CW: This is a mildly comedic column written by a drag queen agony aunt. It is not for the faint hearted, and contains sensitive topics which may cause distress to some readers.
Your favourite drag-ony aunt that drag-ony can’t is back! Aunt Rusty is here to help with your mummy, daddy, and zaddy issues. She’s dishing out important life advice five hundred words at a time, all out of the goodness of her heart (and the fact that there’s not much else to do in the Warneford).
Remember to submit your questions through the link on the Cherwell Facebook page or @rustykatedrag’s Instagram – you’re guaranteed complete anonymity. Unless you’re being fucking stupid, in which case you will be doxed.
Right, onto the issues your mother wasn’t listening to during your bi-weekly Facetime calls…
My boyfriend decided to break up with me midway through sex on the first day of meeting after a long-distance relationship over summer vac. I had some doubts about long-distance but he always reassured me to the contrary, only to dump me abruptly in lieu of an emotional reunion after being physically apart for so long. Should I forgive him and how do I move on from this?
That’s not really a sensible question dear – he broke up with you! It’s done! You’re over! Capeesh? At least you got a goodbye shag! Would you rather he did it over text? What do you expect? Granted, mid-way through sex isn’t a great way to break it to you, but clearly it was on his mind and stopping him from finishing. Maybe you should think about yourself and why he felt the need to break up with you. There’s nothing to forgive, you just need to forget and move the fuck on. Find a man on tinder, have a few rebounds, and for god’s sake, don’t catch feelings again. It only ends badly.
Alternatively, ask the much more sensible question of how you get revenge. I know there’s a petrol shortage, but a short cab to his house (with a stop at the nearest petrol station) is sure to send him the message you want. Just make sure he’s home at the time.
Dear Rusty, I need help getting over a m*n. We were really good friends, but then we got with each other. I feel like we’ve been circling around something for a while, but apparently he thinks we’re both over it. I’m watching him dick around with other girls but can’t seem to stop wanting his. What do?
Revenge is best served hot and sticky. Shag around, get the clap, then fuck his brother. Work your way around his social circle to ensure that he, and everyone he knows, will be itching to high heaven for the next two to four weeks. Maybe even bribe the GUM clinic nurse to give him the wrong bum injection – make sure that BOTH his cheeks are sore. If you want full shock value, become his mother’s lesbian lover. Be the step-mother he never wanted, and become more intimate with the place he came from than he could ever know. And if that sounds like too much work, just start a rumour that he’s got a piss kink.
How do I convince my boyfriend to wash his balls? Every time I go down on him I have to restrain myself from gagging at the smell!
Oh grow up, it all adds to the flavour. The French would scrape off whatever’s on top and spread it on a cracker – count yourself lucky.