JCR President told to plump up

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Hertford’s JCR President has been told to pile on the pounds after the JCR passed a “banterous” motion on Sunday calling for him to “return to his former glory.”

JCR Treasurer Tim Boothman proposed the motion concerning the President Jon Colclough’s weight at the first meeting of term, noting Colclough’s “rapid” and “irresponsible” loss of significant body mass over the holidays. The motion warns of the President being “dangerously close to being presentable and/or ‘attractive’, an unprecedented occurrence.”

The JCR meeting minutes from 27 April reveal the motion stipulating Colclough’s principal electoral appeal as being “his humourous appearance (like Oliver Hardy),” and that his weight loss had hurt his charisma, which is described as being “directly proportional to his body mass.”

It goes on to say, “a JCR President, as the primary representative of College, must be required to be both charismatic and entertaining.” 

The proposed resolution called for the President to gain back any weight that Colclough had lost, and also “for all future presidents to be banned from weight loss post-election.” Emily Watson, member of Teddy Hall and also girlfriend of the newly slimmed Hertford JCR President seconded the motion. It passed unanimously.

Tim Boothman said in an email that this motion was “a joke, strictly between mates,” and one following Hertford’s “long tradition of passing motions of no consequence for no reason other than boredom and immaturity.” He also lauded Cherwell’s “unparalleled” grasp of rudimentary humour in highlighting the motion.

JCR Sports Rep Ben Brash said offering more attention to such “funny” joke motions is “frankly swelling [Tim Boothman’s] already large [forehead].”

Colclough said of his thinner physique, “It’s always nice having people appreciate my new six-pack.
“I imagine I’ll be hitting the social highs of ‘Fit College’ before too long.”

In response to Boothman’s motion, Colclough said, “Tim Boothman’s…forehead is bigger than both my previous and my current belly diameter.” He did not comment on whether he will follow through with the motion and how he will do so.

Colclough advises future dieters to “try to keep within your daily allowance of burgers and kebabs.
“If you’re really lucky, you can look like me within a few weeks.”

His girlfriend could not be reached for comment.

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