Dons at Cambridge were outraged this week at the revelation that the renaming of their beloved library is to be sold off to the highest bidder. Whoever offers the University the biggest donation will be able to choose a new name for what is currently called, in true Ronseal style, “University Library”. 

The senior Tabs are unhappy that there was little consultation with them from the University before the name was put up for grabs. Professor Gill Evans said, “What sort of message would it send out if it was called Cambridge Tesco Library?”

Cambridge students have, once again, lived up to their image as a rowdy, thoughtless and cheap lot with the scenes of chaos at the opening of a new Primark this week. Over 600 joined the queue for the opening, the first in line having to arrive at 5.30am to beat the crowds.

Some locals have refused to shop at the high street chain believing that the clothes are made in poor working conditions. However, such concerns seemed far from the thoughts of the Tabs attending, who were busy going “mental,” throwing clothes around the store and elbowing one another out the way for the latest deals, according to witnesses. Student loans well spent, we’re sure.