask Coca-Cola to stop killing, and you to stop drinking Coke.” These
striking words are accompanied by a list of statistics detailing Coke’s
alleged role in a string of deaths, imprisonments and threats.The
second is the proposed reason for OUSU’s involvement with these issues:
“The case of Coke is of particular importance to us because students –
by their membership of NUS and hence democratic control over the
purchasing of many large venues – are in a uniquely powerful position
to respond.”Whether or not we support the motion – and the
implication of it being passed by such a majority is that we do – we
must consider how genuine its importance to us is. Is our purchasing
power a genuinely good reason to involve ourselves in such a dispute?
There are surely other unions throughout the country with the same
commercial force. Yet student unions are unique in their involvement in
matters unrelated to the primary concerns of their members.The
question of what OUSU is has, since its inception, not been
successfully answered. Indeed, the end of term reports of last year’s
Executive Officers show that the same uncertainty exists inside the
organization as in the minds of many students: whether OUSU should
exist primarily to support or to represent its members.The role
of any student union is in many ways subject to the same uncertainty.
Significant pieces of legislation complicate the matter: John Major’s
1994 Education Act puts a burden on these institutions of having to
represent not only their members but the student community in general.
The NUS acts as an unwieldy umbrella organization for the overambitious
goal of representing students throughout the nation.But OUSU’s
position is unique. Cherwell has reported on and off for nearly forty
years the imminent arrival of an ever-elusive central student venue.
John Blake, last year’s OUSU President, makes explicit statements in
his end of term report which call for the sale of OUSU’s two most
Oxford-facing ventures, the Oxford Student and Zoo, to private
companies. There is a perennial schism in the two OUSUs: one a
representative campaigning force, the other a semi-commercial
publishing and Entz body.Perhaps the problem is that we are
already so well catered for by our JCRs, political groups, college
officials, orchestras and so on. Perhaps the problem is that despite
this there are no other effective outlets for global political views to
be heard. Perhaps there is no problem at all.At present, OUSU’s
role is a source of confusion for many students. Occasional anger and
distrust must stem from such a situation, but this does not tackle any
of the problems. What many perceive as OUSU’s isolation, whether
self-perpetuated or external can be of little benefit to the student
body at large. An increase in interest by students in a body which is,
after all, there to protect their interests could hardly be a bad
thing. Whether positive or negative, some input from the rest of us
would at least be a start.ARCHIVE: 2nd week MT 2005

I recently sponsored a friend of mine to go on a Rhino Run. This rather bizarre excursion involves jogging for many miles in a silly costume, all in the good name of improving the lot of certain long-suffering rhinoceri. It is, of course, all for charity. And this got me thinking about the nature of giving and, more specifically, the media coverage of ‘compassion fatigue’ in Britain. It seems that, bombarded with so many images of suffering humans on television and in the newspapers, the effort of actually feeling sorry for them wears us out. So tired are we of these emotions that God forbid we ourselves are caught in an earthquake or tsunami.The term ‘compassion fatigue’ was originally coined to explain the response of doctors, policemen and other emergency personnel to their daily experiences. When faced consistently with humanity at its worst, these people become more cynical in their outlook on their jobs, as a method of coping with the constant stress. The result of this is that they tend to view patients or victims in a abstract fashion, failing to connect with them on a personal level.However, by giving a name to this phenomenon, we are able to diagnose the problem and then set about solving it: counselling for these emotion-draining professions means that they can feel more empathy with those in their care. There is no such panacea for our more modern version of ‘compassion fatigue’ – while we can shun the troubling pictures of suffering children and bereaved wives, they will still stubbornly refuse to go away. So what does the term actually mean in its new incarnation, and does the reaction it covers actually exist?It seems to me that the problem is born from laziness. Not just the laziness of people who don’t want to donate money and who crave a semi-intellectual defence, but the laziness of journalists who can’t be bothered to get to the root of a problem. It is true that the response to the tragedy in Kashmir from the public has not been as swift, or as plentiful, as the response to the tsunami last year, but the reasons for this are much more varied than a simple two word phrase could ever encapsulate. The tsunami’s timing was impeccable from a journo-hack’s point of view; juxtaposing the holiday celebrations of the affluent in this country with the unmatched suffering of hundreds of thousands halfway across the world made for a simple moralising byline. While this inspired some poignant stories of toddlers’ donated presents, and was very successful initially by raising money for aid agencies, the overwhelming emotion it caused was guilt.It is the inevitable backlash of that quick-fix approach that we see now. People are not tired of giving, or unable to feel pity, but instead they bridle at the stream of pictures, carefully chosen to provoke maximum sympathy, which flood our television screens. Reports of corruption and waste in certain charities’ handling of the funds has also taken its toll: quite understandably, we don’t want to be manipulated into giving or have our hard-earned money used to line the pockets of bureaucrats. However, although this is an important factor in explaining why the flow of donations has dried up, I believe that the main difficulty lies elsewhere. The real trouble which faces us at the moment is not ‘compassion fatigue’, but rather a kind of ‘compassion confusion’. With so many ‘worthy’ causes available to donate to, we find it difficult to support those which matter most. People, being fickle creatures, are happier to sponsor a friend to sit in a bath of baked beans for an hour than to simply call up an automated helpline and hand over their credit card details; this inevitably results in more money for underfed rhinos, but also in fewer supplies going to Kashmir, Niger or New Orleans. This is not the time to turn our attention away from suffering; our front pages may be full of David Beckham’s latest folly or the university exploits of a privileged public school boy, but we must remember where our attention should be focused.The damage done by these disasters does not simply leave with the media coverage: the Kashmir earthquake alone is said to have wiped out an entire generation, so its effects will be felt for decades yet. We must act to alleviate the pain of those suddenly struck down, and not just for the immediate future but for the long term. Charities don’t need an occasional gift, but steady donations which can sustain their extended operations.‘Compassion fatigue’ is a catch-all term, a myth created to help people avoid guilt. The actual problems are much more subtle, but I hope that they are easier to overcome once they have been identified. With that in mind, my suggestion would be to find a cause you feel strongly about and get involved as soon as possible.ARCHIVE: 2nd week MT 2005

Few things in life can be said with certainty. The fact that the majority of people who come out of Oxford will go on to lead utterly unremarkable lives just happens to be one of them.As the biggest pandemic in recent history prepares to spread its menacing wings over Europe, the complacency with which the problem is being tackled is even more worrying than the destruction that it could bring.With all the potential for catastrophic losses and yet none of the glorious epitaphs that dying in battle for king and country entails, the idea that something as devastatingly unglamorous as bird flu could have a profound effect on the socio-economic and political landscapes of this century verges on the inconceivable.And yet the pandemic and its global spread are inevitable. The birds are definitely coming, the rest is just a matter of time and scale. And as we stare blankly at conflicting figures of casualty estimates thrown up by our computer screens, anonymous specialists around the world are working on finding ways to control the outbreak.It is all too easy to write off the daily “avian flu” headlines as just another editor’s bird-fetish-inspired whim; story-fillers whose sole destination will be the dustbin of medical history, following the previously trodden paths of mad cows and SARS.In reality the new war we face involves working against an ever-changing and invisible enemy. It is an enemy too intangible to be used to motivate or induce fear the masses, too vague to be of any use in morale-inducing propaganda. A purely intellectual war, its battlefield will be labs and its soldiers decked in overalls. Something so distant from our ordinary lives and understanding seems natural to be left to the specialists to sort out. And yet the decisions they make in the coming months could determine whether the death toll is 5 million or 150 million.The dangerous tendency to be complacent and rely on others to deal with such problems is all to easy to fall back on. Of all the supposedly top intellects in the country graduating each year from Oxford, only a small few will go on to hold positions of any real responsibility. And even though the next in line to have his or her past retched out before them by a hoard of hungry journalists could be standing next to you, the majority of students will be happy to carry on leading their day-to-day lives, knowing that nothing of such a potentially devastating scale could ever depend on them.The death toll of the Spanish pandemic of 1918-1919 matched that of the Second World War, a fact difficult to reconcile with the difference of public perception of the two events.However, considering the fact that the tactics in fighting the former ‘war’ included outlawing handshakes and imprisoning those who coughed in public, this is not surprising.Hitchcock envisaged a world where birds poke people’s eyes out; Bulghakov wrote about failed attempts to breed giant chickens generating an army of killer snakes. The reality is much less exciting, and its effects in the context of our complacent ignorance all the more grim. Our trust is placed blindly into the hands of unseen specialists. Meanwhile the rest of us continue to measure out our lives with coffee spoons; the only overwhelming question that we can bring ourselves to ask concerning the uncertain future of pigeon post.ARCHIVE: 2nd week MT 2005

We live, it is said, in a city of beautiful buildings and ugly people. We are continually portrayed as lacking passion and social skills, losing our virginities at about the same time our BAs metamorphose into Masters degrees. We are apparently less attractive, less sociable and less likely to get laid than students elsewhere, although the chances are good that we will end up marrying each other, if only because no one else will. In fact, it seems that no one other than JP Morgan lusts after an Oxford student.Keen to investigate this, I regarded the influx of a new generation of freshers with an eager eye. From the lengthy crocodiles of new students traversing the High Street will be drawn a new flock of hacks and upstarts, thesps and boaties, socialites and socialists. Our university will, sadly perhaps but probably inevitably, stratify itself as it does each year. Within a few short months, weeks even, the different tribes separated by subject and college, as well as class, wealth and faith, will have identified each other and introverted themselves.However, for a blink of an autumnal eye everyone is in the same boat of finding where things are and trying to remember names. The future ‘Bridge girl’, who by November will be far too cool for college, goes to buy her gown with the computer scientist who will be social secretary of the Dungeons & Dragons Society in Hilary. In my own college I saw several acres of pashmina founder on tough northern lads who clearly wondered why the womenfolk were wearing tents. Like the end of a war or the fall of a siege Oxford’s freshers’ week produces some strange meetings, and not just with the tutors. But does it throw up some unlikely bedfellows?Certainly the chivalrous second year tactic of plying a fresher with sambuca and then stealing her keys delivered some results, but as this newspaper wryly commentated it was not “all about getting pissed and getting laid”. Intrigued as to why it wasn’t just the chemists who couldn’t find much chemistry, I found myself in Blackwell’s on the Thursday of 0th week trying to pretend I was not reading a large blue volume. The author was an American journalist called Neil Strauss, the title was The Game. A subheading simply declared “undercover in the world of Pick Up Artists”.Strauss’ story is essentially a tale of transformation from rags to sexual riches. A self confessed geek, he fell in with a “community” of men who styled themselves as “Pick Up Artists”, or “PUAs”, and claimed to have discovered and codified routines that would allow them to seduce any woman. He was eventually hailed as the world’s greatest PUA after one of his students used his routines to secure Paris Hilton’s phone number in a Hollywood diner. Strauss’ narrative did not really interest me but I was intrigued by the techniques he espoused. Reading further it seemed that Strauss had essentially perfected the well-proven mantra of ‘treat them mean to keep them keen’.Cleverly and consistently he had devised techniques and eventually an entire lifestyle that was conceived to convince his targets of his active disinterest in them right up until the moment he had lured them into bed. He would dress deliberately eccentrically (a habit known as “peacocking”) and approach women with a “false time constraint”: a wholly fictitious lie that he had other business to attend to and could not, therefore, harass them all night. An innocuous opener deliberately void of sexual intent would be followed by a barrage of mind reading exercises and magic tricks, and then his most powerful tool, the “neg”. Realising that beautiful women are bored by compliments and men fawning over them, Strauss chose instead to clothe a subtle insult within an overt compliment. The “neg” was intended to shred the target’s self esteem, and kick her interest buttons. I was sceptical, particularly when I chanced upon the sample “neg” in the book: “Nice hair, is it real?”Even the proffered alternative of “You have nice teeth, they make you look just like Bugs Bunny” did not convince me. Surely voicing doubts about a maiden’s curls could not be the way to her heart, or her bedroom? But then again, the anecdotal evidence seemed stacked in Strauss’ favour. As I considered the matter it became more and more obvious that there was only one way to put The Game to the test – I would have to play my own game and take Strauss’ ideas into the field. And where better to give them the acid test than Oxford, bastion of celibacy and libraries?Taking on the mission required a measure of anxious self-examination. I was, to be honest with myself, using a self-help book to pick up girls. Was my subconscious trying to tell me something? Nervously scrutinising my past
interactions with the fairer sex I decided I was probably not, in Strauss’ terminology, an “AFC” (average frustrated chump), but then again I was certainly not a master “Pick Up Artist” either. Whilst I had once briefly topped my college’s “Fit Fresher” poll on Oxford Gossip, I had to concede that electoral apathy may have played a roll as I garnered only three votes. I had undoubtedly been lucky to escape the Oxford curse relatively unscathed; there are a few Akam exes scattered amongst the dreaming spires, even if a couple of them only hold day membership of the club. But then again I had to admit to myself that I had never asked a girl if her hair was real, or spent one night in Paris. It was clearly time to learn.Time was of the essence. It had taken Neil Strauss two years to learn his game, but I only had a few hours. After all, I had an essay to write. So, on an autumnal afternoon in Oxford I set out to become a “Pick Up Artist”. I considered several hunting
grounds. A club seemed most obvious, but my fellow features editor pointed out that using mind games to pull in Filth would be degrading to both myself and this newspaper.Therefore I decided to test the game in an Oxford situation: I would have to pick up a girl in a library. After all, the (Radcliffe) camera never lies. I chose the Rad Cam as the location for my Bodleian Romance, lured partly by its reputation as a social Mecca and in part by its undeniable resemblance to a gigantic nipple. I decided I would have to “peacock”: I was determined to dress to impress. Unfortunately I only possess one fancy dress costume, and there was no way I was going to the Rad Cam in a caveman suit. I donned instead a cavalry service dress jacket in khaki serge, emblazoned with steel imperial eagles on the lapels. I teamed this with a florid pink shirt with loose double cuffs, jeans, hooped blue and pink socks and highly polished brogues. I looked like I had just deserted from the Franco-Prussian war onto Carnaby Street, but I was confident I had the right look. Better men than I had fought and died in that uniform, and I knew it would do me justice. Aware too of the need for accessories, as well as the requirement to pretend to work so as not to blow my cover, I hid a calligraphic dip pen and a pot of Swiss green ink in a battered leather briefcase.Disguise complete, I left the daylight of Radcliffe Square behind me. I seized the strategic ground by the photocopiers and ostensibly checked the facebook whilst assessing the situation. The theology aisle was a disappointment, inhabited as usual by those who couldn’t find a space in the English section. Elsewhere, however, rich pickings were to be found, even among the few who held
the controversial view that the library is a place for serious scholarship. Having settled myself down opposite a promising brunette I opened my pot of ink and toyed with my pen. I glanced across – spoken openers clearly would not work, so my approach would have to be written. Fortunately the librarians had clearly considered this issue and thoughtfully left trays of pink shelving slips in the middle of each table, so I had a plentiful supply of billet-doux. I considered my opener. I did not have the heart to pass a clothed insult across the no man’s land between us, so instead merely wrote “You have nice hair” and cast it into the walnut ulu across the table. The response was not ideal, despite smiling she made no response and dashed for cover to the loos at the first available opportunity. My fragile self-confidence was shattered and I considered calling off the whole operation, before reasoning that I had been too soft and my “negging” skills had been lacking.There was, however, no way I was going to write “Is your hair real?” and offer the slip to a random individual; I had horrifying visions of being marched from the library in disgrace and falling under a permanent Bodleian ban. Instead I decided to take a safer option and reclaim the stereotypes for my own advantage: all the prettiest students are supposed to be at Brookes, and they are allowed into the Bodleian in their third year, once they have learned to read. Therefore there was a possibility, albeit a slim one, that an attractive Rad Cam denizen would in fact be a Brookes imposter. I carefully wrote “You have nice hair – are you at Brookes?” on yet another pink slip. It was the perfect Oxford “neg”, and this time the response was better. A bored looking blonde wrote back, “No, St Johns”, although she was less than impressed when I passed the reply “Close Enough” back inside the front cover of a volume entitled Sexual Deviance.By this point my antics were becoming increasingly obvious to the fifty-something DPhil veteran in the seat next to me. It could only be a matter of time before he betrayed me to the authorities on charges of illegal ink consumption and licentious pamphleteering. Therefore I had to make my last attempt the most worthwhile. I charged my remaining pink slip with another Brookes comment, sailed down the aisle that faces Brasenose and left it on another desk. I had noticed the desk’s owner a moment before as she manned the photocopier: she was blonde, and built like a racing schooner. Perhaps she actually was at Brookes.However my intuition turned out to be false: she was the genuine article. I made a return pass of her desk a minute later and picked up the reply in a feminine green hand “Thankyou, I’m at Oxford Uni.” I responded quickly, while ostensibly perusing volumes of Feuerbach; I toyed with “What’s a nice girl like you doing in a place like this?”, but chose instead “Do you come her often?” Once more the reply appeared, although I lingered before collecting it, not wanting to appear too eager. The pen had changed to black, which I took to be a good sign: “I’m a fresher so I haven’t really had much of a chance yet. Seems like a good place to study! What do you read? Where?” She was clearly interested: now was the time to close the deal.
Three simple headings on another pink slip: “English (Occasionally), Worcester, Number?”This was make or break time.Once more I lingered before collecting the reply, but I need not have. The same hand and same ink: “This is probably just the sort of thing a young lady is supposed not to do, but hey.” The magical digits followed. I had done it. With a simple combination of ridiculous clothing, subtle “negging” and green ink and eclectic stationary I had conjured the number of a girl I had never met, never talked to, and whose name I did not even know from the Bodleian ether. Perhaps the game had something to it.That night I headed out into the gloaming with a photographer in tow to get some images to complete this article. I felt exhausted by the days events, and in no mood for further attempts at seduction. However, I gathered enough courage for one more skirmish. We opened with the line “We’re journalists doing a feature, will you pose for some images with me?” Bizarrely this procured amazing results. Through some unforeseeable cosmic accident a bevy of Danish exchange students had wound up in Thirst, and were more than willing to drape themselves over me for such a serious journalistic purpose. As our photographer snapped away and we collected an embarrassing amount of e-mail addresses, the other men in the bar looked at us with a mixture of anger, suspicion and disbelief.Suddenly the real meaning of what Strauss had attempted became clear to me: it was never about dressing up, or veiled insults, or looking disinterested. Rather it was about projecting an image and appearing at the centre of attention. The idea was clearly to be the ringleader, whether through conversational sharpness or, as we were, by offering the tangible prize of media exposure.As we left shortly afterwards to pad off into the rainy night with a memory card full of Copenhagen’s finest, I pondered the day’s events. I was not a convert, but I had learnt a thing or two. The only decision left was
whether or not to call her.
Simon Akam would like to apologise to all the women he approached in the research for this article.
ARCHIVE: 2nd week MT 2005