This is the very official and very empirical ranking of college sport as per the expertise and excellence of the deputy editor for the Cherwell Sports section. Now that I’ve established my credentials, it is time to get to the serious business of weeding out the good from the bad when it comes to sports in Oxford. My meticulous ranking scheme took under consideration many diverse factors that I cannot enclose, but trust me, there was a lot of thought put behind this list. So, without further ado, here is the only ranking that you’d ever need to the different sports offered at Oxford.
- Aikido
My fleeting experience of this sport involved an hour-long session where I learned some valuable defense tactics. I can now avoid any and all blows to the head with a flick of the arm. Apart from this skill, I also took away some lovely vibes from the group so I cannot recommend this sport enough. There is still talk around town of my impeccable head-related defense tactics.
2. Ultimate Frisbee
Now do I even need to explain this? Show me one person who does not enjoy being outdoors, catching flying objects, and living out their golden retriever fantasies. Give me a frisbee and a sunny day and my serotonin levels are sorted for the entire year. However, beware: this sport is not for the faint hearted. Frisbee related injuries are more frequent than one might expect…
3. Table Tennis
Ever since watching ‘Forest Gump’ I’ve wanted to become a master at table tennis. Maybe I will fulfil this dream at Oxford.
4. Cheerleading
Dancing in pretty leotards and having the best gymnastic time sounds amazing. The pep and cheer required for those six am training meetings is truly admirable. But the crowning achievement of this sport is all the bow paraphernalia that comes along with it and that iconic rad cam pic.
5. Fencing
Not only have I watched ‘Bridgeton’ where Anthony violently expresses his emotions to his brothers through a sexy round of fencing, but I also truly admire the mesh helmet that comes with the all-white uniform. Need I say more?
6. Clay Pigeon Shooting
Now to truly understand the glory of this sport, you need to know that I am extremely afraid of all birds. With that said, I also hate animal cruelty. Now, clay pigeon shooting falls perfectly in the sweet spot between exerting revenge on pigeons that terrorise me on a regular basis, and protecting animal lives.
7. Real tennis
Who doesn’t like a really obscure sport that 90% of the population does not know exist? Don’t ask me what real tennis is, I cannot tell you. All I can say is that a sport that makes such a strong statement by establishing itself as the purest form of another very popular sport, can only mean power.
8. Squash
I spent two years in secondary school playing squash with my maths teacher (it was not weird, I promise). Now my take away is that I love wacking stuff against walls and I hate getting hit in the eye by said-wacked stuff. But this experience taught me that pain is part of life, and that I should really go out a bit more often rather than play a middle-age sport with my maths teacher.
9. Orienteering
According to the University page, this sport is ‘getting between a series of points marked on a map as quickly as you can, with only the aid of a compass and your own navigational skills’. Now if this description does not resonate with you on a deep level of selfhood, identity, and your place in the world, then I’ll be damned. I too am just a girl trying to navigate this crazy world with only a dream and a kick-ass hairdo to aid me.
10. Octopush
I have indeed saved the best for last. Have you never heard of Octopush? Then you my friend, haven’t lived. Once again, I will quote the University page because once again, this is a serious and legitimate ranking of Oxfordian sports. Octopush is ‘underwater hockey and is a supreme aerobic game’. It has everything: water-related fun, a lot of underwater pushing, and the ultimate dream of mankind to unveil the mysterious world of octopi.
Image Credit: CC BY 1.0 via Wikimedia Commons
