I think everyone has been in one of those conversations with one of those couples who almost make you feel obliged to ask how they first met. Or maybe lack of conversation has led you to the same easy question. But in the history of this classic Q&A has anyone actually ever been given the reply: “Oh we met on an internet dating website”? I certainly haven’t.
Internet dating is the Voldemort of the dating world; no one speaks of it because of the sheer fear it inspires, in this case the fear of being marked with the scar of complete desperation. For me it conjures up images of balding old men pretending to be the Calvin Klein model they’ve googled and set as their profile picture in order to lure in the younger woman; it should come with the tagline ‘if you can’t date in the real world, try the internet.’
However, nowadays, internet dating gives you everything upfront: your interests and what, or should I say, who, you’re looking for are laid out for all to see. You don’t have to go on several dates to realise you actually have nothing in common and that your respective interests of wrestling and knitting can’t be reconciled.
At the top of the pile there’s match.com, with reportedly over 20 million members and websites in 25 countries covering 8 different languages. But if mainstream isn’t your thing there’s sure to be something to suit your niche. All in the name of good research, I decided to take a look at a few and join some myself. Not for genuine reasons- this was purely experimental (we hope). In my search for the best and most bizarre sites I came across some absolute gems: tallmingle.com described itself as “The best and largest site in the world for meeting tall friends, tall singles, and tall admirers”… “Tall admirers”, since when was that a thing? The idea of an affinity of height meaning an affinity of heart is surely a pretty alien one, but I suppose common ground could be found, complaining about low level ceilings and the price of getting your trousers lengthened and so forth. And admittedly things were about to get more peculiar when I stumbled across womenbehindbars.com – advertising itself as such, “These female prisoners are looking for love, marriage, pen-pals, and a good solid relationship with men and women in the free world. We have had several marriages and countless relationships.”
So you’ve done the crime and now have to pay the time… with a bit of internet dating on the side; surely this wasn’t advertised in court? But this site boasts results, showing the scope of internet dating even in the most adverse situations (plus the lack of a need to actually date people face-to-face does make it ideal for those in jail or under house arrest).
So it was that I found myself signing up to two internet dating sites, having squabbled with my fellow lifestyle editor about who was going to actually do this- when my profiles get found in 10 years time and my (non-existent) career in the public eye is severely damaged, she will be sorry. Or not. I decided to go for the notorious beautifulpeople.com and the less well-known, but equally ridiculous bluesmatch.com, exclusive to those who have been to Oxbridge. One incredibly vain, one incredibly pretentious, what’s not to like?
beautifulpeople.com
As the name suggests, shallow is this website’s middle name. The idea is that you start your profileand go on a trial period when people vote on your photo and decide whether to let you become a full member or not. Thus, in the face of such poor values I decided to make myself incredibly weird (see profile below)…My interests included the sitar and the line “I hope one day to become a professional musician so the world can hear the rhythm of my soul”. And the photo was equally bizarre; I won’t lie I staged it for this occasion, I don’t usually hang out in the sort of garb on exhibit here: a cricketing hat, 80s gilet, size 11 Timberland boots and a leather glove, not to mention the sitar. I didn’t know what this world of ‘beautiful’ people would make of me, I was almost excited about the onslaught. But within minutes of joining I was getting messages on my wall asking me about my sitar, and sharing with me their various musical interests- this was going better than I hoped. Perhaps beautifulpeople.com was a place for people to talk about interests and passions, rather than boast of their good looks and seek to somehow find someone anywhere near equal to their beauty. However, the illusion of this being anything more than a seedy dating site was quickly shattered by an email from a man older than my parents, yes older, with the charming line: “You look sweet in your photo, bet you ain’t just sweet ;)”… Cheeky wink? I’m a third of your age! My mind had been made up: shallow and shady, this was not a place to hang out. And a piece of advice if you’re thinking of joining, do not add your Uni account as your email address… Alongside emails from various tutors I get messages telling me that ‘Eduardo’ has hugged me. I can safely promise you that Eduardo and I have never met, let alone hugged.
bluesmatch.com
So maybe I would have more success with bluesmatch.com. Plus this was the closest chance I’d have to ever having ‘Blue’ anywhere near my name (my sporting talent has shockingly been largely unrecognised at Oxford). The idea at the outset sounds incredibly pretentious: a place for only Oxbridge people to hang out, no riff-raff allowed. And so yet again I created another ridiculous alter-ego (see profile above). This time a Jack Wills (yes , the photo is staged), Kukui V.I.P- maaaate -loving socialite. However, once you joined the website you could sort of see the point, as many people had naturally similar interests and experiences to share. Of course the element of sleaze was still a problem; as a website for people who have been to Oxbridge, not for those who are currently still at it, the clientele was more than a little older than me. Divorced, retired, (almost) OAP, yet still emailing a 20 year old…concerning.
Bluesmatch.com does offer something else though: the chance for the website doing the hard work for you. They offer you matches based on your profile, and have even given me a few 100% compatible options. The first 100% match they gave me was fair enough: a young guy who described himself as ‘sporty but nice’, a good fit for someone who had stated in their profile, ‘I love rugby guys- if you’re not a blue, I’m not interested. LOL.’ Nevertheless, the reliability of bluesmatch’s matching service was about to plummet with the next 100% match putting me, a self-confessed 20 year old party girl in my profile, with a 60 (at best) year old, ‘walker, bridge player, opera buff, gourmet and self-employed legal consultant’. Wow, they’d gone off-piste with that suggestion.
Ultimately, internet dating is more successful for the older
generation, the divorced or retired who don’t get so many opportunities to meet new people, who are interested in the same things or who have shared the same experiences. But here, while you’re at Uni, you’re exposed to new people of your age every day, and quite frankly you’re as likely to find your soul-mate at Fuzzy Ducks as on any of the websites I tried.
