CW: This is a mildly comedic column written by a drag queen agony aunt. It is not for the faint hearted, and contains sensitive topics which may cause distress to some readers. Be prepared for dirty douche water, relationship issues, adultery, and finding out why your parents never loved you.

Your favourite depraved, debaucherous drag-ony aunt is back! Good old Aunt Rusty has been run through so many times that she could be legally declared a tunnel and privatised by Western Railways, but instead she’s here to give you her advice – just take it with a pinch of salt.

Remember to submit your questions through the link on the Cherwell Facebook page or @rustykatedrag’s Instagram, as her words of wisdom are more readily available than her throat in the Plush toilets.

Right, onto your issues…

Is it my fault my parents fought so much?

Does the Pope shit in the woods? Is the moon made of foreskin cheese? I don’t know, stop fucking asking me. Maybe if you stopped asking stupid questions your father would still be around.

What do I do if the douche water isn’t running clean?

Don’t stress, I haven’t douched since 2013. If a man can’t deal with an unexpected guest, then he shouldn’t be breaking into people’s back doors! Also, fibre supplements are a bottom’s best friend. No need to turn your hole into an off-brand water world show, just push through until it looks more like a Nickelodeon slime special. Or until you’re loose enough to fold in on yourself like a single sock in the wash.

Hey Rusty! I’m trying to get over a guy I know isn’t right for me – he can be proud and quite shut off (he can really put the arse into Mr Darcy when he wants to) but he can also be so charming and thoughtful and we used to be really close. We were never really together and it ended over a miscommunication which is making it really hard to let it go – it just feels like we’re fighting for no reason. I know I shouldn’t go back to someone who’s spoken to me the way he has… but he is unfairly cute and the whole feud feels so futile! What do I do?

I feel qualified to answer this question because I too have faced prejudice at pride, as much as I wouldn’t call entering the wrong hole a miscommunication. Mr Darcy does have his advantages though – his little Fitzwilliam probably being less than little. In all seriousness, you’ve answered your own question: you know he isn’t right for you and there’s nothing you can do to change that. You were never really together, which can often make things all the more painful when it comes to a bitter end, but just remember this – charming and thoughtful don’t make your legs quiver. If you really want to keep seeing him, whack on some headphones and let him go to town. If he’s being as rude to you as you say, don’t take it lying down – or do, if you’re not flexible enough for doggy. You say he’s unfairly cute, but at the end of the day, even Mr Darcy will eventually have a receding hairline.

I’m worried Rusty Kate will steal my man – What shall I do?

Be better or let it happen – it’s a dog-eat-dog world, and I’m a sloppy eater.


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