Clickbait: Five things everyone thinks on a crewdate

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 Who invented Crewdates? This strange Oxford tradition has certainly affected our lives in one way or another. Amidst all the ridiculous things shared, the things that stay quiet are sometimes all the more embarrassing.  

1)    I want to be sconced for something sexual so the guy I have a crush on will think I’m a cool, raging sex beast.

I sconce anyone who had a passionate sex on the French Riviera with an Italian guitarist named Filippo who consistently sends her love letters filled with heart-shaped Italian pastries. I sconce anyone who repeatedly engaged sexually with her disgustingly attractive twenty-five year old 6th form teacher. I sconce anyone who has breakfast brought to her everyone morning by a string of eager, former lovers.

None of these are true, obviously, but may hypothetically grab the attention of that hottie you’re eyeing on the other side of the table. 

2)    Trying not too voraciously scarf down mediocre samosas whilst no one else seems to be eating.

Crew dates are at least two hours later than regular meal times. Bitter about the atrocious fifteen pounds you were forced to spend, you find yourself eagerly loading your plate with curries and samosas. But no one else seems to be eating. Everyone is merry making. You try to eat slyly, and very casually ask someone to pass the curry on the other side of the table. Why is no one else eating? Maybe you just have a voracious appetite. It only gets tricky when someone sconces you mid bite and you’re forced to stand up with a curry filled face. 

3)    Getting annoyed because other tables at Arzoo’s look like they’re having 10 x more fun.

They’re laughing, screaming, and someone is standing on the table. They start singing a sport-related song and some guy starts stripping in the middle of the table.  You, on the other hand, are stuffed on the end (because you showed up 10 minutes late), speaking to the person next to you about the new Vice Chancellor and how annoyingly loud the construction in the English Faculty Library has become.

4)    I really should have splurged and gotten the 6 pound Tesco wine rather then the 4 pound one.

It either tastes like dish soap mixed with hydrogen peroxide and dog urine or apple juice. If you’re really lucky, it may taste like water(why is the alcohol percentage on the bottle so fucking small?!) Definitely should have splurged 2 pounds for that swanky looking Sauvignon Blanc. If you say anything about this you may come across as a wanker. “Ugh I always get this bad Pinot Grigio I’m definitely going for the Sauvignon Blanc next time.” 

5)    I really hope I won’t get sconced for that one thing.

We all have that one little thing. I suppose this is the point of crew dates anyway, but you’re praying (seriously praying), your friend is sober enough to keep it to her/his self. Maybe it’s that time you peed in your sink, or projectile vomited during pre-drinks, or got arrested for a public misconduct after dancing around a park naked. 

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