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An Apology to my Rapist

I’m sorry for having a bottle of wine,
Who knew red with dinner was crossing a line,
And for drinking vodka whilst sat in the bar,
Was it what I drank that made you go too far?

I’m sorry for skipping my way down the street,
I should’ve been sombre and far more discrete,
‘Coz you could see my bra straight through my lace top,
I’m sure that’s why you decided not to stop.

For singing along on the Fever dancefloor,
In that skirt I must have looked just like a whore.
For VKs I’m sorry- they’re only a pound!
But clearly an invite for you to come ‘round.

Did one-night stands give me a reputation?
You must have seen friendship as a flirtation.
And as I was drunk- I couldn’t think clearly,
Words became hard and my head felt all dreary.

Drooping head and yawns as the afters raged on,
I’m sorry it still wasn’t clear I was gone.
I’m sorry it wasn’t enough to be tired,
To explain that sleep was all that I desired.

I already had someone walking me back,
But we all know in the dark strangers attack,
So thank you for joining the walk down the road,
Such heroic sacrifice you clearly showed.

I’m sorry if it made you seek a reward,
Clearly friendship is something I can’t afford,
‘Coz a two-minute walk does not quite deserve,
What you did to me- but I gave you the nerve!

I must have, I blame me, I’m filled with regret,
A nice guy like you could never be a threat!
So when you came back having left with my key,
I’m sorry you felt that you could attack me.

‘Coz that’s what it was, let’s call it by its name,
I’m done always giving myself all the blame.
It wasn’t the drunkest I have ever been,
But sorry for letting you think you were in.

Sorry that I let you climb onto my bed,
Sorry if my silence meant you were misled.
Yes, first I kissed back, I was dazed and confused,
But you never stopped and that can’t be excused.

Even as I went into shock and I froze,
Sorry you still thought this was something I chose,
Confusedly going along with a kiss?
Not once did that give you the right to do this

Don’t think that my silence was ever a yes,
My consent was not something that you should guess.
A drunk girl alone in the dead of the night?
Sorry, quite what made you think this was right?

Sorry that you were once classed as a ‘nice guy’,
But all you have ever done is to deny
The trauma and pain and the tears and the hurt,
From five minutes of you lifting up my skirt.

The blood stains have faded, but none of the pain.
My trauma’s still here so how do I explain:
I hope you read this and feel guilt take its shape,
I hope you feel sorry: it was fucking rape.

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