As if your 8th week overdraft wasn’t enough, you’ve been roped into secret Santa with your friends. With such a wide spectrum of tastes in Oxford, how on earth can you find the right presents? Fear not – Cherwell has you covered.
The Hipster/Gap Yah friend (anyone likely to have been parodied on YouTube)
Some purple leggings and a sailor tat, just one gear for their fixie bike, a plus-one for their gig tonight, loafers with no socks…just kidding – in all seriousness it will look like this:
– Obscure alcohol (you probably haven’t heard of it), so some red (green is too mainstream) Czech absinthe will be well received. Just make sure they didn’t try it on their Gap Year.
– A retro lens for their camera that will boost both blurriness and saturation. Good luck to you; the camera is likely to be at least 30 years old and manufactured in an eastern-bloc country.
– A coat going down to the knees with embellishments of ocelot fur and kakapo feathers.
– Rare oolong tea from Szechuan province flavoured with ginseng.
This is assuming that the hipster celebrates Christmas. More likely they will find it too commercial. Best get them presents for Tet (Vietnamese new year) instead.
The sports (sh)lad:
– Really cheap tracksuit bottoms and a vest top to wear when watching Coca Cola League 1 matches in the JCR. Needs to be cheap as it will probably get Domino’s pizza stains on it.
– 24-pack of Fosters/Carlsberg/Stella. Need we say more?
– Inflatable sex doll as a companion to be brought along to Arzoo crew dates.
– A red cape to be worn, following Arzoo crew dates, in Park End. We’ve never really got this one – but to each, their own.
The (drunken) fresher:
– 1 bottle of vodka, 1 bottle of tequila, 1 bottle of apple sours and 1 bottle of Jaeger. That should see them into the beginning of Boxing day.
– Chunder clean-up kit: 1 bucket, some sponges, paper towels, bicarbonate of soda, washing up liquid and bin bags. A sense of shame would be ideal too.
– Some johnnies. They’re at it like rabbits for god’s sake.
– A file, some note paper, pens, a textbook and some highlighters. They’ve got collections next term and Prelims in Trinity. That ought to wipe the smile off their happy Michaelmas faces. Poor things.
The geek:
– 30+ books. They’ve already read the entire faculty bibliography and their tutor’s reading lists. Ergo it will have to be something very esoteric. Liberal church politics in Baden Wurtemberg 1843-1848 should be fine.
– A very expensive and sophisticated desk lamp which boosts concentration, aids memory and adds 5% onto their finals marks.
– Some Vitamin D and some sun-bed vouchers. They’ve probably got rickets from a term stuck in Gladstone link.
Your tutor:
They want:
– Your vac work – due in Thursday of 0th. 3000 words with footnotes and a bibliography please.
– Your collection in January. Graded 2:1.
– You to do some reading the night before your Wednesday morning tute next term.
They don’t want:
– You to go to Itchy Feet the night before your Wednesday morning tute, get rat-arsed on orange VK and be drunkenly dancing to ‘I Fought the Law’ at 1am.
