Oxford's oldest student newspaper

Tuesday, June 28, 2022

Oh Well apologises for telling the truth

After the Union Union article went totally viral because Oh Well is the best, Oh Well sends out its most uncaring apologies to all the Non-Player-Character fools that believed us. This was in fact a great judgement on the part of Oh Well, and we hope this happens again and again and again.  

We are now  taking active steps to address the OEC (Oxford Entitlement Complex). This complex describes the phenomenon of the average Oxford student believing that, because they are privileged enough to attend the University of Oxford, which is RANKED NUMBER ONE IN THE WORLD, which all your friends at home who didn’t get into Oxford also know as you talk about it all the time, which they absolutely despise you for, which you laugh off with the weird obsession that an Oxford 2:1 is better than a first from every other university, which gives you flashbacks to the terrible fifth week blues you experienced, which you tell your siblings and family who didn’t go to Oxford about, which they don’t quite understand because they didn’t go to Oxford, which you get frustrated with because you actually have the power to make a difference in people’s lives with your Oxford degree, which leads to the sad realisation that you are lonely and have no friends, they are better than everyone else. 

Disciplinary actions have been taken. The writers have been rewarded with vouchers to a tonne of formals where they can show themselves off on their Instagram and Snapchat stories about how amazing it is to be at such an old university, a bunch of carnations to prove that no other place has such pretty traditions as Oxford, a load of VKs to at least show that Oxford students do go out at least a bit, and a couple of butlers to clean up after the mess they leave at Christ Church meadows.

Oh Well sincerely hopes that Oxford students will stop thinking they are way more important than they actually are in the future. Although we don’t hold out much hope. Oh well.

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