Renaissance Man: Week Five

If you were born into a good family in a well-off area, then it’s unlikely that you’ve experienced mugging. You’re missing out on an essential piece of life in Cameron’s Britain.

Mugging is gritty, real street theatre. Although a rite of passage, many students have never been mugged and without having done it before, it’s easy to feel intimidated. What should you wear? How should you behave?

That’s where the bespoke mugging firms come in. For just a small extra commission, you can pay to be mugged at a location of your choice arranged days in advance. Optional extras include choice of weapon, and a variety of injuries inflicted.

It’s a service many moving to London find incredibly useful. Local crime lord ‘Shanker’ explained to me that there was a big demand in certain areas, as young middle-class graduates fresh from universities like Oxford arrived and wanted the authentic urban experience.

“We’re catering for a new demographic, often first-time muggees,” he explained to me at a secret location in London, as he took a sip from his Starbucks coffee and read the local Shoreditch Gazette. “They’re often a bit nervous about being mugged, and you want your first time to be with somebody who’s experienced and knows what they’re doing.”

He admits that he’s been surprised by the uptake. “Some people seem to be doing it just for fun,” he explains. Talking to a few previous clients, it seems clear that once you’ve got the mugging bug, you just can’t stop.”

Simon has paid to be mugged over ten times. “It costs less than a trip to the National Theatre,” he explained to me. “And it’s always fantastic. Plus, what other muggers can claim to be 100% vegan and organic?” He’s started to use the surprise mugging service, where you’re jumped by gangs when you’re least expecting it.

“There was one awkward moment when I got mugged by somebody who wasn’t actually from the company. But I just look at it as a free mugging!” he jokes.

As I say goodbye to Shanker at the train station, he pulls a knife on me. “Give us your phone,” he says. I nervously hand it over, unsure if I’m doing it right. “That was great!” he reassures me, as he hands me a mugging receipt. “Nice doing business with you.”

Getting mugged is something you can’t usually put a price on, but in this case you can: whatever you have on you, plus a 15% commission.