We’ve all been there. Fresh out a break-up, nothing to do on a Friday night, or simply just a bit bored. It’s easy to make a profile, and hard to break out of the endless cycle once you’ve gone down that dating app rabbit hole. But to save you the stress of figuring out who’s worth those precious right swipes, Cherwell have made you a definitive guide to Oxford Tinder boys… read at your own risk.
THE ROWER
Possibly the most classically Oxford of the Tinder boys. Can be identified by the classic ‘boats n hoes’ river photo – bonus points if they’re in lycra, sunglasses, or head to toe stash. If they have their erg scores in their bio, run a mile.
PROS:There’s a reason that so many of them have topless photos…
CONS:…there’s also a reason that so many of them are on Tinder – thought you could have a two-minute exchange without rowing coming up? Think again.
THE BORN TO BE A BANKER
Yet another classic Oxford boy – straight out of private school and into the city, with a brief stop in Oxford to please mum and dad. This guy was probably born in an impeccably tailored suit, and speaks like he’s been in elocution lessons since he was three – well he probably has.
CONS:There’s something so unnerving about someone who has their life together at 19… are you a real person?
PROS:Somehow always has cash – expect to be wined and dined.
THE RAGING FUCKBOY
You probably vaguely recognise this guy because he’s slept with at least two of your friends already. And then never texted them back. Charming, handsome, and about as genuine as Katie Price’s tits, this is one to approach with caution.
PROS: He won’t catch those pesky feelings…
CONS: …but you might catch chlamydia.
THE TORTURED SOUL
This guy spent the summer before uni reading Nietzsche, Sartre and Charles Bukowski, and is now searching for his one true love (if love exists) to regurgitate his deep, deep feelings onto. Constantly. Can be identified by black turtleneck, cracking eyebags and startling inability to smile.
PROS: Great for helping you with your philosophy essays.
CONS: So boring. So self-obsessed. So not worth the overpriced espresso you’ll feel the need to buy.
THE LAD
Although Oxford has its fair share, The Lad is a universal breed. Often to be found in the Four Candles, or of course, having a cheeky Nando’s, the universal thread that binds all the different Lads together is being a laugh, and loving a pint. Comes in many different shades, including Rugby Lad, Clubbing Lad, or just your common and garden Lad’s Lad.
PROS: Usually pretty fun, or gets you both drunk enough that you don’t really care.
CONS: You just know you’re going to be the topic of conversation at the pub with the boys tomorrow.
THE MEME LORD
This guy is smart. He’s seen those articles about people making their Tinder profiles into PowerPoint presentations. He knows that funny guys get the girls. Problem is, it’s all been done before. You might swipe right because of the vine references in his bio, but you’ll soon realise that it’s copied word for word from a 2017 tweet. Sigh. Not so different after all.
PROS: 10/10 for effort, even if it falls flat soon after.
CONS: Gets a lot less funny when you’ve seen you tenth one in an hour.
THE THESP
He’s confident, he’s chatty, he’s got a banging headshot as his first picture – but is he only messaging you to get you to come to his new play? You can’t help but wonder how many of the people in the audience are just his chirpses, and you’re too awkward to hang around afterwards and find out.
PROS: You might discover a new-found love for student theatre – more entertaining than half the men you’ll match with anyway.
CONS: 75% chance you’re getting ghosted as soon as this week’s BT run has ended.
THE COMMITMENT-PHOBE
You match on Tinder, you have some banter, all is good. A couple of fun dates, maybe a sleepover and then suddenly – bam. He disappears. You’re left wondering where on earth it all went wrong, until you realise that you’re the fifteenth girl he’s done this too so far this year, and it’s not even the start of Trinity. Heart-breaking. Or it would be if you weren’t messaging seven other guys at the same time.
PROS: At least he’s normal. The bar is fairly low at this point.
CONS: You may end up with mild abandonment issues, but nothing Bridget Jones and seven shots of tequila can’t fix.
THE BNOC
You’re seen him on Oxlove (or Oxford Dank Memes Society), you have fifty mutual friends on Facebook, and his name comes up in conversation at least once a week. Of course you’re going to swipe right, just for the chat if nothing else. However, you soon realise that he’s using you either to get Union votes, meme reacts, or another anonymous love declaration to add to his collection.
PROS: Your friends think you’re cool for talking to him.
CONS: You’re probably going to have to get to the back of a very long queue for his affections.
THE ‘TOO COOL FOR OXFORD’
This one can mainly be categorised by what he hates, which includes (but is not limited to): rowing, black tie, handing in work on time, the JCR committee, anyone who went to public school, and life itself. Can also be categorised by the fact that he does absolutely nothing to change the negative aspects of these things, but will run his mouth off complaining about them.
PROS: Tends to go hand in hand with a reasonably egalitarian attitude to life.
CONS: Somehow manages to be more annoying and ‘Oxford’ than all the things he hates.
THE CELLAR-DWELLER
At first glance you may think that this guy dresses well and listens to cool music, but you soon realise that it’s exactly the same corduroy trousers/denim jacket/artic monkeys combo as everyone he’s friends with (and most of Wadham). You can find him at Bully, an overpriced vintage shop (but never an Oxfam) or crying into a craft beer about the loss of Cellar.
PROS: 1/10 are actually original and interesting people
CONS: Will inevitably have strong feelings on Tranquillity Base Hotel and Casino, and you will definitely hear about them.
So there you go, a definitive guide to the Oxford boys of Tinder. Now get back to swiping – you know you want to.
