Oxford’s Maddest Sports Fan – Dundee United

How many people do you know who would drive for seven hours to Dundee to watch a Scottish football match? Not many I would imagine. But that’s what I did on New Year’s Day. The following day I watched Dundee United (my team) play. We lost 2-1. Which itself wasn’t as bad as the time I drove through the night to see us lose 7-1 to Rangers. I still wake up shaking about tha tone. It wasn’t until I arrived home that I asked myself the question I perhaps should have asked myself before I left England. Why? What’s it all about? 

Let’s get rid of some of the more obvious answers. No, I was not expecting a game of high quality. Scottish football has rarely been mistaken for tiki-taka. In fact, it’s often really, really bad. I’d quite happily put money on any hastily-assembled team of children from a Brazilian favela being able to do more kick-ups than any of the players in United’s starting team. Indeed, I’ve rarely gone to a match where I expected to be entertained. The idea that I am paying to enjoy what I am watching sounds vaguely distasteful, overly sensual even.

Football north of the border is strictly ascetic. Passing is viewed with the same suspicion with which a priest might view a Satanic Mass. Anyway, I’ve always been a little suspicious of people who enjoy watching their football teams play. Enjoyment of the football we have to watch suggests a level of sadomasochism I find disturbing and slightly distressing.

Nor are the grounds wonderful sporting arenas. Dens Park (home of Dundee) looks like it was built by a blind man with a weird sense of humour. The main stand doesn’t actually run alongside the pitch which means spectators can be miles from either goal. Luckily, ‘travelling’ United fans didn’t have to ‘travel’ all that far. Dens Park is only 100 yards away from Tannadice (home of Dundee United). Yes – 100 yards. But no, I don’t understand that either.

In fairness the quality of the facilities isn’t only a problem in Dundee. Celtic Park’s away end has a pillar that obscures a large part of the pitch. At Ibrox the away end seems to have been designed specifically to make it easier for Rangers fans to hurl missiles and sectarian abuse at visiting fans.

Speaking of abuse. I once went to watch United against Celtic in Glasgow. On the way to the stadium I walked past two Celtic fans. One of them called me a ‘Dundee prick’. He looked about 12 years old. I’m not even from Dundee. What am I doing here? 

I suppose all this might make more sense if United were in with a chance of winning something. But in fact we’re at the bottom of the Scottish Premiership and almost certain to be relegated. We did win the Scottish Cup a fewyearsago,thefirsttimewe’dwonanything since 1994. And beyond that you have to go back to the early 80s to see any silverware. we won the League in 1983. We also beat Barcelona four times in European cup competitions. Halcyon days compared to the modern era. But, in a way, it’s moments like that draw with Celtic (we came from behind and could have nicked it, in case you were wondering) that makes all the rubbish worth it. How fans of Celtic and Rangers have managed to cope with winning all these years baffles me. Seriously. Whereas I’m happy if United put up a decent performance, Old Firm fans howl with rage when they don’t put at least five past whichever club they happen to be playing that week. It must be bad for their health and would explain the infamously low life-expectancy in Glasgow.