As Sweeny Todd once said, ‘There’s a hole in the world like a great black pit/and it’s filled with people who are full of shit.’ My inference faculties tell me that he was, in the aforementioned utterance, referring to Cherwell offices. What goes on there might be described as ‘debauched’ if I didn’t find that word repulsive. My serving boy has just informed me that, in a sick reader-seeking stunt, the paper is introducing ‘epileptic fit college’, in which votes are cast on which seizures are most spectacular. This, and many other things like it, lead me to enforce the censorship of the Cherwell newspaper. My very reliable sources inform me that this would not be the first time such a feat has been attempted, and I’m sure with me behind the cause then I’ll finally get some peace.Let’s be straight here, I am an open minded man and have no problem with people writing. However, the approach of this publication seems rotten to the tummy and it must be done away with. For starters, this whole Vice-chancellor feature means that every week someone new is getting into my imaginings and rummaging around looking for things to write about. It is highly disturbing as I try to draft legislation to make Oxford work good. In adjoinment, the news section involves going out and about and telling people what’s happening here and now. What’s with all this up to date bullshit?Everyone knows the ’40s are where it’s at, the focus should be on what was happening then. That time Archibald chewed through a bus…These words on paper then make their way into student rooms in colleges where they are read and discussed by all. This cycle of writing and talking goes round and round getting deeper and deeper until eventually no one is willing to join the army. The journalists stroll about the town with their clipboards and satchels like they’re real people. It’s unnatural, like a toddler eating sushi. I will set about banning this behaviour and making them play with etch-a-sketch instead and swapping their tight little pants for all in ones.I was reading the text on a bargain bucket and Colonel Sanders said he had a dream, he dreams of a world where people go about their business eating wholesome food and enjoying the simple things in life. That sums up perfectly my vision of Oxford, in fact I’m pretty pissed off I didn’t whip that epithet out when giving my little speech to try and make all the ‘profs’ vote Hood. I want the little guys here to do their cute little academic stuff in the days and spend the nights feeding the ducks. These ideas that they publish are twisted and dangerous. No man under forty has thoughts capable of being set to ink. The Greeks had it right- democracy is only for the wrinkly. These little ones need their wings clipping for their own good. Kids: you’re young: live life, don’t report it.
by Jack Marley-Payne
If I were Vice-Chancellor for a day…I’d ban Cherwell once and for all
