We’ve all been there. The perfect opportunity for a night out, potentially foiled by the un-attempted essay due tomorrow at 4pm. An age-old Oxford conundrum.
I think there are three breeds of people at this University. The first – those who go out, have a blast, and wake up only to send an email asking for an extension. The second – the responsible, soon-to-be-running-a-magic-circle-firm-or-top-tier-consultancy student who stays in, throwing all plans out the window. Then, the third – the social butterfly slash academic weapon who will go out, enjoy their night, and will still get that essay done by 4pm. There is, admittedly, a fourth breed of student who just never gets in this situation, but that’s far less exciting.
The type-three-er is the paragon of Oxford studenthood. They occupy another dimension, whilst the rest of us walk among men. The question on my mind is: how? To edge us all along the trajectory of becoming student 3.0, I’ve done my research into what the perfectly seamless night out to essay crunch-time transition really is.
The suggestions, remedies and advice up for sale are their own kind of weird, and are usually not wonderful. They are all from students who, in moments, have caught a glimpse of the mountain top – a glimmer of the glory that the third breed of Oxford student typically basks in.
Student A, let’s call her, sets her alarm every two hours, and drinks half a bottle of water each time it goes off. An interrupted sleep in exchange for the vital subduing of a hangover. A pretty small price to pay, really.
Student B opts for instantaneous relief. A greasy, fried full English Breakfast; the greasier the better. Yet opting to soak up last night’s remnants in one fell swoop is often too good to be true. Though he’s able to get on the grind once the eggs and beans are down the hatch, B’s skin, stomach, and breath won’t be thanking him two hours later when the queasiness sets in.
Student C is a diehard green juice slash innocent-smoothie-er. Call it a placebo effect, say it’s psychological all you want, but once you’re halfway through the bottle, you’re already feeling lightbulbs turning on. Student C is incomplete without her best mate D, whose beverage of choice is caffeine, rather than anything natural. No food and three shots of espresso are bound to get you over any deadline you need to meet.
I wasn’t sure this was even a strategy, but according to Goop.com and Student E, bananas are pure gold for nausea and stomach aches. High in electrolyte potassium, they’re meant to subside the concoction of Hussein’s and alcohol sludging up your stomach from the night before.
The next revitaliser is probably the hardest to execute. Student F swears by the power of the mind, claiming that hangovers are an issue of ‘mind over matter’. A hangover is just a mentality – if you say you’re fine, you’re fine. Self-affirmations, manifestations and grit are Student F’s friends.
Along the same wavelength of rather brutal mental tactics, is Student G’s taste for bribery. Nothing good happens until that essay is done. This means, as soon as G is awake, they’re on the grind. In bed, pyjamas on, phone on silent, water only – they’re making things as unpleasant as possible until they can say their essay is done and dusted. G suffers no fools.
I’ve framed this article as a how-to guide, but on reflection, not one of these students really offers a flawless method for transitioning from play-hard to work-hard. These are more ‘bottoms-up bootcamp’ strategies for achieving what really should not be humanly possible. Perhaps I’m wrong and there is a healthy way to meet a deadline after having a brilliant night before. I certainly have not found it yet.
