The Cherwell Encyclical: HT 3rd Week

Donald Tusk, President of the European Council, has sparked rumours about whether he is really Noel Edmonds, as he walked out of number 10 Downing Street last Sunday and told the waiting reporters “no deal”. The remark somewhat explains number 10’s recent delivery of numbered red boxes and an old fashioned black telephone. However, the technical details of how exactly they are playing still remains unclear. My guess is that Donald is Noel, David is the contestant and Merkel is the banker. From the quality of the EU reforms being offered, it also appears that the PM did not pick a very good box.

  

Ecologists in New Zealand are beginning to sequence the genomes of the entire population of their native kakapo (though there are only 125 of them). One of the kakapos has already had its DNA sequenced in the US, and researchers were said to be amazed to find that the sequence was suspiciously similar to that of David Cameron. With parrots’ ability for repeating words of little significance, I am not surprised.

  

One person said not to be interested in the genomes of parrots is Julian Assange. He is more concerned with getting out of the Ecuadorian embassy, which is understandable considering that he has been there since 2012. It is about the same length as most undergraduate degrees so, if it is of any consolation, he hasn’t wasted much more time than the rest of us. On Thursday a UN panel (though only 3 out of 5 on the panel voted in favour and, well, there were only 5 people) announced that Assange is being ‘arbitrarily detained’. If arbitrary detention in a Knightsbridge embassy is a valid excuse for not handing in an essay, I am currently willing to trade.