However carefully you prepare your wittiest and most engaging conversation for freshers’ week, you will inevitably end up asking and answering the same questions over and over. “What subject do you do? Where are you from? What college are you at? Why is that weird Dutch philosophy student vomiting on my duvet?”
Cherwell can’t tell you how to respond to the unfortunate news that your new neighbour is a socially dysfunctional chemist from Milton Keynes whose interests include playing the bongos, ballroom dancing and risqué balloon modelling.
However, this musical guide will suggest songs which encapsulate the spirit of some of the Oxford colleges. Perhaps it will help you remember the different characters of Oxford’s constituent parts, and thus make your smoking-area small talk a little less excruciating.
Christ Church: Notorious BIG and Jay-Z- I Love The Dough
Money talks. Mostly, it talks at Christ Church, where the red-trouser brigade congregates to compare wallets and a mutual sense of entitlement. Only the kings of hip-hop can match the formidable bankrolls and braggadocio of ChCh. “Watch is platinum/got jet lag from/flights back and forth, pop corks of the best grapes”.
Balliol: Fats Domino- Whiskey Heaven
Apparently, there is a reputable and academically successful college attached to the Lindsay Bar. This may or may not be the case, but I can confirm that Balliol boasts one of Oxford’s cheapest and most convivial student bars. This honky-tonk standard shouts out Jack Daniels, but with five-pound beer pitchers and the sickly yet lethal Balliol Blue cocktail available alongside cut-price shots, Balliol’s “Crazy Tuesday” happy-hour offers a plethora of ways to get shitfaced.
St. Edmunds’ Hall: Queen- Princes of the Universe
The zenith of Oxford’s lad culture is Teddy Hall, where testosterone flows through corridors decorated with the spoils of rugby, football and rowing victories. This song ticks all the boxes in encapsulating the rugby lad ethos- raw aggression, self-aggrandizement and an air of latent homoeroticism.
Wadham: Yo Majesty- Freaks Come Out
Hippies meet hipsters in the home of student radicalism. Wadham is the home of Oxford’s proudest LGBT contingent, and events such as Queer Bop and Wadstock combine its reputation for social justice with its reputation for throwing some of Oxford’s better parties. This electro Christian lesbian hip-hop joint captures Wadham’s eclectic vibe.
Merton: Alva Noto- U_08_1
If reputation is anything to go by, Merton is an academic pressure-cooker, spewing out first-class degrees after three years of intense and relentless study. The atmosphere of oppressive tension and multilingual mathematics on this track captures some of the intensity.
Regents’ Park: CSS- Let’s Make Love and Listen to Death from Above
What is unique to Regents’ Park is the unmistakeable and faintly incestuous tension amongst its tiny undergraduate population. This electroclash track now sounds slightly out of date, much like the facilities at the college, but has the same undercurrent of sexual energy.
It should be obvious by now that this playlist is built on cliché, hearsay and utterly unsustainable assertion. However, these three sources will be the bedrock of your essays for the next three years, so get used to it.
In any case, don’t worry too much about your freshers’ week small talk- no one will remember or care if you can’t tell your Keble from your Kellogg. Instead, look beyond the chart and cheese of freshers’ clubnights to Oxford’s small but thriving live music scene, and let Cherwell Music be your guide through the years of personal, academic and musical discovery to come.
