Queues are forming outside popular Oxford nightclub The Cellar for events scheduled to take place in four years’ time.
The Cellar, best known for edgy grime nights populated by private-school white boys and a magical ceiling that rains human sweat back down on those it came from, has not yet announced any specific events or even whether it will still be open in the difficult economic climate that is Oxford nightlife, but The OxStew can exclusively reveal that tents have appeared on Cornmarket outside the door in a queue that stretches all the way to the Burger King near Ship Street. The queuing comes after controversial instances of overcrowding, pushing in and unpoliced queues at the nightclub and also the Oxford Union.
One female student, who asked only to be identified by her Ellesse sweater and bucket hat, told The OxStew, “I’m only 15 and haven’t chosen my A-levels yet, let alone applied to Oxford, but if there is even the slightest chance that I will be here in 2020 I fully intend to make it into Disco Stu, Grime and Punishment or whatever the equivalent nights are when all of you lot have graduated and found jobs and spouses.
“I also want to be here so my friends can surreptitiously come and pretend to speak to me when actually they are pushing in, as our £24,000-a-year educations give us the right to do.”
Meanwhile, vigilantes predominantly armed with gunfingers have been patrolling Cornmarket on the lookout for potential queue jumpers. Reports indicate many of those suspected of pushing in are claiming to be on their way to McDonald’s or the Purple Turtle.
One fourth-year vigilante said, “It’s a time-honoured tactic to tell people you’ve ‘already been in’ to P.T. and half-arsedly show a stamp that may or may not be from there, but we’re wise to it. As a general rule we get rid of these types by shaming them out of the queue through the extreme mockery of their Reeboks or the suggestion that their shell jacket is non-vintage. I actually did that to a girl earlier, even though she was wearing Stone Island that she had clearly bought on the Oxford Women’s Sale Facebook group.
Around the corner, queues are also forming for Union events scheduled to take place at some point in the next decade. One fresher near the front of the line told The OxStew, “If my DPhil application is accepted then I stand a decent chance of hearing whichever far-right politician the Union decides to invite to cause controversy in 2025. I’m not sure who that will be or what the political landscape will look like in nine years, but I’m sure it will be good for free speech.”
The OxStew tried to contact a bouncer from The Cellar for comment, but could not find one, which should not really have come as a surprise.